The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

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  • 8=Democracy
  • About Us
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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Deblina Mukherjee

Diego Matamoros

Managing Editor

Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Layout Editor

Christian Villanueva

Copy Editors

Harry Weinstein

Rahul Gupta

Photo Editor

R.E. Stern

Social Secretary

Kate Kaplin

Director of Special Projects

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • 93GAa4wm3z4HbenzLbxWeQ
    Campus Life

    Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real

    November 19, 2020 /

    In recent news, the life (of the mind) at the University of Chicago has been brought to a startling halt after rumors began circulating that Administration forwent accepting ACTUAL students for the class of 2024 in favor of trained, underpaid actors. While this may seem outrageous, anyone who has actually seen the way freshmen are acting on campus right now will tell you that their behavior is highly incongruent with what is expected from  a typical UChicago admit. For one thing, there has been a significant decline in crying sounds and general sounds of misery in and around campus hot spots. This could hypothetically be attributed to COVID and social…

    read more
    Annie Dhal 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    November 5, 2020

    My Student Government Platform? More Hammocks

    May 16, 2019

    Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden

    May 16, 2019
  • Arts & Culture,  Campus Life

    UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary

    November 18, 2020 /

    Universal Pictures has just announced plans to release a Community Documentary in early 2023. The President of Universal Pictures, Peter Cramer, said his team made plans to the put the movie in production after learning of the paintball incidents at the University of Chicago.

    read more
    Dan Harmon's Secretary 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    I Broke My Pencil and Now I’m Sad I Can’t Fix It.

    October 19, 2020

    Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden

    May 16, 2019

    Nobody Ever Talks About How Great John Wilkes Booth Was as King Lear

    November 15, 2020
  • Campus Life

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    November 16, 2020 /

    A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381. 

    read more
    R.E. Stern 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden

    May 16, 2019

    UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick

    May 29, 2019
    93GAa4wm3z4HbenzLbxWeQ

    Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real

    November 19, 2020
  • Campus Life

    The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!

    November 12, 2020 /

    The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences -- the greatest Chicago thinkers to ever have existed.

    read more
    Benny Elfman 0 Comments

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    New Central Route to Only Turn Right

    May 27, 2019
    kuvia

    Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus

    January 28, 2019

    Phil the Phoenix Eats Child

    November 7, 2020
  • Campus Life

    Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event

    November 10, 2020 /

    Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.

    read more
    Anna Katz 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick

    May 29, 2019

    My Student Government Platform? More Hammocks

    May 16, 2019

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    November 5, 2020
  • Campus Life

    Phil the Phoenix Eats Child

    November 7, 2020 /

    In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child.

    read more
    Cameron Chang 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    93GAa4wm3z4HbenzLbxWeQ

    Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real

    November 19, 2020

    If You Sent Your Crush the Wrong Quad Pics…I Am Here to Help.

    October 19, 2020

    Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event

    November 10, 2020
  • Campus Life

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    November 5, 2020 /

    Following years of racism and discrimination, this UChicago sorority is shaking things up. In their most recent grab for respectability, Kappa Alpha Theta has decided on a bold new direction for their sisterhood: worship to the Great God Cthuhlu.

    read more
    Audrey Scott 0 Comments

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    Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden

    May 16, 2019

    Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends

    May 16, 2019

    “First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’”

    January 28, 2019
  • Campus Life

    Zoom Host Drunk with Power

    October 19, 2020 /

    In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power. 

    read more
    Cameron Chang 0 Comments

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    OP-ED: I’m a Fundamentals Major and My Question is “A Who Did What Now?”

    August 10, 2020

    The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!

    November 12, 2020

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    November 16, 2020
  • Campus Life

    If You Sent Your Crush the Wrong Quad Pics…I Am Here to Help.

    October 19, 2020 /

    So you made a little mistake. Well… maybe a big little mistake. Well…maybe a really big little mistake. You sent your crush the wrong quad pics .    Before you start going into anaphylactic shock, I just want to let you know that there’s no need to worry. I’ve made this mistake many times. Probably as many times as you can count on three hands and one finger. Some call me an expert in this field. This oddly specific inability for me to differentiate between a college quad, and the quads that are on the human musculoskeletal system is actually the reason why I decided to partake in this line…

    read more
    Ross Shapiro 1 Comment

    You May Also Like

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    November 5, 2020
    93GAa4wm3z4HbenzLbxWeQ

    Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real

    November 19, 2020

    “First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’”

    January 28, 2019
  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad

    September 9, 2020 /

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be isolated until at least 10 days have passed since symptoms appeared and at least 24 hours have passed since the resolution of fever without the use of fever-reducing medications and improvement of other symptoms. For undergraduates living in University residence halls who test positive, the University has identified isolation spaces where they can recover if they have symptoms, and where there is a low risk of exposing others. A space being prepared for this potential use is…

    read more
    University of Chicago Administration 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary

    November 18, 2020

    Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden

    May 16, 2019

    “First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’”

    January 28, 2019
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Chicago Shady Dealer

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