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Inaugural Spring Break Activities to Attract Record Numbers
Administration initially expressed concern over students leaving campus during the week of March 22 (recently coined “Spring Break”). “To keep students here, we may have to restrict access to the Maroon to devices on campus,” announced the Chairman of the Board. “That should do it,” the board agreed.
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UChicago Ad “At the Forefront” of Carlos Rodón’s No-Hitter
Rodón’s no-hitter, and the sign along with it, served as a beacon of hope during a difficult time for the University. “We hope that Carlos’ dynamic, lockdown performance provides a great example for the University community while our stay-at-home order is still in place,” Michele Rasmussen, Dean of Students in the University, said. “Like the Cleveland hitters did on Wednesday, students should not leave home for any reason.”
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On His Last Night, Prince Phillip Spotted Playing Pong, Hitting It Off with the Bros at AEPI
Anonymous tipsters claim that Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, was seen at AEPI, a University of Chicago fraternity, during his last night on Earth. He is survived by a crumbling homeland Greek economy, good friend Lil Nas X, and his beloved cousin, Queen Elizabeth II.
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I’m an Alpha Delt Pledge and You’re a Loser
I’ve spent my life until this point looking for people as cool as me. I was the coolest kid in high school, even if no one else thought so. I had my lunch table all to myself. I even started on the football team until a better water-boy took my spot.
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Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth
Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.”
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Frats Release Statement: “Hey Look, A Cool Bird!”
In the wake of the University’s announcement that campus would be entering a second lockdown of the quarter, a group of UChicago fraternities released a statement.
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Spring Break to be Renamed ‘Kenneth C. Griffin Week of March 21st’
“I hope this new name will remind students that fun is just an obstacle towards achieving their goals,” Griffin told the Dealer. “I also have high hopes that the name will go a long way towards reminding UChicago students that I have a shitload of cash.”
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What I Wish I Had Known on March 11th, 2020: A One-Year Retrospective on my Gilded Age History and Economy Final Exam
The Dealer sat down with UChicago students to talk about the things they wished they had known last March. Well, just one student, really. And most of his complaints were about one history exam he bombed.
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Admin Introduces Reading Hour Every Week That Accumulates Into One Reading Day
"The committee felt that students should be motivated to study for finals before they actually learn the material that will be on their finals, and if you don't like it fuck you your GPA is too low to transfer anyway," Lee's email finished.
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I Failed My First HUM Paper and I Don’t Know Why… ?
My professor just graded my first essay for Readings in World Literature and gave me an F. I’m really confused because I copied most of it from an essay I wrote in AP Literature that got an A. Everything about it is so smart — even I don’t understand it! I guess it wasn’t academic enough… can anyone help me out? Here it is: Splitting Hairs: A Socio-Fatalistic Exploration of Follicular Constructions Vis-á-Vis Gilgameshian Exegesis The assiduous reader will take irremediable issue with the pitfalls of importing a Western follicular model to the Sumerian epic. Here we shall discuss a hermeneutic of masculine body hair and its ubiquitous parameterization of…
The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
