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Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow
I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks.
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Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself
Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that he went to…
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OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
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Rockefeller Chapel Bells Now Exclusively Play for When BeReal Notification Is Sent
In a recent statement, Dean of Students Michelle Rassmussen wrote, “I’m sick and tired of students posting their BeReals hours after when the notification was sent out. Students are disobeying the purpose of…
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Meet The Six People You’ll Throw Up On in College
She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You’d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You’d thought you’d shower her…
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How Tall Was Jesus Christ? We Asked Every Academic Department
We built a really big neural network to predict people’s heights based on their faces, trained it on images of humans, and it told us that Jesus was either 3’2” or a golden…
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House Movie Night Just Sex Scene from Mulholland Drive
“I like to think that Behar house has always appreciated the highest class of film, and as such, we wanted to pick something that would engage our residents."
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After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat
The new frat, officially named “PSI, no, not that one”, will begin recruiting in April in honor of Earth Day.
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Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth
Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.”
