A recent study published in the Chicago Review of Sociology found that only a small fraction of your friends actually like you, with barely a fourth of your close contacts and loved ones admitting they actually enjoy your company. Study Director Dr. Susan Chang, who conducted a survey of your entire social circle, spelled out the reasons behind these low figures, saying: “It’s because of that thing you do with your lips. You know that thing you do when you’re talking where you scrunch up your lips all weird? People hate that.” She also reported several complaints from participants, whose identity remains anonymous per terms of the study, about your…

Like generational wealth or seasonal depression, Alpha Delt’s Bar Night is a long-held tradition at the University of Chicago. Most students are familiar with classic bar night practices like getting drunk and attempting not to projectile vomit on the Center for the Study of Gender and Sexuality. However, what does the “Bar” in Bar Night even signify? After months of research — and over $436 in expenditures from the vending machines in Ex-Libris — the Dealer has uncovered that the “Bar” in Bar Night is about the Bar Exam. This led the journalistic heavyweights and legal scholars behind the Shady Dealer to craft our own version of the Bar Exam.…

I have done many things for the sake of journalism. I’ve gone deep undercover as a UChicago cafeteria worker, delved into the financial workings of our school’s administration, and even kayaked on the Seine. However, for this Martin Luther King Day, I undertook my most difficult journalistic mission yet. I decided to investigate one of the largest issues prevalent in our nation, an issue that a UChicago email poll rated as a “Top 5 Issue on the Student Body’s Mind.” I investigated the issue of Race in America.  Now, it’s no secret that white people enjoy a certain level of status in the world. I am a privileged white man…

Divvy bikes are convenient – if you happen to find one that works. But sadly, some students irationally fear they’ll look “stupid” on one. We hope to remove the stigma around these blue contraptions, because convenience never needs to come at the cost of looks. Here are five tips to look like a 10 on your next Divvy ride. Seat adjustment is crucial. Make sure the seat is as high up as possible to elongate your legs and highlight your killer calves. Ride with no hands. Your less attractive peers will confirm your lifelong God complex, as they see you ride hands-free. They will throw their naked bodies towards you,…

UChicago’s Department of Housing and Residence Life announced very late Thursday evening that housing for all undergraduates would be relocated to the suburbs of Wellington, New Zealand, beginning January 2022. The statement was made shortly after Provost Ka Yee C. Lee notified that Winter Quarter would be delayed, presumably aiming to resolve student concerns over housing amid the last-minute schedule change. Per University announcement, “Community transmission of COVID-19 in New Zealand remains low, especially when compared to the Chicago area. After careful deliberation, we have decided to relocate all student housing from our Hyde Park campus to Churton Park, New Zealand.” The Department of Housing and Residence Life also specifically…

The Dealer sat down for an exclusive interview with newly-inaugurated President Paul Alivisatos. In doing so, the Dealer has become the only student publication to gain access to the elusive campus giant. (The Maroon could not.)   So, Paul, we’re excited to have you with us. Let us be the first to congratulate you on the new posting. We’re sure this is the start of a defining chapter in the University’s history. Alivisatos: Despite my tyrociny, I shan’t be inveigled by your panegyric blandishments.   Okay. Well. Anyway. Let’s start this interview off: what is your first priority as president? Alivisatos: Concurrent to my abalienation, I have descried a certain…

For the UChicago white community, it has been a hard year. Starbucks did not bring back the chestnut praline latte, Urban Outfitters discontinued “nevertheless she persisted” y2k baby tees and, most recently, Taylor Swift emerged from her barnyard chic McMansion to bravely rerecord her Red album. As of this morning, white women everywhere have relived the heartbreak and acne-filled anguish of their middle school years in Taylor Swift’s new old music. Avoid insensitive phrases. While mentioning Jake Gyllenhaal at the house table during a discussion about Donnie Darko seems appropriate, it may be detrimental to your white friend’s well being. White woman tears are real, and they aren’t a joke.…

In no particular order: Under the Walt Whitman head in Harper Memorial Library In the secret bathroom (marked as fire escape) in Harper next to the CPO Behind the Lamassu at the OI In an IHouse music room In the bathroom [crime scene] of the Divinity School where the Romanian political assassination happened In the Henry Moore statue dedicated to radiation next to Max P In the middle of Mansueto library (only when it’s made to look like the Erudite HQ) In a North elevator that’s missing its buttons The observatory on the top of Ryerson (red light room) The Book Stacks Elevator (right before you go find ancient texts…

Aghast by societal double standards towards the exposure of male and female chests, Pike brothers have begun conducting extensive research into the 2014 “Free the Nipple” movement. Their findings have led them to become staunch advocates of Second Wave Feminism, a term popularized in 1968 by journalist Martha Lear. This year, instead of supporting the veterans as their chosen philanthropy, Pi Kappa Alpha President, Chad Bush, a super senior in the College studying Business Economics and Cinema & Media Studies, made his brothers aware of the “Free the Nipple” Movement after screening the 2014 documentary by the same title. The members of the UChicago chapter of Pi Kappa Alpha have…