This week, the UChicago Student Wellness Center released a statement clarifying that the university’s indoor mask policy did not apply to people who are “hella cute.” “After carefully reviewing the current medical situation surrounding COVID-19, we have decided to grant mask exemptions to all the hotties of the university,” said Dean Boyer, in a statement to the whole school. Under the updated policy, perfect 10s at UChicago would be free to go maskless in dorms, classrooms, and athletic facilities so that the rest of the student body may admire their features and perhaps learn from their example. Some have raised concerns that the lack of masks on hot people would…

By refusing to do their jobs, UCPD hopes to get CNC to stop demanding that they not do their jobs. “It’s foolproof,” Car Searle State, the current Chief of the UCPD, said in a statement to the Dealer.

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year in The College, has been sprinting across the campus for over a week in hopes of avoiding the election entirely.  

As a self described film-enthusiast, I’ve seen my fair share of romantic comedies, affectionately known as romcoms. From 50 First Dates to Love, Actually, I’ve damn near seen it all, so you can trust me when I say that the September 29, 2020 Presidential Debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden was a terrible romcom. Immediately, the casting and choice of protagonists jump out as innocently misguided at best, but cruel and unusual at worst. The two main performers are, to put it lightly, coming to grips with their own obscurity, and as the audience, we are forced to watch them stake claims of relevance, distracting from the film. Younger…