-
Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend like this is some celebration of creativity and intellectual originality. No. Wake up. The administration is not doing anything more significant in not recognizing GSU than those weird geeks with Japanese fetishes who show up at anime conventions in droves having paid hundreds of dollars to create the most accurate Chun Li costume. You want to do something creative? Don’t cross the graduate student’s picket line. Start there. Instead of bashing those participating in labor action, why…
-
UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily by the need to wrap your dick in some sort of nano-material, since god knows anything else would just overwhelm it. “His dick was honestly getting lost in his XS Trojans,” your ex-girlfriend reported in a statement to the Dealer. “It was like a kid in his dad’s shoes. Or like clown shoes,” she continued, “except less cute. Also, I’m sorry for the kid analogy. I’m not a creep I promise. The point is just that it’s…
-
New Central Route to Only Turn Right
In an effort to streamline the Nightride shuttle system, the Central route has been revised to only make right-hand turns, effective immediately. In an email to the student body, Transportation and Parking Services informed students of the recent change. “Students have voiced concerns that the Shuttle routes are too circuitous and unintuitive. We recognize that students’ commuting patterns can change over time, and we are always making changes to reflect demand, which is why we are excited to announce that, starting tonight, we have banned the Central from making any left turns.” “It is our hope that the next time you’re going for a night out, or visiting a friend…
-
I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life
I hoped that political violence would remain a buzzword or an abstract concept, but when my chauffeur Jeeves was driving me to campus this morning, I heard a horrifying news story from the UK. Nigel Farage, European Parliament member and esteemed leader of the Brexit party, was struck by a milkshake in Newcastle. You vengeful leftist cuck-mmunist gremlins may think this is funny, but for me, a freedom-loving conservative man with a debilitating inability to digest dairy, this is life or death. Well, life or life with grotesque bowel problems, which is basically the same thing. I was in tears when I saw the bold profile of MEP Farage coated…
-
Field Report from the Egyptian Bureau
I spiral down over the wheat field. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. The parched fields below glow gold in the evening light while the Nile sparkles in the distance. The evening is cool and still as my brethren and I begin our divine mission. My mandibles clack. I am ready. The wheat is tough and sun-dried from the earlier plagues, but I feel the divine strength of the Lord fortify my mouth parts. I tear through the stalks as the peasants look on in horror. We decimate field after field, laying waste to the land. The Lord my god looks down and sees that my…
-
Help! I Read a Jordan Peterson Article and Now My Finger is Stuck Up My Ass!
Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for Life. Like a lot of people, I was not aware Peterson existed until very recently. I wanted to know what all the hype was about, so I decided to take a look. You would never have guessed my surprise when I read that the first rule for life is to stick a finger up your ass! Well now I’m in a bit of a pickle because I went ahead and put my little pinky right up there…
-
Campus North Resident Surprised to Find New, Hip Restaurant in Dorm Room
When third-year Hannah Gilbraith came home from tennis practice late last Thursday night, she walked into Campus North as usual, tapped her ID at the front desk, and rode the elevator up to Trott house. Upon opening the door to her room, she was surprised to find her bed, clothing, and all worldly possessions gone and replaced with Pad, a sleek, modern, Asian fusion restaurant that had been constructed and opened mere hours beforehand. Gilbraith approached the bored second year behind the counter and asked where her room had gone. The cashier replied in a dull monotone, “Welcome to Pad, a sleek, modern, Asian fusion restaurant. What do you want?”…
-
Hallowed Grounds Consecrated by Holy See
Regulars of Hallowed Grounds, the fourth most popular coffee shop in Reynolds Club, were surprised last Sunday to see the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, his Holiness Pope Francis I, enter the coffee shop with a retinue of cardinals and a full complement of the Swiss Guard. His Holiness’ arrival was preceded by a trumpet fanfare and a jarring series of clunking noises as the Popemobile trundled up the narrow stairwell leading to Hallowed’s doors, Francis solemnly waving from within at the six customers in the cafe. As the Pope emerged from his vehicle, both baristas leapt over the bar and prostrated themselves before him, kissing his shoes…
-
Five Things You Forgot Need Spring Cleaning
The 10 day forecast might look like the man upstairs is playing tricks on us, but according to my inner senses (as informed by the Gregorian calendar), it is in fact spring. Yay. Between pretending to be stressed and securing summer internships to appease your parents, you might have forgotten to tidy up in the spirit of rebirth and renewal. But don’t worry, you silly goose: I’ve compiled a list of all the nooks and crannies that could use a bit of elbow grease. Your Browser History The winter was long and cold. You might have spent time looking at content that doesn’t still need to be living…
-
5 Takeaways from Oscar the Grouch’s New Album: When I Get Home, to My Trash Can
In true chaos-Muppet fashion, Oscar the Grouch revealed only a small handful of clues about his new album, When I Get Home, to My Trash Can, ahead of its arrival yesterday in the dead of night. He opened the lid of his trash home on Sesame Street and yelled, “Listen up, fuckers, here’s my tunes.” Maria, a friendly neighbor and national household name, was woken by this cry and one of the first to hear the album. She said of the songs, “There is a lot of self-loathing at the core. But the electronic and hip-hop drum and bass help you overlook the sadness of his trash lifestyle and his cripplingly…
The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
