Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for Life. Like a lot of people, I was not aware Peterson existed until very recently. I wanted to know what all the hype was about, so I decided to take a look. You would never have guessed my surprise when I read that the first rule for life is to stick a finger up your ass! Well now I’m in a bit of a pickle because I went ahead and put my little pinky right up there…

In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on Monday. President of the University Robert ZimZam-Babam wrote, “It is with great regret that we join our prestigious colleagues in this disastrous, horrific scandal that has plagued the most elite universities in the world.” The President continued: “Students and parents are so determined to enjoy all the benefits of a UChicago education including our excellent undergraduate teaching, amazing weather and location, quality inexpensive food and housing, and healthy social and mental environment that they are willing to…

In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy, the fraternities of UChicago have graciously opened their doors to the Maroons of the future, offering them a unique, vaunted perspective on student life at the University. A provisional class of prospies has been flown out to test the program and have been paired with hosts in AEPi, FIJI, and Sig Chi. The Dealer spoke with FIJI’s prospie rep, Chud Junkley IV, about how the fraternity’s prospies were adjusting to the frat house. “They’ve had an excellent…

By Christian Villanueva Jan. 21, 2019   Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero with you? Has your self-esteem gone down because of your inability to honor the famed late civil rights activist with a special someone? Do you stare longingly into the distance over the New York Sound searching for the green light that marks the home of your former lover who you crave in order to satisfy your idea of the American dream? If this sounds like you, then you just might be in the same boat as me…

By Olivia Reeves Nov. 22, 2018 In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of their traditional turkey dinner this Thanksgiving. Wallis, who told the Dealer that she is a vegan no less than fourteen times in a two minute interview, also vocalized her support for the decision. “I’ve been advocating against turkey terror in my household and in households across America ever since I can remember. Meat is murder and if cooking me means that my family will save one cute, snuggly, soft-as-tofu turkey from a brutal carnal death, then it…

By Nico Aldape Oct. 31, 2018   Millions across the nation celebrated Halloween by dressing as Migos this Halloween, the second-most popular costume among young black children (behind the King of Wakanda). The “Bad N’ Boujee” and “Walk It Talk It” rap group’s influence reached the University of Chicago this spooky season. “I mean, I picked Offset this Halloween, just cause I’m the tallest in my friend group,” said second-year Jamari Washington. He’s the tallest Migos. Also, if anyone doesn’t get my costume, all I need to do is yell ‘Offset!’ They get it after that.”  Washington then proceeded to rap the entirety of his costume-sake’s verse on Tyga’s “Taste”, unfortunately with no discernible…

By Diego Matamoros Oct. 15, 2018   After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana Grande has reportedly add/dropped SNL cast member Pete Davidson. In true third week fashion, Ariana has chosen to relieve her schedule of Davidson, despite claims earlier in the quarter that she could handle the extra commitment and had already had similar relationships in high school. “Yeah, sure, maybe I haven’t been engaged before, but I’ve dated other guys with tattoos, so what’s the big difference? Potato, potato; Big Sean, Pete Davidson,” she said not two weeks ago, trying…

By News Desk Sept. 5, 2018   At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving Chicago and going straight to hell, baby!” The visibly gleeful Emanuel thanked the City Council for their cooperation as he finally relinquishes the ironclad grip he’s had on Chicago’s political machine for the past eight years. “It will fill my eyes with tears to leave a job I love, but it’s time for me to start a new chapter. And that new chapter is in Hell.” Emanuel proposed several initiatives…