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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    A Dealer Investigation: The “Bar” in Bar Night is Referencing the Bar Exam, Right?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / January 21, 2022

    Like generational wealth or seasonal depression, Alpha Delt’s Bar Night is a long-held tradition at the University of Chicago. Most students are familiar with classic bar night practices like getting drunk and attempting…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    UChicago Clarifies That Indoor Mask Policy Does Not Apply to Hot People

    Jacob Halabe / October 25, 2021

    This week, the UChicago Student Wellness Center released a statement clarifying that the university’s indoor mask policy did not apply to people who are “hella cute.” “After carefully reviewing the current medical situation…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

    Donny Berger / October 24, 2021

    While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated when they watched…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We’ll Tell You About Our New Jetski

    Doug / October 11, 2021

    Now, we understand, you might be thinking: what do you need my credit card number for? What could my credit card number possibly have to do with some definitely pre-existing jetski? What a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    In Protest of Care Not Cops Strike, UCPD to Go on Strike

    Henry Mackall / May 3, 2021

    By refusing to do their jobs, UCPD hopes to get CNC to stop demanding that they not do their jobs. “It’s foolproof,” Car Searle State, the current Chief of the UCPD, said in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    UChicago Student Running From College Council

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 19, 2021

    While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year in The College,…

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  • Campus Life,  Favorites

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    R.E. Stern / November 16, 2020

    A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381. 

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Read It and Weep

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  • Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
  • Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
  • Why is the Trolley Problem On My Econ P-Set, and What Did Y’all Get?
  • MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir
  • Breaking: Your New Student Government
  • Sexy Jesus & Apoptles Rumble Time!!!
  • Four Complaints I Would Have About UChi-Con – If I Went, Which I Definitely Didn’t
  • Op-Ed from an Autistic Person: Why I Am Elated That I No Longer Have to Practice Masking

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