Rodón’s no-hitter, and the sign along with it, served as a beacon of hope during a difficult time for the University. “We hope that Carlos’ dynamic, lockdown performance provides a great example for the University community while our stay-at-home order is still in place,” Michele Rasmussen, Dean of Students in the University, said. “Like the Cleveland hitters did on Wednesday, students should not leave home for any reason.”

The Dealer sat down with UChicago students to talk about the things they wished they had known last March. Well, just one student, really. And most of his complaints were about one history exam he bombed.

My professor just graded my first essay for Readings in World Literature and gave me an F. I’m really confused because I copied most of it from an essay I wrote in AP Literature that got an A. Everything about it is so smart — even I don’t understand it! I guess it wasn’t academic enough… can anyone help me out? Here it is: Splitting Hairs: A Socio-Fatalistic Exploration of Follicular Constructions Vis-á-Vis Gilgameshian Exegesis The assiduous reader will take irremediable issue with the pitfalls of importing a Western follicular model to the Sumerian epic. Here we shall discuss a hermeneutic of masculine body hair and its ubiquitous parameterization of…

“Help! Help! No, not the Goose please please that was a birthday pres… huhhhh… where is UCP-” were the last words of David Vanderbilt, a fourth-year Big Problems Major at the University of Chicago, before he entered a coma after getting the living shit stomped out of him by a local group of aspiring capitalists. Security camera footage showed three masked criminals abiding by the state covid mask mandate sprinting away southbound on University Avenue, leaving a trail of white feathers behind. By the time UCPD arrived at the scene, three days later in response to David’s post-coma call, the feathers had scattered across the Midway. Mr. Vanderbilt’s Big Problems…

Yes, we used a psychic to predict The Maroon’s COVID-19 retrospective so that we could publish its headlines first. But did you know we've done that a lot over the years? Here are the remaining headlines in Dealer-published issues which have been pulled word-for-word from The Chicago Maroon, meaning we can no longer take credit for them.

Staffers at Bon Appétit, a food and lifestyle magazine for people who spend more than $50 dollars on a single jar of cinnamon, suddenly left the magazine because of race stuff, and they left me alone, without any of their comforting weekly videos.

It’s been a year. What? It’s only February? Well between attempted coups and unstable internet connections, we here at the Chicago Shady Dealer have had our hands full. Not full enough to forget Datamatch though! That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of lockdown, nay, Winter Quarter, nay the year, is back! Datamatch, the most effective matchmaking experiment since Zoom’s gallery view, has returned—this time with more insightful questions, and what the press is calling “a lot of hype for an online quiz.” The history of Datamatch at the University of Chicago is a long and noble one, going all the way back to February 2019. Harvard…

Hyde Park- r/wallstreetbets has been granted special RSO status by UChicago’s admin, becoming the latest finance RSO to plague the University. Special RSO status allows a group to bypass the typical RSO application process because they can — and because they make money. Our sources tell us that Dean Boyer headed the initiative, seemingly ecstatic that the GameStop (GME) stocks he had purchased for his grandchild’s birthday had risen to such heights, as a result of the Redditors’ efforts. The University plans to announce the incorporation of this Reddit thread as an RSO later this week in a press release stating: “STONKS, STONKS, AND STONKS. 🚀🚀🚀🤑🤑🤑” Admission to the r/WallStreetBets…

A full 93% of the department’s members were unable to correctly identify the outgoing President as Donald Trump, or the incoming President as Joe Biden. In fact, a plurality of respondents (36%) listed Gerald Ford as the nation’s leader, with George H.W. Bush (21%), Dwight D. Eisenhower (18%), and Robert Zimmer (9%) following closely thereafter.