Let’s face it. 2020 possesses all of the charm of an overly affectionate leech: sure, we know its intentions are good, but warm, fuzzy feelings do nothing to stop a blackout from blood loss. In this “new normal,” it’s understood that sacrifices have to be made, daring plays may be rewarded, and sneezing in public is the fastest way to become socially ostracized. But in a world in which the precedent has been unprecedented precedents, a new precedent has been established by The Chicago Shady Dealer, as incoming first year Nell Rydzewski joined their team this past week. The move, described as “mystifying” by an anonymous source close to the…

How did I get here? Do taller people always have bigger feet? How do I work this? If the floor’s made out of floor, is the roof made out of roof? Where is that large automobile? Will this finally make my father love me? What is that beautiful house? I’m definitely the first person to ever think of this. Where does that highway go to? How did they come up with stairs? Am I right? Am I wrong? Gay or Black people? My God! What have I done?  

Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests going back months. “Everyone knows that the frats are best at COVID,” said a first-year student who asked not to be identified by name. A representative from the admissions office confirmed that they have fielded waves of calls from students from the class of 2024 wondering if the COVID tests they took in high school were transferable to credits in the College. Last week, third year Econ Major Stew Dent took to Canvas to express his disappointment…

To the Class of 2024: We know this isn’t how you wanted your time in college to start. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type. COVID-19, of course, has made all of that impossible. Frankly, you should have known that a school with a phoenix in its seal…

Hi there! We’re the sentient ghouls of Levi Hall. You might remember us as the minds behind all-time-great administrative emails like “No we won’t lower tuition”, “Something about Thucydides”, and “Here is a riddle!”. We just wanted to confirm that we, collectively, do indeed know a lot of words. We counted! Between all of us, it’s more than 100,000 words! We’ve also been doing DuoLingo, so honestly, if you count other languages, it could even be more. You’ve really only seen a small subset of what we’re capable of in our emails. What’s that? Do we know “Black Lives Matter”? I don’t think we’ve ever heard those words in that…

Don’t shower. Given that you haven’t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven’t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body’s natural oils and “funk,” if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food.   Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don’t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered…

Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this too shall pass. Just let it go. Just lift your chin up, smile, and peel your ass off the toilet.  Don’t take Lactaid, that changes the chemistry of your digestive system! You want to go see a gastroenterologist?  Just snap out of it! Everyone struggles with gastrointestinal problems in their life, but you have to power through like everyone else! Do you think you have it bad? There are people out there who don’t even have a…

“This is the first good decision he’s made on behalf of the black community,” said longtime Hyde Parker Marshall Jackson. “Now that he’s out of the race, I could see myself giving him a second chance.”   Controversy in his home city of South Bend, Indiana for his firing of a black police chief and not doing enough for the black community followed Mayor Pete.   “Maybe if he spent as much time talking about reparations and ending police violence as he did about ‘future former Republicans’, he wouldn’t have to drop out,” said fellow Hyde Parker Amisha Thompson. “Not that big a loss – he was running to be…