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Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.
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Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
"Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…
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UChicago Clarifies That Indoor Mask Policy Does Not Apply to Hot People
This week, the UChicago Student Wellness Center released a statement clarifying that the university’s indoor mask policy did not apply to people who are “hella cute.” “After carefully reviewing the current medical situation…
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Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House
While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated when they watched…
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Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We’ll Tell You About Our New Jetski
Now, we understand, you might be thinking: what do you need my credit card number for? What could my credit card number possibly have to do with some definitely pre-existing jetski? What a…
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UChicago Student Running From College Council
While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year in The College,…
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Math Department Discovers New Highest Number
A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381.
