I’ve spent my life until this point looking for people as cool as me. I was the coolest kid in high school, even if no one else thought so. I had my lunch table all to myself. I even started on the football team until a better water-boy took my spot.

Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.”

In the wake of the University’s announcement that campus would be entering a second lockdown of the quarter, a group of UChicago fraternities released a statement.

“I hope this new name will remind students that fun is just an obstacle towards achieving their goals,” Griffin told the Dealer. “I also have high hopes that the name will go a long way towards reminding UChicago students that I have a shitload of cash.”

"The committee felt that students should be motivated to study for finals before they actually learn the material that will be on their finals, and if you don't like it fuck you your GPA is too low to transfer anyway," Lee's email finished.

A recent email from the College urged students to stay at home and within the Chicago area during the upcoming spring break, and revealed that the only activity the College suggests students do during the break period was to click the button below this article. “We think the goal of the game — to increase the number of times the button has been clicked — will serve as a satisfying communal objective for the College as a whole”

Rather than deal with the Soros-backed liberal elites of the media, I decided to turn my cubicle into a soapbox and recite my argument on the fourth floor of the Reg. Having chosen the University of Chicago because of its embrace of free speech, I knew that I wouldn’t be #cancelled on this campus.What happened next shocked me.

Lieutenant Commander Zimmer denies that the school has become complicit in hyper-militarism, stating that the Main Quadrangle’s helipad has been there all along, and that anyone who disagrees will be dishonorably discharged.

With the COVID-19 pandemic, us first-years have had a good amount of time to explore our rooms. That being said, here’s seven things in my room I haven’t made sweet, sweet love to.