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Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
When asked if he had ever written a weekly discussion post, Watercrest immediately ran out of the room.
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University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
“This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”
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Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.
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Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
Reports have also shown her soliciting 6’8” tall men for “uppies.”
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UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
Boyer cited the hundreds of dollars worth of chemicals and the impetus for the university’s decision to finally axe the sequence.
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“How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
“We were already going to cause awful lunch backups with the Bartlett closure. How much worse could it get?”
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Professor Allen Sanderson Makes Inspiring Debut at UChiCon
Sanderson also shocked attendees by taking home the grand prize of the Cosplay competition.
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“Perspective for Difficult Times”: An Oral History of UChicago’s Most Infamous Administrative Email
Three years ago today, admin sent an email entitled “Perspective for Difficult Times” into the university community’s inbox. Granted unprecedented access, we spoke to the people involved in creating the infamous email on…
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Reg to Introduce Death Penalty for Overdue Books
Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a “state of the art automated weaponry system” installed at the building’s front…
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Nuclear Reactor Found in Rafters of Harper Memorial Library
Students studying for their midterms did not look up when warned “there’s a nuclear reactor,” only speaking up to respond that Harper Memorial Library is a no-talking zone, and would you please kindly…