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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

In Protest of Care Not Cops Strike, UCPD to Go on Strike

By refusing to do their jobs, UCPD hopes to get CNC to stop demanding that they not do their jobs. “It’s foolproof,” Car Searle State, the current Chief of the…

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May 3, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Clarifies That Indoor Mask Policy Does Not Apply to Hot People

This week, the UChicago Student Wellness Center released a statement clarifying that the university’s indoor mask policy did not apply to people who are “hella cute.” “After carefully reviewing the…

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October 25, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We’ll Tell You About Our New Jetski

Now, we understand, you might be thinking: what do you need my credit card number for? What could my credit card number possibly have to do with some definitely pre-existing…

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October 11, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat

    Jacob Halabe and 1 more / August 12, 2022

    The new frat, officially named “PSI, no, not that one”, will begin recruiting in April in honor of Earth Day.

    read more
  • Politics

    Wanna Feel Better About Politics? Donate to These 4 Inspirational Democrats Running in Districts They Have No Chance Whatsoever of Winning

    Twitter / August 10, 2022

    Recent political developments got you down? Want to do something to help out? Here are four extremely qualified Democratic candidates for Congress that want your hard-earned money. Donate to ease your sorrows! They’re…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture

    Edward A. Meyer / August 8, 2022

    Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.

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  • World Affairs

    Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama

    Christian Villanueva / August 5, 2022

    "Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…

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  • Campus Life

    Why is the Trolley Problem On My Econ P-Set, and What Did Y’all Get?

    Jordan Norberto / August 3, 2022

    On the one hand, 40 minutes is a lot of time, time that could be spent improving the PowerPoint I’m gonna use to fire my unpaid intern Jenny.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir

    Jaden Woods / May 1, 2022

    “I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Breaking: Your New Student Government

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo and 2 more / April 25, 2022

    The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexy Jesus & Apoptles Rumble Time!!!

    Kelvin Lototoaster / April 17, 2022

    Editor’s note: The Shady Dealer found this written on a piece of butcher paper in a trash can outside the divinity school. Please direct any complaints towards the original author. AUTHORS NOTE: This…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Four Complaints I Would Have About UChi-Con – If I Went, Which I Definitely Didn’t

    Kelvin Lototoaster / April 13, 2022

    The UChicago anime club held its annual anime convention last Saturday in Ida Noyes. To be clear, I didn’t know about this until I heard about it from a couple of weebs in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed from an Autistic Person: Why I Am Elated That I No Longer Have to Practice Masking

    Henry Mackall / April 6, 2022

    As you, the reader, are no doubt aware, the University lifted mandates on the practice of masking on our campus this week. Masking, defined by psychologists, is a social technique employed by autistic…

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 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat
  • Wanna Feel Better About Politics? Donate to These 4 Inspirational Democrats Running in Districts They Have No Chance Whatsoever of Winning
  • Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
  • Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
  • Why is the Trolley Problem On My Econ P-Set, and What Did Y’all Get?
  • MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir
  • Breaking: Your New Student Government
  • Sexy Jesus & Apoptles Rumble Time!!!
  • Four Complaints I Would Have About UChi-Con – If I Went, Which I Definitely Didn’t
  • Op-Ed from an Autistic Person: Why I Am Elated That I No Longer Have to Practice Masking

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