Get ready to gallop into the New Year because President Trump has found a way to make all sports games from now until forever a lot more exciting and culturally relevant.  Say goodbye to the ridiculously difficult “Star Spangled Banner” and say hello to America’s K-Pop future. The entertaining days of Fergie botching the national anthem will be sadly missed, as the catchy 2012 one hit wonder by Psy will play at the beginning of every sporting event, 4th of July and state functions.  Trump’s decision baffled experts who all agreed  that the US was desperately in need of a new National Anthem, but couldn’t understand why the president chose…

by Kate Kaplin Everyone should know by this point in the year that the only pets allowed in dorms are the RH’s dogs and kids. Kevin Garcia, however, discovered the loophole of all loopholes. He spilled some soda on a sourdough roll from McCathy in the corner of his single, set the thermostat to a cool 68 degrees Fahrenheit and let nature take its course. After about a week, he had a new, spotty green friend. When asked why he chose to grow this unconventional companion in particular, he said, “I was deciding between a chia pet and moldy bread but ultimately decided on the bread because its unique shape…

Sources from ABC had claimed that the ending of The Bachelor would not be spoiled, but Reality Steve strikes again! The gossip blog has revealed that this season’s final rose will go to a living, breathing windmill that speaks exclusively in plane puns.    From Reality Steve’s most recent blog post: “Pilot Pete will give the final rose to a humanoid windmill that communicates exclusively with phrases like ‘that outfit really stuck the landing, pilot!’ and ‘are we in first class? Because my towelette is moist.’ The windmill’s name is Courtney. She has a southern accent that mysteriously appears and disappears depending on whether Pilot Pete is nearby, and she…

Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list of laws that are still to be enforced on campus. In an email addressed to the undergraduate student body, Dean of Students Michele Rasmussen writes: “Put simply, as an institution we are above the law and choose what remains legal and illegal. Effective February 1, all dancing will be prohibited. Moreover, minorities are not to stand on street corners in numbers greater than three, and no women are to be outdoors past 8 PM. The University is…

Yesterday, Booker Prize Award Winner Salman Rushdie was seen scrambling out of bed in what looked like an unwashed undershirt, which barely covered his belly, throwing on his glasses to crank out the last 10,000 words of Robot Fatwa: The Novel, an AI political love-thriller he began for National Novel Writing Month. National Novel Writing Month is a yearly event encouraging writers to complete a 40,000-word novel within the month of November, with a focus on young or inexperienced authors who have yet to be recognized for their literary talents. When world-renowned British Indian novelist Rushdie began writing Robot Fatwa earlier last month, he actively updated his friends on Facebook…

Don’t go home. See #1. See #2. See #5. See #4. Pretend you only understand Aramaic now.

Thanksgiving break is upon us, but that doesn’t mean the pressure is off. Here are five great ways to ensure that your participation grade for Thanksgiving dinner is an excellent one: Ask questions and create controversy Making memorable contributions to your family Thanksgiving dinner is more important than making constructive contributions, so don’t be afraid to stir the pot a little bit! Ask the questions that will liven up your discussion: why wasn’t the turkey as good this year as it usually is? Immigrants: good or bad? At 1AM, when your family finishes arguing, nobody will remember how often you spoke, only that you asked questions that prompted a lively and…