The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

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  • 8=Democracy
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Deblina Mukherjee

Diego Matamoros

Managing Editor

Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Layout Editor

Christian Villanueva

Copy Editors

Harry Weinstein

Rahul Gupta

Photo Editor

R.E. Stern

Social Secretary

Kate Kaplin

Director of Special Projects

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

Arts & Culture

Nobody Ever Talks About How Great John Wilkes Booth Was as King Lear

In our modern political climate, we tend to judge the figures of our history through one defining action. For Abraham Lincoln, that would be the Emancipation Proclamation. For Thomas Jefferson,…

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November 15, 2020
Politics

I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt

It has often been said that this election will be the most consequential of our lifetimes, so it is of utmost importance that we motivate voters to stay engaged. After…

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November 3, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer

FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs

Long recommended by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a fuel for one’s morning and a buffer from coffee acidity, breakfast is a very important meal. However, according to…

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May 16, 2019
Historical Issue

God Needs a Damn Cigarette After Week Four

After a fortnight of constructing reality, a local deity reported that He “just wants a fucking moment of peace.” “It’s not as easy as it looks,“ he started while lighting…

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February 6, 2019
Scientific Excellence

Top 10 Things Economists Think the Economy Is

Recent reports have found that most economists believe that the economy will recover quite strongly following the world-ending novel coronavirus. While this sounds like good news, it should also be…

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November 4, 2020
UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”
UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”
With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations

    January 13, 2021 /

    While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it should be clear that I’m referring, not to healthcare workers or front-line employees, but to the new store protocols at Victoria’s Secret. With their manicured finger on the pulse of America, the groundbreaking lingerie franchise has managed to cut through several layers of lace right to the heart of the matter and offer to the public what it needs most in these troubled times: “verbal bra fittings.” Smart. Stylish. So many other “s” words could be used…

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    Nell Rydzewski 0 Comments

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    “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show

    December 31, 2020

    Top 5 Things You Can Say in SOSC to Convince Your Professor That You Did the Readings

    October 18, 2020

    UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report

    November 23, 2019
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Prep for Civil War

    January 6, 2021 /

    The events today in our nation’s capitol have no doubt left many of us worried about the stability of our country, with some even uttering the possibility of a civil war on the horizon. We here at the CSD worry about our readers, so we’d like to share some tips on how to best prepare you and your loved ones. Find a comfortable, quiet area. Gather your loved ones! Stock up on your favorite food. Try to remain as quiet as possible. Make sure all equipment and machinery is in working order. Insert your copy of Captain America: Civil War into your Sony DVD player. Enjoy!

    read more
    Rod and Tom Ato 0 Comments

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    Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year

    November 6, 2019

    “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show

    December 31, 2020

    Coronavirus isn’t a big deal, it’ll be gone by Easter, I’ll be right eventually, it is what it is; Trump Contracts Coronavirus

    October 3, 2020
  • 8=Democracy

    The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts

    January 1, 2021 /

    Today, the Dealer is proud to release our official county-by-county interactive forecasts of the 2021 Georgia runoff elections for the U.S. Senate. This makes us one of the only data journalism sites willing to predict possible outcomes for Election Day on Tuesday, as most of our peers, including FiveThirtyEight, haven't touched this one.

    read more
    R.E. Stern 0 Comments

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    We Asked Each State’s Residents Who They Were Voting For. Here’s What They Told Us.

    September 28, 2020

    FiveThirtyEight Noticed Us

    October 19, 2020

    In 2020, Which Issues are UChicago Students Most Concerned About?

