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OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
According to OpenAI, the updated ChatGPT will be able to ruminate obsessively about its shortcomings in a completely spontaneous manner, without any input from a human programmer.
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Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
The Minecraft movie, originally predicted to cater to 6-to-12-year-olds with an unhealthy obsession for pixelated dirt, has become a cultural phenomenon among 30-to-45-year-old women who "just thought it looked like something the kids…
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“The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
The post featured a Facebook avatar of Laura doing two thumbs up with a cornfield in the background. Some have speculated that the cornfield is a nod to her hometown of Corn City.
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Huzzah! Progressive Parent Pledges to Merely Threaten Queer Kid Instead of Denouncing Them This Year
Needless to say, Jade was still viscerally disgusted at their father’s comments. While The Shady Dealer initially attempted to reach Jade for comment, the paper was informed that quoting them could be construed…
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Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
But what happens when egg prices get too high? People resort to other items for food. Sometimes it’s steak, sometimes it’s lentils. But in the end, some people will choose trout. This will…
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Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
“Wait, Mitt Romney is a caricature artist?” Yes, and he’s very good.
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Oregano Prices Skyrocket as Americans Simultaneously Hit with Overwhelming Craving for Oregano
On the oregano craze, Napervillian and mother-of-four Rosemary Bayleaf told the Dealer, “There’s no reason for it–I just realized that oregano was what I was missing my whole life.”
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People Names Luigi Mangione Sexiest Assassin of the Year
University of Alabama Professor of Sexiness Studies Jenna Hottz concurred with the committee’s decision: “Luigi is on the Mount Rushmore of hotness for murderers, if I may say so myself. Luigi, if you’re…
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NYT Releases Crumbl: “The Game Where You Watch Your Life Crumble Away”
"We wanted to provide our loyal subscribers a one-of-a-kind experience: the chance to pinpoint the exact second where their life turned to shit."
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Five Things to Spend Your Money on Besides Blu-ray Copies of Ghost Rider 2
Unfortunately, all those boxes of Blu-ray can fill up your attic shockingly fast.
