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Hallowed Grounds Shift Composed of 2 People to Stand There and 1 Person to Work
A scathing report from the Maroon recently revealed that 66% of Hallowed Grounds’ finances are dedicated to people that “don’t do much."
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Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…
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Acronym Majors on the Rise, New Report Says
Third-year Elena Cooperington agreed: “I told employers at job interviews that I was majoring in REES and SALC with minors in CMST, CRES and CEGU and they had the gall to question my…
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“Mountain” of Scratch Offs Found Under University Administration Offices
To find out what this could possibly mean, we arranged a video call with Robert Solis, financial analyst and University of Chicago alum. “They’re doing a good job of diversifying their assets. In…
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Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
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UChicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
Will Tackleman, club rugby’s fourth-year captain, said, “Most of us have never played football before, but we thought this would be a good team-building event for the guys.”
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UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine
The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.
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EPIC NEW FRESHMEN CHARTER NEW FRAT OMEGA OMEGA OMEGA
Anyways, me and my boys are buying this apartment in Solstice cause we don’t like living in I-House and we thought it would be really cool to cram as many people in there…
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University Initiates Book Drive for Local Elementary School
When asked about the book drive program, one parent responded, “Wait, they’re selling the books, right? For money? And then they’re giving us the money. Right?” The parent expressed disappointment upon being provided…
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Disaster Strikes! Kid You Hate Still Goes Here
Realistically, the dream that he would leave the school, or at least get thrown out the door of a plane, was unlikely. But did he really have to spawn right here, right now?…
