The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / June 12, 2025

    When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”

    read more
  • Politics

    White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

    Pauline Singer / June 10, 2025

    In response to the rumors, President Donald Trump tweeted: “Vance is FINE! We threw some Trump Holy Water™ on him. Trump Holy Water™ is on sale now! 10% off with a special code…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

    Justin Bilenker / June 9, 2025

    "Our argument was full of gotchas and strawmen and random factoids that could plausibly be traced to some website or social media post we looked at. There were no contentions, structure, rebuttals, or…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

    Natalie Floreancig / June 8, 2025

    Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

    Jacob Halabe and 1 more / June 7, 2025

    #2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist

    Pauline Singer / June 6, 2025

    The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!” 

    read more
  • Politics

    Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds

    Chase Teichholz / June 4, 2025

    Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor

    Pauline Singer / June 3, 2025

    The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…

    read more
  • Politics

    Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave

    Vivian Psylos / May 29, 2025

    “I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more!" Governor Cox announced.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

    Daniel Sipes / May 28, 2025

    If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.