A full 93% of the department’s members were unable to correctly identify the outgoing President as Donald Trump, or the incoming President as Joe Biden. In fact, a plurality of respondents (36%) listed Gerald Ford as the nation’s leader, with George H.W. Bush (21%), Dwight D. Eisenhower (18%), and Robert Zimmer (9%) following closely thereafter.

If you, unfortunately, live in International House, as I do, you have become familiar with the constant onslaught of construction workers descending into the basement of the Lab School (our benevolent neighbors) through the grates in the schoolyard. You may have even befriended one of them, while they waited for their shift in the hole to begin. The traditional uniform of an orange vest and a low-hanging hard hat may now even be a comfort, a sign that the University of Chicago remembers we exist. But what if I told you that the work they are doing is much more nefarious than electrical engineering, military bunker training for the child…

While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it should be clear that I’m referring, not to healthcare workers or front-line employees, but to the new store protocols at Victoria’s Secret. With their manicured finger on the pulse of America, the groundbreaking lingerie franchise has managed to cut through several layers of lace right to the heart of the matter and offer to the public what it needs most in these troubled times: “verbal bra fittings.” Smart. Stylish. So many other “s” words could be used…

The events today in our nation’s capitol have no doubt left many of us worried about the stability of our country, with some even uttering the possibility of a civil war on the horizon. We here at the CSD worry about our readers, so we’d like to share some tips on how to best prepare you and your loved ones. Find a comfortable, quiet area. Gather your loved ones! Stock up on your favorite food. Try to remain as quiet as possible. Make sure all equipment and machinery is in working order. Insert your copy of Captain America: Civil War into your Sony DVD player. Enjoy!

New York, N.Y. —  As 2020 comes to a close, network executives all across New York are racking their tiny brains trying to figure out how to announce the end of a truly hellish year and usher in a new, hopefully better one. At CNN, however, producers aren’t worried; they will simply perform the necessary ritual sacrifices to Dark Lord Baphomet and summon his pale servant Anderson Cooper, harbinger of the New Year and host of Anderson Cooper 360˚.   “We go through this every year,” said Executive Producer Dave Huntford through his hooded cowl. “In order to get Anderson in front of that ball on Times Square, we always make…

During the current holiday season, the usual ornery voices criticizing the use of the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” have resurfaced. But such criticism has gone on for long enough that their fulminations are no longer widely heeded. To try and understand why people should say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”, and make the message of celebrating Christmas relevant to a new generation, we decided to speak with Brent Charles “Chad” Worthington, the Outreach Director of the Institute for Creating Holiness by Restoring Innocuous Staging of Topically Meaningful and Appropriate Sermonizing (the CHRISTMAS Institute.) Brent explained that every time someone says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”,…

If you live on-campus and eat at the dining halls, you've probably got at least a few dozen plastic knives and spoons, left over from meals, burning a hole in your pocket right now. Since UChicago can't be bothered to stop giving us this unnecessary plastic waste, it's up to us to think up ways to put them to good use. Like writing out the entire 'Republic'.

Snuffles has been a part of the Young Republicans ever since she could drink milk out of a dish. She thinks that the free cat movement by those liberal snowflakes is an abomination and going to destroy her way of life.