Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
"Of all the no-fly lists I could get into, this was my top choice."
Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad
Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.
“Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve
When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”
Op-Ed: This New Provost Will Fix Everything!
I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype.
Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion
"In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."
OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
First Year Likes Resident Head’s Dog a Little Too Much
Amanda and Bubbles — a middle-aged golden retriever — have spent time together, going on walks and chasing squirrels, rabbits, and mailmen. By second week, if Amanda was coming to the end of…
Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.
MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir
“I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…
Breaking: Your New Student Government
The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…