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President Trump Declared Dead after Not Posting on Truth Social for 5 Seconds
After President Trump disappeared from TruthSocial for five seconds, the White House received no less than two million emails requesting confirmation of President Trump's well-being. White House correspondents told the the Dealer that…
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Sorry! The Required Class for Your Major is Only Available to Fourth-Years with at Least Two Dead Parents.
“Post-cleanse, I became attuned to the changes in the mana around me, and became aware of the incredible amount of negative energy flowing from my Outlook inbox. I had no choice but to…
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Millions of Souls Stuck in Limbo as Heaven Undergoes Maintenance
Souls who made their way to the Pearly Gates were greeted by a sign bearing the words “SORRY, CLOSED :( GO 2 LIMBO PLS” in chalk. Beside the sign stood a cardboard cutout…
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Viktor Orbán Wins Bid for USG President
Launching his bid two weeks ago, Orbán decided to run, citing the near non-existent turnout in previous USG elections. “After realizing that when a lot of people voted, I would lose, I realized…
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We Should Do This Thing, Says Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It
Unfortunately, Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It failed to consider the existence of the concepts of nuance or logistics. Although his idea seems like a sensible opinion that could theoretically keep cars…
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Woodlawn to host a bake sale to raise money for new carpet! Cupcakes $20,000 each
“Make no mistake, this is not your average bakesale,” says Woodlawn resident Overa Chiever. “This is a UChicago exclusive bakesale. Please, buy a Marx Macaron. Or perhaps a Core Cupcake.”
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Your Old Humanities Paper Appears in Epstein Files
The greatest embarrassment from the files, in which your unredacted full name appears, was the “C” you received on the paper. In an email to journalist Michael Wolff, Epstein noted that “the odyysey…
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Calculus Textbook Explains Trigonometry as “IDK🤷”
According to a representative from Publish or Perish Inc., the textbook’s chapter on trigonometry is supposed to be a mathematically rigorous treatment of the subject. Instead, Professor Lawrence Gamble opened his textbook to…
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Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through…
