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Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
They must be ignoring you. How else could they miss your second peek? Time to escalate. Drum your pencil on your notebook a little. Give them a taste of the pain they’re inflicting…
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University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
Students enrolled in the PMECP can expect the same, if not greater, academic rigor in the afterlife as on the material plane. This will involve weekly problem sets, midterms, language requirements (all students…
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Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
“I heard about the fire alarm incident at Woodlawn, and it hit a little too close to home,” said Higgins. “My grandmother died from fire alarm-induced hypothermia back in ‘09. The thought of…
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Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
For those UChicago students unaware of the concept of grade inflation (that’s inflation with an “I”, by the way, not deflation with a “D”), it is the wonderful idea that if you just…
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Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
Oh, you sweet summer child (well, frost-bitten husk drifting from Bartlett to the Reg like everyone else). You came here from California expecting what, exactly? A light breeze? A brisk 50 degrees?
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Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
You’ll remember this interview even if I don’t give you a T-shirt, won’t you? So the whole T-shirt business boils down to an unnecessary expense,” said Niro, thoughtfully stroking his bust of Milton…
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In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
According to recent reports, the letter will contain sharp criticisms of Donald Trump’s domestic and international policy. More specifically, excerpts have been leaked and include sentences such as “Kidnapping people is wrong,” “Kidnapping…
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Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy
“The picture on the sign explaining the food and drink policy says that pretzels are okay but hamburgers are not,” Hainault says. “But what about one of those really big pretzels you get…
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Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp
Through tears, Wagner’s roommate said, “The lamp—it was just something I found on Amazon. I didn’t think it had violent tendencies. The reviews were good… four and a half stars, rounding up.”
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