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Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
“We thought everyone still did it,” said matriarch Maria Del Toro, carefully arranging three purple candles and one pink candle in preparation for the weekly arguments about who gets to light them, “You…
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UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
The ex-tour guide, second-year Hugh Mungo, refused to comment unless the Dealer agreed to write an article slamming all ten different business RSOs that rejected him. Prevented by its incomparably scrupulous ethical code…
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Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
The Spiders Parachuting into Dangerous Regions Task Force, or SPIDR, aims to utilize the natural skydiving abilities of arachnids to conduct High-Altitude Low-Opening (HALO) jumps in military operations deemed too risky for human…
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10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
It’s officially cuffing season! But as we know at the University of Chicago, some things are better in theory than in practice, and it’s hard to maintain a loving relationship when you have…
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Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
He described having stumbled upon the document during a recent stroll on the roof of the White House. “It was just sitting there—can you believe that? Sitting right there on that—on that really…
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Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg
“Say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer, and hello to Adder-fall! Autumn up your undiagnosed anxiety disorder with new Pumpkin Spice Adderall®, available from your local dealer today! (While supplies last. Do not consume…
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Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
Leavitt debuted the strategy in her response to a HuffPost reporter’s question about a proposed summit between President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, but further instances have already appeared. Asked by the…
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President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
After the University of Chicago rose to sixth place in the US News & World Report’s college rankings, newly re-elected President Paul Alivisatos was found at Phi Gamma Delta’s house Thursday morning passed…
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Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
These outfits are reportedly “sleek,” “intimidating,” and “super cool, dude.” They will be a slimming black color, as Hegseth has realized since his speech that “getting rid of all the fatties” was a…
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Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
Orientation Week (O-Week) has come and gone, not unlike a high school boyfriend, and has prompted, much like a high school boyfriend, an extraordinary level of fatherly sulking.
