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Trump Nominates Dracula To Lead Department of Blood
“He’s a really great man. I really trust him," said President-Elect Trump. "He has great tastes, the best tastes. I wouldn’t trust any other vampire with my blood."
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High School Hustler Applies ED to Electoral College
Rimmer, who had a higher GPA (normal and weighted) than you and an immaculate 36 on the ACT, was unfortunately rejected from the Electoral College because he lacked any experience with a major…
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Midterms, in Fact, Mid
Following a university-wide poll, our researchers at The Dealer have come to the conclusion that midterms have been mediocre all around.
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Op Ed: New Option For College Council Voting – Vote For Everyone!
You did the right thing and made everyone feel good! You might even receive a “I Voted!” badge for your efforts.
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Reg to Throw Out “Old, Gross” Special Collections
“Thank God they’re getting rid of all that old stuff,” said Jennifer Gritter, a third-year majoring in history and Classical Studies. “I hate having something so dusty and decrepit on this campus. Good…
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“We Don’t Know Why We’re Out of Money,” Says Uchicago Admin Poorly Hiding Mountain of Pickles
“Pickles? In the reading rooms? Noooooooooo,” said Dean Melina Hale upon questioning. She then proceeded to shout, “They’re onto us!” into a walkie-talkie before running away.
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UChicago Unveils More Convenient Fourth Meal Dining Plan in the Loop
First-year Harold Houdine, who lives in I-House, told the Dealer that “this new plan is actually pretty good. At least I don’t have to fucking walk to Baker.”
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Breaking News! Human Clones Wreak Havoc
In a collaboration between the I Promise We’re Ethical and the Please Don’t Sue Us Research Centers, scientists have invented Legit, a machine that can perfectly clone a human.
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UChicago Announces $200 Million “Free Expression+” Tier
Participants will be allowed to say racial —and non-racial—slurs, gain discounted access to frats, and receive exclusive entry extra SOSC classes as part of the Free Expression+ Core.
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Shady Dealer Officially Broke; Turns to Shady Dealings
There have been reports of a copy editor selling solutions to MATH 15300 problem sets, an editor-in-chief selling amphetamines to underage students, and a deputy layout editor profiting from smuggling Russian gas into…
