“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!”  That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch, the most effective matchmaking experiment since Bachelor in Paradise, has returned—this time with more insightful questions, and what the press is calling “an insurmountable amount of hype.” For over a year, we have worked tirelessly to present this 25 question quiz designed to help you to find your soulmate or BFF.  The history of Datamatch at the University of Chicago is a long and noble one, going all the way back to February 2019. Harvard called, and…

January 29, 2020. In a clerical error, the University of Chicago has purchased the property of 61st and Cottage Grove, current home to Jewel-Osco. The deal, costing the University $20 Million, appears at first glance to be part of the University’s continued efforts to expand into the Woodlawn neighborhood, a move some have described as ‘gentrification’. In truth, it is the result of a simple misunderstanding.    Last month, University President Robert Zimmer asked his secretary, Katie Callow-Wright, to buy him a Juul to fuel his crippling nicotine addiction. Callow-Wright misheard the request, believing President Zimmer to be demanding Jewel-Osco, the grocery store franchise. Subservient to President Zimmer’s every wish,…

You probably all know me as Michael Phelps, the American swimmer who happens to be the most prolific champion in Olympic history.   But what you might not know is that for years, ever since I came back from Rio, a single fear had taken over all aspects of my life. Anyone who’s ever dealt with a severe, crippling anxiety like my own will recognize the symptoms, right off the bat:   Every morning, waking up and kissing your astoundingly beautiful supermodel wife, Nicole Johnson, who won Miss California USA and later competed in the Miss USA pageant, which she, despite widely being considered a favorite to take the title…

God peaked with his renowned Genesis. But is the hype worth it?   Ever since it was first published in 950 BC, Genesis has been a reader favorite, taking its place on a top shelf in every household and in the bedside drawers of hotel rooms. His highly acclaimed work meant God’s writing abilities went unquestioned by the public. Perhaps in fears to “ruin the mood” for Old Testament superfans, critics, too, have abstained from commenting on the authorship of God and sheepishly reviewed the translators’ work instead. Three millennia later, it is finally time to ask ourselves the long-evaded question: Is God really a good writer?   The short answer is no. The…

Sources from ABC had claimed that the ending of The Bachelor would not be spoiled, but Reality Steve strikes again! The gossip blog has revealed that this season’s final rose will go to a living, breathing windmill that speaks exclusively in plane puns.  From Reality Steve’s most recent blog post: “Pilot Pete will give the final rose to a humanoid windmill that communicates exclusively with phrases like ‘that outfit really stuck the landing, pilot!’ and ‘are we in first class? Because my towelette is moist.’ The windmill’s name is Courtney. She has a southern accent that mysteriously appears and disappears depending on whether Pilot Pete is nearby, and she has…