The Dealer sat down for an exclusive interview with newly-inaugurated President Paul Alivisatos. In doing so, the Dealer has become the only student publication to gain access to the elusive campus giant. (The Maroon could not.)   So, Paul, we’re excited to have you with us. Let us be the first to congratulate you on the new posting. We’re sure this is the start of a defining chapter in the University’s history. Alivisatos: Despite my tyrociny, I shan’t be inveigled by your panegyric blandishments.   Okay. Well. Anyway. Let’s start this interview off: what is your first priority as president? Alivisatos: Concurrent to my abalienation, I have descried a certain…

For the UChicago white community, it has been a hard year. Starbucks did not bring back the chestnut praline latte, Urban Outfitters discontinued “nevertheless she persisted” y2k baby tees and, most recently, Taylor Swift emerged from her barnyard chic McMansion to bravely rerecord her Red album. As of this morning, white women everywhere have relived the heartbreak and acne-filled anguish of their middle school years in Taylor Swift’s new old music. Avoid insensitive phrases. While mentioning Jake Gyllenhaal at the house table during a discussion about Donnie Darko seems appropriate, it may be detrimental to your white friend’s well being. White woman tears are real, and they aren’t a joke.…

In no particular order: Under the Walt Whitman head in Harper Memorial Library In the secret bathroom (marked as fire escape) in Harper next to the CPO Behind the Lamassu at the OI In an IHouse music room In the bathroom [crime scene] of the Divinity School where the Romanian political assassination happened In the Henry Moore statue dedicated to radiation next to Max P In the middle of Mansueto library (only when it’s made to look like the Erudite HQ) In a North elevator that’s missing its buttons The observatory on the top of Ryerson (red light room) The Book Stacks Elevator (right before you go find ancient texts…

Aghast by societal double standards towards the exposure of male and female chests, Pike brothers have begun conducting extensive research into the 2014 “Free the Nipple” movement. Their findings have led them to become staunch advocates of Second Wave Feminism, a term popularized in 1968 by journalist Martha Lear. This year, instead of supporting the veterans as their chosen philanthropy, Pi Kappa Alpha President, Chad Bush, a super senior in the College studying Business Economics and Cinema & Media Studies, made his brothers aware of the “Free the Nipple” Movement after screening the 2014 documentary by the same title. The members of the UChicago chapter of Pi Kappa Alpha have…

I’ve been hearing more and more about the show Squid Game, and I must say, I am shocked and appalled that this show is allowed to be on the air, and alarmed by its growing popularity. While I have not seen it, I understand that it is a reality television show in which the participants have to kill or be killed, not unlike The Hunger Games. This is disturbing and unconscionable. Murder is wrong, but murder for entertainment value is truly disgusting. I call on the South Korean government to stop allowing the show to be filmed in their country. How many more must die for the sake of ratings? Beyond that, I call Netflix to…

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated when they watched him engage in conversation with three women over the course of Parents’ Weekend. Timothy was seen confidently saying “Hi” to Sally Jenkins in the hallways of Renee Granville-Grossman on Saturday October, 23, before causing her to giggle as he referenced how much work he has this weekend. Timothy was then spotted this morning telling Ella Hill the readings for HUMA in Cathey Dining Hall. Her roommate, Martha Stuart, stood by as they talked. All three women are…

Though I’m still an undergrad, I recently applied to an assistant professorship at Booth, for one reason: to fight for what I know is right. It is grossly inequitable that graduate students are able to teach undergraduate courses, but undergraduate students cannot teach graduate courses. It’s probably unconstitutional, too. In such a system, we must ask ourselves: quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who watches the watchmen? Or, indeed, who grades the graders? The professors? A third group, beholden to neither party, nor, indeed, subject to any oversight? That’s even more iniquitous, and there is only one remedy: we need to make undergraduates full professors in the university’s graduate schools. This would…

Let’s face it. The Blue Chips is one of the only organizations on campus actually worth being a part of. Doing any other RSO is a waste of time, which is why your lesser peers won’t be the ones that get that Goldman internship. To be fair, neither will you – unless you heed this advice carefully. It’ll only determine the trajectory of your entire life, no biggie. Make a sacrifice to the botany pond ducks. You must acquire three seeds of a kumquat, an ounce of your own blood, one feather from Phil the Phoenix, and a doritos locos taco. Present these to the botany pond ducks on a…