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Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend like this is some celebration of creativity and intellectual originality. No. Wake up. The administration is not doing anything more significant in not recognizing GSU than those weird geeks with Japanese fetishes who show up at anime conventions in droves having paid hundreds of dollars to create the most accurate Chun Li costume. You want to do something creative? Don’t cross the graduate student’s picket line. Start there. Instead of bashing those participating in labor action, why…
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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily by the need to wrap your dick in some sort of nano-material, since god knows anything else would just overwhelm it. “His dick was honestly getting lost in his XS Trojans,” your ex-girlfriend reported in a statement to the Dealer. “It was like a kid in his dad’s shoes. Or like clown shoes,” she continued, “except less cute. Also, I’m sorry for the kid analogy. I’m not a creep I promise. The point is just that it’s…
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New Central Route to Only Turn Right
In an effort to streamline the Nightride shuttle system, the Central route has been revised to only make right-hand turns, effective immediately. In an email to the student body, Transportation and Parking Services informed students of the recent change. “Students have voiced concerns that the Shuttle routes are too circuitous and unintuitive. We recognize that students’ commuting patterns can change over time, and we are always making changes to reflect demand, which is why we are excited to announce that, starting tonight, we have banned the Central from making any left turns.” “It is our hope that the next time you’re going for a night out, or visiting a friend…
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Campus North Resident Surprised to Find New, Hip Restaurant in Dorm Room
When third-year Hannah Gilbraith came home from tennis practice late last Thursday night, she walked into Campus North as usual, tapped her ID at the front desk, and rode the elevator up to Trott house. Upon opening the door to her room, she was surprised to find her bed, clothing, and all worldly possessions gone and replaced with Pad, a sleek, modern, Asian fusion restaurant that had been constructed and opened mere hours beforehand. Gilbraith approached the bored second year behind the counter and asked where her room had gone. The cashier replied in a dull monotone, “Welcome to Pad, a sleek, modern, Asian fusion restaurant. What do you want?”…
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Hallowed Grounds Consecrated by Holy See
Regulars of Hallowed Grounds, the fourth most popular coffee shop in Reynolds Club, were surprised last Sunday to see the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, his Holiness Pope Francis I, enter the coffee shop with a retinue of cardinals and a full complement of the Swiss Guard. His Holiness’ arrival was preceded by a trumpet fanfare and a jarring series of clunking noises as the Popemobile trundled up the narrow stairwell leading to Hallowed’s doors, Francis solemnly waving from within at the six customers in the cafe. As the Pope emerged from his vehicle, both baristas leapt over the bar and prostrated themselves before him, kissing his shoes…
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Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden
Ahead of announcing this year’s Summer Breeze lineup, MAB has revealed that Dean Boyer’s Seals and Crofts cover band will be headlining the beer garden, exclusively playing their hit “Summer Breeze” on repeat throughout the day. Boyer has learned how to play the guitar just for the occasion and is very excited to show off his new skills. According to Boyer’s assistants, the song has been stuck in his head for months and he has gradually transitioned to communicating solely by using lyrics from the piece, which reached No. 6 in the charts in 1972. Boyer’s office rightly believed that the only way to save face was to form a…
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Shady Classifieds: Cobb Cafe
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed of being a bridge troll, confined to the dark damp subterranean world and asking riddles of those who cross your path? Perhaps Cobb Café is your place. Many students seeking employment on campus are confused as to how they can get a coveted coffee shop job. With your useless degree and overall unemployability, why not build skills for your future career as an assistant manager at a local Caribou Coffee? Here’s how to become a “barista” at…
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Survey Reveals Frats Suck Because They’re All Scorpios
A recent survey of University of Chicago Greek life has revealed that every single fraternity brother since 1920 was born under the astrological sign of Scorpio, and is therefore a totally irredeemable trash human being. So far, the University community has reacted with little surprise. “Anybody who’s willing to get peed on, so THEY can pee on somebody four years later? Yeah, that’s a Scorpio,” said Bert Talleyrand, a third-year student and pee expert. “I just wish they’d pee on me,” he said, beginning to cry. Campus astrology expert and first-year humanities major Bathilda Trelawney was also consulted on this matter. “Scorpios are typically secretive and distrustful,” Trelawney said, “which…
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“We Need Communism” Says Econ Bro After Being Forced to Watch 3 Consecutive YouTube Ads
It was a dark Friday night, and Zakry Gaylord Beta, a second-year Economics major, had just returned home after a long, arduous day of solving Lagrangians. Naturally, he was tired, so he did what any tired college student would do: he hung up his Canada Goose and fired up his laptop to watch funny videos on YouTube. However, when he clicked on Fail Army One Hour Fail Compilation, he saw not bicycle fails and drunk brawls, but rather a message from Geico to save $100, a tip on how to find work on Fiverr, AND a plea from Apple to buy the newest iPhone. This experience of big business shoving…
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Op-Ed: That’s Right, I’m Passionate About Finance
Hey! Thanks for agreeing to get coffee. I know you’re busy, but I’ve got 20 meetings today and a p-set due tomorrow after my 4 interviews, so I could only just squeeze you in today. Thanks again. (I stand up and shake your hand.) (You try to end the handshake but I prolong it a few more seconds.) Ha-ha! That’s the stuff, a good firm grip will take you anywhere, y’know. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I, an economics major, am passionate about finance. I know! Wild, huh? Me, a 21-year white guy wearing a ghastly salmon shirt I paid too much for, passionate about finance? Bet…
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