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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Campus Life

    Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow

    Andre Dang / January 24, 2023

    I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks. 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

    Andre Dang / January 5, 2023

    Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that he went to…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

    Andre Dang / November 30, 2022

    In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Rockefeller Chapel Bells Now Exclusively Play for When BeReal Notification Is Sent

    Andre Dang / November 7, 2022

    In a recent statement, Dean of Students Michelle Rassmussen wrote, “I’m sick and tired of students posting their BeReals hours after when the notification was sent out. Students are disobeying the purpose of…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Meet The Six People You’ll Throw Up On in College

    Andre Dang / October 19, 2022

    She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You’d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You’d thought you’d shower her…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    How Tall Was Jesus Christ? We Asked Every Academic Department

    Andre Dang / October 7, 2022

    We built a really big neural network to predict people’s heights based on their faces, trained it on images of humans, and it told us that Jesus was either 3’2” or a golden…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    House Movie Night Just Sex Scene from Mulholland Drive

    Andre Dang / September 5, 2022

    “I like to think that Behar house has always appreciated the highest class of film, and as such, we wanted to pick something that would engage our residents."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat

    Andre Dang / August 12, 2022

    The new frat, officially named “PSI, no, not that one”, will begin recruiting in April in honor of Earth Day.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth

    Andre Dang / April 12, 2021

    Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.”

    read more

Read It and Weep

  • North Korea Wins Unprecedented 18th World Cup
  • Struggling in a Toxic Relationship? Try Being More Toxic
  • Point: I Wanna Step on the Reynolds Club Seal/ Counterpoint: I Want the Reynolds Club Seal to Step on Me
  • Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow
  • Point: I Can Fix Him/ Counterpoint: I Can Make Him Worse
  • BTS Members Disband for Good After Finding Their True Passion in the Military
  • Point: Hey Guys! Watch Me Do an Ollie on My Skateboard!/ Counterpoint: Uh Oh!
  • Oh Boys! Kevin Abstract Debuts Completely New Boy Band Also Called Brockhampton
  • MLA Edition 10 – 2022 Update
  • “Shut the Door on Your Ex” and Other Advice From Door Etiquette for Dummies

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