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Study Reveals 90% of Group Project Work Done by One Sad Student
“I knew it!” said third-year student Audrey Smith. Her group member, Brian, was unavailable for comment because he was busy playing Brawl Stars.
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Bartlett to Follow Agriculture Department Advice: Meals to Feature Tortilla, Broccoli, and Maybe Chicken
While most nutrition experts say the meal lacks several important components, like “dairy” and “appropriate portion sizes,” it has found some supporters. Foremost among them is the University’s own Bartlett Dining Commons, which…
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Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
“I had never thought of grass growing as being so fascinating!” Eliza gushed as she cleaned Graham’s chalkboard. “And he had never met anyone who found his subject so important and interesting. It…
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Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
“I had to go from the Robinstein library to Batchinson Commons. I ordered a Via and it took 20 MINUTES to arrive! UNACCEPTABLE! Illegal immigrants are destroying our own American drivers. Under my…
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CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
Chartreuse’s earthy green tones remind CTA riders of our hardworking Illinois farmers. There is no one who respects Illinois agriculture more than me.
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Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
Being in a situationship is so much easier when they’re not a good person. Sharon literally fosters rescued monitor lizards, and she lets me pet them. Apparently it’s “good for their socialization.” They’re…
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I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
Like, are we sure he is going to testify in front of the court? He may not even be real! Lowkey, I was thinking this could be a movie. “Epstein 2: Mark Strikes…
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6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon
When I tell people I’ve got a job at Raytheon lined up for after I graduate, they usually say things like, “That’s really cool,” or “You’re really cool for working at Raytheon,” or…
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Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair
The Lair. Deep below the steam tunnels in Rosenwald Hall, they find where Dean of Admissions Jim Nondorf stores his contraband and concocts his plots. Among his collection are thousands of random pieces of…
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