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Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Favorites, Politics

Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict

At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

read more
December 9, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
  • Campus Life

    Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 29, 2023

    When asked if he had ever written a weekly discussion post, Watercrest immediately ran out of the room.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 28, 2023

    “This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 27, 2023

    This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.

    read more
  • World Affairs

    Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 26, 2023

    The study also identified your stupid ass as the cause of mass sea turtle death, every single wildfire in California, and the 2008 Recession.

    read more
  • Politics

    Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / March 25, 2023

    Obama’s appearance has him join a long and distinguished list of UChicago Chemisty Professors who just don’t give a fuck.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 24, 2023

    "Of all the no-fly lists I could get into, this was my top choice."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / March 23, 2023

    Reports have also shown her soliciting 6’8” tall men for “uppies.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 22, 2023

    Boyer cited the hundreds of dollars worth of chemicals and the impetus for the university’s decision to finally axe the sequence.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close

    Cassie Fischer / March 21, 2023

    “We were already going to cause awful lunch backups with the Bartlett closure. How much worse could it get?”

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 20, 2023

    Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
  • University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
  • Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
  • Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
  • Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
  • Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
  • Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
  • UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
  • “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
  • Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

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