Bartlett to Follow Agriculture Department Advice: Meals to Feature Tortilla, Broccoli, and Maybe Chicken

The Department of Agriculture, following a midnight séance conducted by Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., and Secretary Kennedy’s undead brain worm, has issued guidance on how to create an affordable yet healthy meal: Wrap a single piece of broccoli and a shred of chicken in a tortilla.

While most nutrition experts say the meal lacks several important components, like “dairy” and “appropriate portion sizes,” it has found some supporters. Foremost among them is the University’s own Bartlett Dining Commons, which announced it is  phasing out its current “One Slab of Overcooked Meat and a Handful of Cherry Tomatoes” portion sizes in compliance with the new recommendations.

“With the old portions, we had several students who managed to take enough food to sustain themselves,” explains Campus Dietician Felicia Bramble. “The Agriculture Department’s new recommendations will ensure that every student who visits Bartlett hungry leaves hungrier. It’ll be a campus of Oliver Twists.”

Bramble’s advice to students seeking extra nutrition? “Come stock up on snacks at our newly renovated Bart Mart. No Tylenol, and snacks for sale involve barely any whole grains, lots of raw milk, with everything fried in beef tallow.”