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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 24, 2023

    "Of all the no-fly lists I could get into, this was my top choice."

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 20, 2023

    Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve

    Justin Banks / March 19, 2023

    When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: This New Provost Will Fix Everything!

    Katherine Phillips / January 30, 2023

    I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion

    Alasdair Greenland / December 9, 2022

    "In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

    Andre Dang and 1 more / November 30, 2022

    In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Likes Resident Head’s Dog a Little Too Much

    Joelle Stephenson / October 5, 2022

    Amanda and Bubbles — a middle-aged golden retriever — have spent time together, going on walks and chasing squirrels, rabbits, and mailmen. By second week, if Amanda was coming to the end of…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture

    Edward A. Meyer / August 8, 2022

    Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir

    Jaden Woods / May 1, 2022

    “I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Breaking: Your New Student Government

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo and 2 more / April 25, 2022

    The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
  • University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
  • Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
  • Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
  • Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
  • Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
  • Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
  • UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
  • “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
  • Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

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