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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
  • Politics

    Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds

    Chase Teichholz / June 4, 2025

    Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor

    Pauline Singer / June 3, 2025

    The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…

    read more
  • Politics

    Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave

    Vivian Psylos / May 29, 2025

    “I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more!" Governor Cox announced.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

    Daniel Sipes / May 28, 2025

    If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Non-political Maroon Article Gets View

    Justin Bilenker / May 27, 2025

    “We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.”

    read more
  • Off-Campus Life,  Scientific Excellence

    OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders

    Jacob Halabe / May 25, 2025

    According to OpenAI, the updated ChatGPT will be able to ruminate obsessively about its shortcomings in a completely spontaneous manner, without any input from a human programmer. 

    read more
  • Off-Campus Life

    Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted

    Michael Wagner / May 24, 2025

    The Minecraft movie, originally predicted to cater to 6-to-12-year-olds with an unhealthy obsession for pixelated dirt, has become a cultural phenomenon among 30-to-45-year-old women who "just thought it looked like something the kids…

    read more
  • Politics

    Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda

    Chase Teichholz / May 23, 2025

    “In keeping with the President’s wishes for us, we have also decided that Roberto Clemente Day will no longer be celebrated,” the statement continued.

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / May 22, 2025

    Flangle explained that while it is difficult for the layman to understand exactly why crucifixion is so painful, it has a lot to do with nails being driven into the hands and feet.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students

    Michael Wagner / May 21, 2025

    The recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students

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