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Shady Dealer Accepts Nell Rydzewski in Baffling Strategic Move
Let’s face it. 2020 possesses all of the charm of an overly affectionate leech: sure, we know its intentions are good, but warm, fuzzy feelings do nothing to stop a blackout from blood loss. In this “new normal,” it’s understood that sacrifices have to be made, daring plays may be rewarded, and sneezing in public is the fastest way to become socially ostracized. But in a world in which the precedent has been unprecedented precedents, a new precedent has been established by The Chicago Shady Dealer, as incoming first year Nell Rydzewski joined their team this past week. The move, described as “mystifying” by an anonymous source close to the…
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What Thought Will the Chicago Thinker Think Next?
How did I get here? Do taller people always have bigger feet? How do I work this? If the floor’s made out of floor, is the roof made out of roof? Where is that large automobile? Will this finally make my father love me? What is that beautiful house? I’m definitely the first person to ever think of this. Where does that highway go to? How did they come up with stairs? Am I right? Am I wrong? Gay or Black people? My God! What have I done?
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Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad
Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be isolated until at least 10 days have passed since symptoms appeared and at least 24 hours have passed since the resolution of fever without the use of fever-reducing medications and improvement of other symptoms. For undergraduates living in University residence halls who test positive, the University has identified isolation spaces where they can recover if they have symptoms, and where there is a low risk of exposing others. A space being prepared for this potential use is…
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UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”
Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests going back months. “Everyone knows that the frats are best at COVID,” said a first-year student who asked not to be identified by name. A representative from the admissions office confirmed that they have fielded waves of calls from students from the class of 2024 wondering if the COVID tests they took in high school were transferable to credits in the College. Last week, third year Econ Major Stew Dent took to Canvas to express his disappointment…
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Letter: There’s Always Winter Quarter
To the Class of 2024: We know this isn’t how you wanted your time in college to start. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type. COVID-19, of course, has made all of that impossible. Frankly, you should have known that a school with a phoenix in its seal…
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Volume 16 Issue 6
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Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP
SCRANTON, PA – In a historic, bizarre, and unprecedented move, Joe Biden announced today that he had selected himself as the Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Biden also announced that Kamala Harris would replace him as the Democratic nominee for President. Harris, a pragmatic moderate who spent most of her early career as a prosecutor, tweeted that she was “honored” to be the first woman with a secure email server to be nominated for the Presidency by a major party. Biden, who made the announcement from a moving Amtrak train passing through Scranton, Pennsylvania, said “I look forward to doing what it takes to make Kamala Harris our next Commander-in-Chief.” Many of…
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OP-ED: I’m a Fundamentals Major and My Question is “A Who Did What Now?”
When I came to college from a small town in rural Pennsylvania, I had no idea what I wanted to major in. I tried Math, but it was too hard. I tried Sociology, but my outfits weren’t good enough. I tried Cinema and Media Studies, but I thought that every movie was a horror movie and I got too scared. But none of these majors truly scratched my intellectual itch. Then I found Fundamentals. Each Fundamentals major poses one big question to study during their time in college. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to ask. Drawing on the legacies of greats like Plato, Aristotle, and Kant,…
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We Know a Lot of Words, but None of Them are “Black Lives Matter”, Apparently
Hi there! We’re the sentient ghouls of Levi Hall. You might remember us as the minds behind all-time-great administrative emails like “No we won’t lower tuition”, “Something about Thucydides”, and “Here is a riddle!”. We just wanted to confirm that we, collectively, do indeed know a lot of words. We counted! Between all of us, it’s more than 100,000 words! We’ve also been doing DuoLingo, so honestly, if you count other languages, it could even be more. You’ve really only seen a small subset of what we’re capable of in our emails. What’s that? Do we know “Black Lives Matter”? I don’t think we’ve ever heard those words in that…
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Volume 16 Issue 5
The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
