The University of Chicago community was shocked Monday after reports surfaced that a six-year-old child from a village in northern Mongolia is unaware of the existence of Nestor the Midway Cat. Nestor the Midway Cat is a current resident of the Netherlands and beloved University mascot.

After a long stint of exclusion from planetary classification, Pluto has finally put on enough weight to qualify as a planet. Its weight gain results largely from a breakdown of daily habits and a sweet tooth in quarantine.

Everyone on campus has been talking about the future of meat in our food - Burger King’s Impossible Whopper is now a mainstay item on their menu, Taco Bell serves a Beyond Sausage Breakfast Sandwich, and McDonald’s recently announced it will be offering a McPlant Burger at select locations in the near future.Some students feel that all this talk has been drowning out the voices of meat eaters on campus. In an effort to prop up these marginalized consumers, a group of first and second years have taken the initiative to found a new culinary magazine, The Chicago Carnivore, that is being published online with a monthly print version additionally mailed…

I’ve spent my life until this point looking for people as cool as me. I was the coolest kid in high school, even if no one else thought so. I had my lunch table all to myself. I even started on the football team until a better water-boy took my spot.

Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.”

In the wake of the University’s announcement that campus would be entering a second lockdown of the quarter, a group of UChicago fraternities released a statement.

“I hope this new name will remind students that fun is just an obstacle towards achieving their goals,” Griffin told the Dealer. “I also have high hopes that the name will go a long way towards reminding UChicago students that I have a shitload of cash.”

"The committee felt that students should be motivated to study for finals before they actually learn the material that will be on their finals, and if you don't like it fuck you your GPA is too low to transfer anyway," Lee's email finished.