Yesterday, Booker Prize Award Winner Salman Rushdie was seen scrambling out of bed in what looked like an unwashed undershirt, which barely covered his belly, throwing on his glasses to crank out the last 10,000 words of Robot Fatwa: The Novel, an AI political love-thriller he began for National Novel Writing Month. National Novel Writing Month is a yearly event encouraging writers to complete a 40,000-word novel within the month of November, with a focus on young or inexperienced authors who have yet to be recognized for their literary talents. When world-renowned British Indian novelist Rushdie began writing Robot Fatwa earlier last month, he actively updated his friends on Facebook…

Don’t go home. See #1. See #2. See #5. See #4. Pretend you only understand Aramaic now.

Thanksgiving break is upon us, but that doesn’t mean the pressure is off. Here are five great ways to ensure that your participation grade for Thanksgiving dinner is an excellent one: Ask questions and create controversy Making memorable contributions to your family Thanksgiving dinner is more important than making constructive contributions, so don’t be afraid to stir the pot a little bit! Ask the questions that will liven up your discussion: why wasn’t the turkey as good this year as it usually is? Immigrants: good or bad? At 1AM, when your family finishes arguing, nobody will remember how often you spoke, only that you asked questions that prompted a lively and…

So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And then they get in line with all their cousins from Arkansas and wait to cut pieces out of this red, wobbly jello from a can, and then they cover the turkey with the jello and eat it all together. Also, you’re not supposed to season the turkey when you roast it because then the seasoning will overpower the taste of the jello.  The goal is to make the turkey as dry as possible so that the jello…

  Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Consider that due to that projection of  planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually is not, as the angle of a perception is just slightly too small to be considered far too big. But as long as your follow these instructions you will be okay. Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) Typical Taurus you’re going to experience some taurus shit this week.  Gemini (5/21 – 6/20) Congratulations! According to the weather report, if you’re a Gemini, you’re about to get a brand-new twin! The electricity in the air will cause all of your…

Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the fraternity’s house during a pledge event last Friday. Dane Phrumph, a first year from Sugarbarn, WI, reportedly recognized Boyer from a number of memes, and asked his pledge leader, fourth-year Chud Junkley IV, what the Dean was doing there. Junkley seemed confused, simply answering “Well, why wouldn’t he be here?” As the night went on and the pledges got to know the fraternity better, several pledges inquired about Boyer’s presence at the event, and none of them…

UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements. One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. I had to walk from Max P to the Reynolds Club at 11:30 in the morning by myself yesterday, and I was pretty nervous, but I was put at ease by the six UCPD cruisers I saw on my way over. I’m just so thankful for everything they do!” This is not the first time that UCPD has driven around the block. Many students have reported increased sightings in the past few weeks,…