On campus, I was “cancelled” by my so-called “tolerant” peers for [VERB ENDING IN -ING] a(n) [SINGULAR NOUN] at Cathey Dining Commons. Under the Reagan administration, such a display would have been welcomed, if not revered.

By refusing to do their jobs, UCPD hopes to get CNC to stop demanding that they not do their jobs. “It’s foolproof,” Car Searle State, the current Chief of the UCPD, said in a statement to the Dealer.

Attention: if you or a loved one lives in University Housing and couldn’t find two matching socks this morning, then this message might concern you. Housing Staff were recently busted for installing laundry machines specifically designed to trap socks inside their capsules and retain them when the rest of the load is removed.

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year in The College, has been sprinting across the campus for over a week in hopes of avoiding the election entirely.  

Rodón’s no-hitter, and the sign along with it, served as a beacon of hope during a difficult time for the University. “We hope that Carlos’ dynamic, lockdown performance provides a great example for the University community while our stay-at-home order is still in place,” Michele Rasmussen, Dean of Students in the University, said. “Like the Cleveland hitters did on Wednesday, students should not leave home for any reason.”

The Dealer sat down with UChicago students to talk about the things they wished they had known last March. Well, just one student, really. And most of his complaints were about one history exam he bombed.

My professor just graded my first essay for Readings in World Literature and gave me an F. I’m really confused because I copied most of it from an essay I wrote in AP Literature that got an A. Everything about it is so smart — even I don’t understand it! I guess it wasn’t academic enough… can anyone help me out? Here it is: Splitting Hairs: A Socio-Fatalistic Exploration of Follicular Constructions Vis-á-Vis Gilgameshian Exegesis The assiduous reader will take irremediable issue with the pitfalls of importing a Western follicular model to the Sumerian epic. Here we shall discuss a hermeneutic of masculine body hair and its ubiquitous parameterization of…

“Help! Help! No, not the Goose please please that was a birthday pres… huhhhh… where is UCP-” were the last words of David Vanderbilt, a fourth-year Big Problems Major at the University of Chicago, before he entered a coma after getting the living shit stomped out of him by a local group of aspiring capitalists. Security camera footage showed three masked criminals abiding by the state covid mask mandate sprinting away southbound on University Avenue, leaving a trail of white feathers behind. By the time UCPD arrived at the scene, three days later in response to David’s post-coma call, the feathers had scattered across the Midway. Mr. Vanderbilt’s Big Problems…

Yes, we used a psychic to predict The Maroon’s COVID-19 retrospective so that we could publish its headlines first. But did you know we've done that a lot over the years? Here are the remaining headlines in Dealer-published issues which have been pulled word-for-word from The Chicago Maroon, meaning we can no longer take credit for them.