Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for Life. Like a lot of people, I was not aware Peterson existed until very recently. I wanted to know what all the hype was about, so I decided to take a look. You would never have guessed my surprise when I read that the first rule for life is to stick a finger up your ass! Well now I’m in a bit of a pickle because I went ahead and put my little pinky right up there…

In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on Monday. President of the University Robert ZimZam-Babam wrote, “It is with great regret that we join our prestigious colleagues in this disastrous, horrific scandal that has plagued the most elite universities in the world.” The President continued: “Students and parents are so determined to enjoy all the benefits of a UChicago education including our excellent undergraduate teaching, amazing weather and location, quality inexpensive food and housing, and healthy social and mental environment that they are willing to…

In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy, the fraternities of UChicago have graciously opened their doors to the Maroons of the future, offering them a unique, vaunted perspective on student life at the University. A provisional class of prospies has been flown out to test the program and have been paired with hosts in AEPi, FIJI, and Sig Chi. The Dealer spoke with FIJI’s prospie rep, Chud Junkley IV, about how the fraternity’s prospies were adjusting to the frat house. “They’ve had an excellent…

By Ryan Fleishman March 27, 2017 After an intense research and development period involving complex mathematics and squiggly speed lines, famed White Sox All-Star pitcher José Quintana has invented an entirely new baseball pitch called the “really fastball.“ “I call it the really fastball because it’s a fastball, but even faster. A normal fastball goes whoosh, but my really fastball goes neeaohhh,” said Quintana through an interpreter. Quintana proceeded to mime a ball moving extremely fast with his hands while making airplane sounds. “All of us pitchers in baseball have been throwing fastballs while thinking, ‘This is it. This is the fastest ball.’ But did they ever think to go…

By Adam Lowinger Feb. 26, 2017 Bill Clinton Would Like to Remind Populace He Only Had to Lie Once to Be Put on TrialBy Adam LowingerConsidering the recent scandals and controversies surrounding the new Trump administration, many are calling for an impeachments trail.  To gain a better understanding of what this entails, the shady dealer contacted the only living president to have gone through an impeachment trial: Bill Clinton. “Well you see, first a member of the House has to bring up the charges and vote on them. In my case, I was accused of perjury, which is lying under oath. Keep in mind that I only did that once,”…

By Ryan Fleishman, 650 BCE Feb. 5, 2017 Are you a young, nubile maiden from the country taking your first spin through the city of Athens? Whether you visit the Gods’ temples in the famed Acropolis, go on a shopping spree at the marketplace in the Agora, or just take a calm walk through the city streets, Athens is the place to be. Now, I know all you beautiful ladies are ready to rush out to have the time of your life, but not everything in Athens is perfect! As a prominent Greek city with a wide array of temples dedicated to the Gods, Athens often has deitiesheavenly swinging by…

By Dan Lastres, Cana 25 C.E. Jan. 30, 2017 Cana, 25 AD- Jesus H. Christ, a Nazarene of Galilee, seems like your average carpenter. He dresses in open– toed sandals, plain robes, and doesn’thardly seems like much of a threat. At first glance you would think little of his average build, fair complexion, and chiseled Italian features. But, after a local wedding feast he attended ran out of wine, Jesus stepped up and transformed six jugs of water into sweet, tasty wine. The people partied on, although they were baffled and immediately began asking questions such as,like “Wwho is this guy, and what other kind of cool stuff can he…

By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 16, 2017 Area student Deborah Green, colloquially known as “Dee-Dee,” is currently under the impression that her attraction to various types of dogs is a uniquely defining feature of her personality, the Dealer reports.             “You don’t understand,” Green was overheard commenting to a close friend. “I will like, totally derail a conversation just to go pet a cute dog.”             “It’s honestly a problem,” she continued in a sincere tone, as though disclosing something interesting. “I’m kind of obsessed.”             Reporters were initially hesitant to believe that Green, 20, was somehow unaware of the fact that dogs are generally beloved by most people. However, follow-up…