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Masthead

Editor in Chief

Merrin Seegers

Managing Editor

Lena Birkholz

Deputy Managing Editors

Maisie Thompson

Jacob Halabe

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Aidan Jones

Andrea Zhou

 •

Deputy Layout Editors

Vangelis Psylos

Anu Vashist

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    US Government Releases Saved Daylight

    Andrea Zhou / April 13, 2023

    This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people).

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 24, 2023

    "Of all the no-fly lists I could get into, this was my top choice."

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 20, 2023

    Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve

    Justin Banks / March 19, 2023

    When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: This New Provost Will Fix Everything!

    Katherine Phillips / January 30, 2023

    I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion

    Alasdair Greenland / December 9, 2022

    "In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

    Andre Dang and 1 more / November 30, 2022

    In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Likes Resident Head’s Dog a Little Too Much

    Joelle Stephenson / October 5, 2022

    Amanda and Bubbles — a middle-aged golden retriever — have spent time together, going on walks and chasing squirrels, rabbits, and mailmen. By second week, if Amanda was coming to the end of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture

    Edward A. Meyer / August 8, 2022

    Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir

    Jaden Woods / May 1, 2022

    “I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…

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 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
  • Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
  • Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
  • Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
  • Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
  • Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
  • Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
  • A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
  • Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
  • Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus

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