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Rockefeller Chapel to Get Sleek, Cool Upgrade Once They Figure Out Who Put That Scaffolding Up There.
University leadership admitted in a press conference Tuesday that the scaffolding was not actually theirs. When asked how this could have happened, University President Paul Alivisatos dabbed his forehead with a gold monogrammed…
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Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
"I applied ED to this derelict institution under the fatuous impression that it was still a citadel of higher thought. Yet with each passing day I am compoundingly impelled to think that we…
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UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
Hale’s actions have spurred rumors that UChicago is trying to take over a school with fewer Big Ten football wins than it (UChicago 7, Northwestern 0).
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Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt
“Letting Phoenix AI tell the few students who didn't know about the University’s debts would’ve killed the last bit of fun they had left. Come on, let ‘em live a little.”
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Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You
It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.
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Quantum Mechanics Final to Be Held in One of Seven Locations
"Due to the quantum uncertainty principle, because we know exactly when the exam will be, we are unable to determine exactly where the exam will be until it happens and is observed."
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Student From California Confused by Cold Weather, Assumes Snow Is Ash from Nearby Wildfire
The only season she had previously been familiar with was Fire Season, though she contested that it was less of a season and more of a lifestyle.
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“Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…
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5 Things to Bean at Your Frat Pledges Instead of Eggs
Grocery prices have risen over the past few years, and thanks to a smidgen of bird flu, eggs are more expensive than ever, at almost $5 a dozen in Illinois. Scandalous! If you’re…
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UChicago Acceptance Rate Falls Below 0%, Current Students Must Reapply
When you think about it from a mathematical standpoint, the hyperbolic decay function tells us that the shift into negative numbers was inevitable,” explained Ethan Chu, who majored in Applied Mathematics before he…
