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Zoom Host Drunk with Power
In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power.
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If You Sent Your Crush the Wrong Quad Pics…I Am Here to Help.
So you made a little mistake. Well… maybe a big little mistake. Well…maybe a really big little mistake. You sent your crush the wrong quad pics . Before you start going into anaphylactic shock, I just want to let you know that there’s no need to worry. I’ve made this mistake many times. Probably as many times as you can count on three hands and one finger. Some call me an expert in this field. This oddly specific inability for me to differentiate between a college quad, and the quads that are on the human musculoskeletal system is actually the reason why I decided to partake in this line…
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Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad
Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be isolated until at least 10 days have passed since symptoms appeared and at least 24 hours have passed since the resolution of fever without the use of fever-reducing medications and improvement of other symptoms. For undergraduates living in University residence halls who test positive, the University has identified isolation spaces where they can recover if they have symptoms, and where there is a low risk of exposing others. A space being prepared for this potential use is…
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OP-ED: I’m a Fundamentals Major and My Question is “A Who Did What Now?”
When I came to college from a small town in rural Pennsylvania, I had no idea what I wanted to major in. I tried Math, but it was too hard. I tried Sociology, but my outfits weren’t good enough. I tried Cinema and Media Studies, but I thought that every movie was a horror movie and I got too scared. But none of these majors truly scratched my intellectual itch. Then I found Fundamentals. Each Fundamentals major poses one big question to study during their time in college. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to ask. Drawing on the legacies of greats like Plato, Aristotle, and Kant,…
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Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend like this is some celebration of creativity and intellectual originality. No. Wake up. The administration is not doing anything more significant in not recognizing GSU than those weird geeks with Japanese fetishes who show up at anime conventions in droves having paid hundreds of dollars to create the most accurate Chun Li costume. You want to do something creative? Don’t cross the graduate student’s picket line. Start there. Instead of bashing those participating in labor action, why…
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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily by the need to wrap your dick in some sort of nano-material, since god knows anything else would just overwhelm it. “His dick was honestly getting lost in his XS Trojans,” your ex-girlfriend reported in a statement to the Dealer. “It was like a kid in his dad’s shoes. Or like clown shoes,” she continued, “except less cute. Also, I’m sorry for the kid analogy. I’m not a creep I promise. The point is just that it’s…
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New Central Route to Only Turn Right
In an effort to streamline the Nightride shuttle system, the Central route has been revised to only make right-hand turns, effective immediately. In an email to the student body, Transportation and Parking Services informed students of the recent change. “Students have voiced concerns that the Shuttle routes are too circuitous and unintuitive. We recognize that students’ commuting patterns can change over time, and we are always making changes to reflect demand, which is why we are excited to announce that, starting tonight, we have banned the Central from making any left turns.” “It is our hope that the next time you’re going for a night out, or visiting a friend…
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Campus North Resident Surprised to Find New, Hip Restaurant in Dorm Room
When third-year Hannah Gilbraith came home from tennis practice late last Thursday night, she walked into Campus North as usual, tapped her ID at the front desk, and rode the elevator up to Trott house. Upon opening the door to her room, she was surprised to find her bed, clothing, and all worldly possessions gone and replaced with Pad, a sleek, modern, Asian fusion restaurant that had been constructed and opened mere hours beforehand. Gilbraith approached the bored second year behind the counter and asked where her room had gone. The cashier replied in a dull monotone, “Welcome to Pad, a sleek, modern, Asian fusion restaurant. What do you want?”…
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Hallowed Grounds Consecrated by Holy See
Regulars of Hallowed Grounds, the fourth most popular coffee shop in Reynolds Club, were surprised last Sunday to see the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, his Holiness Pope Francis I, enter the coffee shop with a retinue of cardinals and a full complement of the Swiss Guard. His Holiness’ arrival was preceded by a trumpet fanfare and a jarring series of clunking noises as the Popemobile trundled up the narrow stairwell leading to Hallowed’s doors, Francis solemnly waving from within at the six customers in the cafe. As the Pope emerged from his vehicle, both baristas leapt over the bar and prostrated themselves before him, kissing his shoes…
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Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden
Ahead of announcing this year’s Summer Breeze lineup, MAB has revealed that Dean Boyer’s Seals and Crofts cover band will be headlining the beer garden, exclusively playing their hit “Summer Breeze” on repeat throughout the day. Boyer has learned how to play the guitar just for the occasion and is very excited to show off his new skills. According to Boyer’s assistants, the song has been stuck in his head for months and he has gradually transitioned to communicating solely by using lyrics from the piece, which reached No. 6 in the charts in 1972. Boyer’s office rightly believed that the only way to save face was to form a…
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