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On His Last Night, Prince Phillip Spotted Playing Pong, Hitting It Off with the Bros at AEPI
Anonymous tipsters claim that Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, was seen at AEPI, a University of Chicago fraternity, during his last night on Earth. He is survived by a crumbling homeland Greek economy, good friend Lil Nas X, and his beloved cousin, Queen Elizabeth II.
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Frat Cites Disparities in Alcohol Access as Reason to Become Hazing-Optional
In an effort to boost the diversity of their first-year applicant pool, newly established fraternity Delta Iota Kappa has become hazing-optional. The choice comes amid a wave of other fraternities forego hazing requirements in light of disparities in alcohol access among pledges.
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Op-Ed: I am an Etsy Seller and I Paid More in Taxes Than Donald Trump
For promotional purposes, I have chosen to identify myself by my Etsy account name, WorkFromHome123. The reason I have taken the time to write this piece is that I am absolutely irate that I have paid more in taxes than the freaking President. Pardon my language.
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine, had to close in 2018 as it outgrew its cozy location at 53rd and Kenwood due to overwhelming popularity. Confirming months of speculation, the report highlighted how natural a fit the Hyde Park Shopping Mall location would be: “While Treasure Island will be missed, we believe that this new location will uniquely satisfy the needs of the UChicago community and Hyde Park.” The report went on to note that the 20,000 square foot basement will become an Einstein…
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Area Subletter Fails Turing Test
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2017 Area Subletter Fails Turing Test Following her acceptance into a study abroad program in Vienna, University of Chicago second -year Allie Sullivan arranged to sublet her bedroom to Computer Science graduate student Alan Mitchell. Sullivan’s two other roommates, fellow second -years Carrie Wong and Patrick Anderson, immediately noticed something was slightly different about their Spring Quarter subletter. Wong said she wanted to make Mitchell feel at home for his three month stay. “I asked him what his name was and what he was studying, to be friendly, ya know? But his answer was just so bizarre! He said, ‘The name that those around…
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Five Ways to Have a Great Girls Night In! (sponsored by New Target™ on 53rd)
By Breck Radulovic Dec. 5, 2016 1. Deborah, 53, Hospital Administrator: I love popping into the nNew Target™ on 53rd after a long week at work. I’ll pick up a single-serving Marie Callender’s and a double bottle of Barefoot Pink Rosé… just for myself! Sometimes I just can’t say no to the latest issue of O Magazine and fun-size pack of M&M’s at the checkout counter. It’s a such naughty way to end the week, but no one has to know but me, myself, and I. 😉 2. Meredith, 19, Vegan and Marxist: While usually I hate capitalism, the nNew Target™ on 53rd makes me forget about everything I…
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