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UChicago Parent Fails Model Class
“I did alright on the model quizzes, but the model final exam was just too hard,” said Brenlo. “I had been out at the model frats that weekend, then went to the model…
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Researchers Predict New Dorm Check-in Policy Will Decimate On-Campus Hookups
"As sexual activity amongst the student body plummets, we should prepare to see a rise in petty theft, vandalism and arson," said Dr. Ivana Hafsecs, a sociologist at the University.
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Point: Beware of the Zombie Apocalypse/ Counterpoint: Brainsssss
We at the Bureau of Undead Containment have recently received alerts of multiple sightings of “mushy grey-pink slush” in relatively isolated areas, which our scientists have confirmed are scattered brains.
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New Dorm Check-In Policy to Require Retinal Scan, Fingerprints
“We believe these requirements will reduce our endemic culture of hooliganism,” said a spokesperson for HRL when asked for comment.
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Incoming First-Year Didn’t Realize He’d Actually Have to Do His Psets
“I always thought that Bart had so much potential... Now I see that he was just fucked all along,” said Dewey Higgins, Wiggins’ roommate, who has been doing his homework for him.
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Sorry! Cool RSO Just One Friend Group That Hates You
“Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.
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Breaking: PhoenixAI to Shut Down Amid Concerns that Non-Econ Majors are Using It.
Phoenix AI, a well respected and beloved artificial intelligence tool created by the University of Chicago, is reportedly nearing the end of its lifespan according to an anonymous tip.
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Op-Ed | Deep State Responsible for Broken Crerar Sensors and Not Me
The Deep State agenda, which takes specific interest in UChicago (why do you think UCPD is so big?), is trying to silence me from accessing Crerar.
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Balloon Triggers South Fire Alarm; Officials Raise Concerns About Chinese Involvement
In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, November 3, students living in Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons evacuated the building due to a fire alarm.
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For Years, Campus Squirrels Have Circumvented Meal Swipes: “It’s Time to Make Them Pay”
Recent reporting outside Bartlett Dining Commons reveals a devastating amount of lost earnings due to the unlawful consumption of dining hall food by squirrels on campus.
