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Viktor Orbán Wins Bid for USG President
Launching his bid two weeks ago, Orbán decided to run, citing the near non-existent turnout in previous USG elections. “After realizing that when a lot of people voted, I would lose, I realized…
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We Should Do This Thing, Says Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It
Unfortunately, Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It failed to consider the existence of the concepts of nuance or logistics. Although his idea seems like a sensible opinion that could theoretically keep cars…
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Woodlawn to host a bake sale to raise money for new carpet! Cupcakes $20,000 each
“Make no mistake, this is not your average bakesale,” says Woodlawn resident Overa Chiever. “This is a UChicago exclusive bakesale. Please, buy a Marx Macaron. Or perhaps a Core Cupcake.”
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Your Old Humanities Paper Appears in Epstein Files
The greatest embarrassment from the files, in which your unredacted full name appears, was the “C” you received on the paper. In an email to journalist Michael Wolff, Epstein noted that “the odyysey…
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Calculus Textbook Explains Trigonometry as “IDK🤷”
According to a representative from Publish or Perish Inc., the textbook’s chapter on trigonometry is supposed to be a mathematically rigorous treatment of the subject. Instead, Professor Lawrence Gamble opened his textbook to…
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Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through…
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Trump organizes GoFundMe to buy Greenland
If Denmark refuses to sell its territory, the funds may be used to purchase enough votes of Greenlanders to force them to sell. Details about the last part are unclear (given the decision…
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Heartwarming: SGFC Gives RSO $7.49 for Trip to Washington, D.C.
“We’d already tried a bake sale, a hot cocoa sale, a silent auction,” Poynting said. “We even sold tickets to our debate on energy policy! But we just weren’t raising money.” As a…
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Trump Vows War to Last No More than 6 Weeks/5 Minutes/17 Years
“This is gonna be over so fast, you’re not even gonna believe it,” Trump told a gaggle of reporters. “This is gonna be—look, in six weeks, this is gonna be done. History. OK?…
