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University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

HYDE PARK — The University of Chicago’s Department of Safety & Security introduced ‘Just Walk, Motherfuckers!’ a new transportation program for students, late Monday. The program will feature undergraduate students (termed ‘motherfuckers’ or ‘whiny little babies’ in the press release) walking the seven-mile distance to downtown Chicago. The program is advertised as available 24/7, 365 days a year.

“Downtown Chicago is a popular destination for students,” said a university spokesperson, “and they’re always whining about how ‘it’s so far away’ and ‘the Red Line smells like pee.’ We think this new option is an excellent way for these stuck-up twerps to get out of their rooms for a change.”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer. “I’m not sure the administration knows this, but walking is actually slower than riding the CTA,” said a first-year student, who also wanted it on the record that he has never once ‘had relations with’ his mother. 

“Tuition is high enough here that we expect some support,” another student said. “When I applied, admissions convinced me that we were right next to Chicago and I assumed I could go lick the Bean whenever I wanted. That couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Undeterred, the Dealer sent a first-year writer to attempt the program. “I made it a few blocks, but I got concerned about my safety — there was lots of snow everywhere and I thought I might get the sniffles,” he said. “After I stubbed my toe on the sidewalk, I knew I couldn’t go any further. I’m really glad nothing more serious happened.”

A spokesperson from the Department of Safety and Security defended the program on the basis of cost-efficiency. “I don’t understand why thousands of dollars have gone towards treadmills and stationary bikes if you can do all of that shit for the low cost of fucking nothing. News flash, people: walking is free — it’s almost like these nerds have never heard of cardio-fuckin’-vascular exercise.”

He further added that students don’t have to walk — the University has explored alternative methods including cartwheels and leapfrogging — and that the program will allow the University to “put tuition money towards shit that matters.” This includes adding administrative employees, paying more Nobel laureates to retire here, and turning Stony Island into a real-life version of the house from Up.

In other news, the Department of Safety and Security is considering a rebrand to the Department of Not Being A Little Crybaby.

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Editor-in-Chief, 2022-23