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Trader Joe’s Introduces New Pumpkin-Spiced Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Customer response has already been overwhelmingly positive. “I always try to get into the mood of the season,” said one customer sporting a plaid shirt, a corduroy jacket, another corduroy jacket, rain boots,…
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How to Hold Your 58th Birthday in a Frat House Without Making It Sound Bad
It is fine if Barbra doesn’t get it. She never gets anything. The only thing she’s done recently is your neighbor George. She got a divorce lawyer, but she doesn’t get your yearning…
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Boyer Insists Bite Mark is “Nothing to Worry About,” Proposes Brains in Dining Hall
“I’ve gotten much worse infections at Snitchcock in the past,” Boyer stated calmly. “This injury is nothing to worry about.”
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Meet the One Student Who Actually Got Suspended by UChicago
"Yeah, I guess I'm lucky I’m not being executed," he conceded.
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Dealer Investigates: How Many 4pm Cigarettes Outside the Reg Does It Take to Write The Great American Novel?
He’s agreed to put a brief pause in his literary machinations to speak to the Dealer, since, in his words, “this interview will be important in five years. I’ll be published then.”
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Point: Pee in Your Roommate’s Bed. Counterpoint: Pee in Their Shoes Instead.
As multiple scientists have observed in dogs, peeing on one another and in each other’s close quarters is a sign of love and friendship.
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“Don’t Go Outside:” UCPD Releases Official Transportation Policy for First Years
We have the second largest private police force in the world, but until we have the largest it’s really not safe to go outside.
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“New Dean” Added to Scav List
"Suggestions from the chair of the committee included the reanimated corpse of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Paul Alivisatos’s evil twin Saul, and the statue of Linne on the Midway."
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Opening for Prime Minister Position Posted on Handshake
“For the next Prime Minister, the party wanted someone who was an outsider, who could talk at length on a subject without actually saying anything, and who could work for hours on a…
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Value of Pound Drops Drastically in Comparison to Maroon Dollar
"The pound’s strong exchange rate with the Burgundy Dollar and the Crimson Dollar are encouraging, but that its persistent weakness against the Scarlet Dollar, the Carmine Dollar, and the Vermillion Dollar are cause…
