Campus Life

Boyer Insists Bite Mark is “Nothing to Worry About,” Proposes Brains in Dining Hall

On October 9th, The Shady Dealer received photos from an anonymous Snitchcock resident depicting a bite mark on Dean Boyer’s left ass-cheek. After a thorough examination of his condition, the UChicago Medical Center confirmed that the bite is infected and likely of human origin. The medical center reported multiple symptoms such as skin discoloration, delirium, aversion to food, and a potent stench of decay coming from the wound. In lighter news, the center also reports that Dean Boyer’s gums have maintained their typical healthy shade of black. 

Aside from developing a slight limp, Dean Boyer appears physically uninhibited by his condition, claiming his affliction to be a mild inconvenience at most. “I’ve gotten much worse infections at Snitchcock in the past,” Boyer stated calmly. “This injury is nothing to worry about.” 

Although the Dean’s staff insist there is no cause for alarm, Boyer’s uncharacteristic hunger has since become a subject of controversy. Fellow administrators reported that Boyer called their heads “especially supple,” and another student describes Boyer remarking upon a squirrel’s “large” and “biteable” temples. However, when confronted, Boyer ran directly into the bushes..

“I didn’t mean any harm,” Dean Boyer said. “I suppose I just haven’t appreciated being surrounded by associates with such large and dense brains until now.”

It’s true that Boyer has been known to appreciate great minds in the past, but his fixation on the human brain has begun to alarm some. At a recent board meeting, Dean Boyer strongly advocated for “ethically sourced” human brains to be served in campus dining halls.

The proposal was denied.