    September 28, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show

    December 31, 2020 /

    New York, N.Y. —  As 2020 comes to a close, network executives all across New York are racking their tiny brains trying to figure out how to announce the end of a truly hellish year and usher in a new, hopefully better one. At CNN, however, producers aren’t worried; they will simply perform the necessary ritual sacrifices to Dark Lord Baphomet and summon his pale servant Anderson Cooper, harbinger of the New Year and host of Anderson Cooper 360˚.   “We go through this every year,” said Executive Producer Dave Huntford through his hooded cowl. “In order to get Anderson in front of that ball on Times Square, we always make…

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    A Furloughed Personal Assistant 0 Comments

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    Top 5 Things You Can Say in SOSC to Convince Your Professor That You Did the Readings

    October 18, 2020

    Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle

    October 6, 2019

    Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year

    November 6, 2019
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What

    December 25, 2020 /

    During the current holiday season, the usual ornery voices criticizing the use of the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” have resurfaced. But such criticism has gone on for long enough that their fulminations are no longer widely heeded. To try and understand why people should say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”, and make the message of celebrating Christmas relevant to a new generation, we decided to speak with Brent Charles “Chad” Worthington, the Outreach Director of the Institute for Creating Holiness by Restoring Innocuous Staging of Topically Meaningful and Appropriate Sermonizing (the CHRISTMAS Institute.) Brent explained that every time someone says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”,…

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    Rahul Gupta 0 Comments

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    The Worst Part of MODA Was Having to Put the Models Down after the Show 

    March 3, 2020

    Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends

    May 16, 2019

    Coronavirus isn’t a big deal, it’ll be gone by Easter, I’ll be right eventually, it is what it is; Trump Contracts Coronavirus

    October 3, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Volume 17 Issue 2

    December 17, 2020 /

    read more
    Diego Matamoros 0 Comments

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    Night Owls Presents: Will it be Cold This Winter?

    October 28, 2020

    5 Cats Who Definitely Voted for Donald Trump

    November 17, 2020

    Milkshake Wednesday to be Replaced with Fecal Friday

    October 13, 2020
  • Lifestyle

    OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot

    November 26, 2020 /

    When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family, but this year I am thankful for something else: being really fucking hot. 

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    Paris Texas Hilton 0 Comments

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    Dealer

    I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life

    May 24, 2019

    Op-Ed: Does Anyone Have Any Tips or Tricks?

    November 8, 2020

    Which EIC Are You?

    September 16, 2018
  • Lifestyle

    How to Make the Perfect Un-mashed Potatoes for Thanksgiving

    November 25, 2020 /

    Step 1: Boil a pot of salted water. When the water is brought to a boil add your 8 or 9 potatoes and let them bathe for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes is up, check the potatoes. With your hands make sure they are completely soft, lol. If soft, take them out and place into a bowl.

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    Ross Shapiro 0 Comments

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    Which EIC Are You?

    September 16, 2018

    Sexy Steve Irwin/Stingray Costume Pulled From Shelves

    March 16, 2013

    Op-Ed: Does Anyone Have Any Tips or Tricks?

    November 8, 2020
  • Internships & Jobs & The Hard Reality of Modern Capitalism,  Oh the Places You'll Go!

    UChicago Grad Now Boss of his Former High School Bully

    November 25, 2020 /

    “It’s so crazy! It’s just like that old saying: don’t bully the nerd cause they might grow up to be your boss. But hey, don’t get me wrong! I’m not working these guys too, too hard. Chad loves to come up with fun ideas like this one to lighten the mood,” said Cox, as Mr. Brodie stapled his tie to a desk and proceeded to blindfold coworkers in a game of “pin the cocks on the cox.”

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    Jackson McNamee 0 Comments
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Write the Republic Using Your Excess Plastic Silverware

    November 23, 2020 /

    If you live on-campus and eat at the dining halls, you've probably got at least a few dozen plastic knives and spoons, left over from meals, burning a hole in your pocket right now. Since UChicago can't be bothered to stop giving us this unnecessary plastic waste, it's up to us to think up ways to put them to good use. Like writing out the entire 'Republic'.

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    R.E. Stern 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    Point: the English Department’s Requirement that Ph.D. Students be Interested in Taking Anti-Racist Coursework Excludes Conservatives Counterpoint: Conservatives can’t read

    October 13, 2020

    Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year

    February 2, 2020

    Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year

    November 6, 2019
 Older Posts

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • 8=Democracy
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Read It and Weep

  • Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations
  • How to Prep for Civil War
  • The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts
  • “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show
  • Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What
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