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Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations
While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it should be clear that I’m referring, not to healthcare workers or front-line employees, but to the new store protocols at Victoria’s Secret. With their manicured finger on the pulse of America, the groundbreaking lingerie franchise has managed to cut through several layers of lace right to the heart of the matter and offer to the public what it needs most in these troubled times: “verbal bra fittings.” Smart. Stylish. So many other “s” words could be used…
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How to Prep for Civil War
The events today in our nation’s capitol have no doubt left many of us worried about the stability of our country, with some even uttering the possibility of a civil war on the horizon. We here at the CSD worry about our readers, so we’d like to share some tips on how to best prepare you and your loved ones. Find a comfortable, quiet area. Gather your loved ones! Stock up on your favorite food. Try to remain as quiet as possible. Make sure all equipment and machinery is in working order. Insert your copy of Captain America: Civil War into your Sony DVD player. Enjoy!
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The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts
Today, the Dealer is proud to release our official county-by-county interactive forecasts of the 2021 Georgia runoff elections for the U.S. Senate. This makes us one of the only data journalism sites willing to predict possible outcomes for Election Day on Tuesday, as most of our peers, including FiveThirtyEight, haven't touched this one.
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“Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show
New York, N.Y. — As 2020 comes to a close, network executives all across New York are racking their tiny brains trying to figure out how to announce the end of a truly hellish year and usher in a new, hopefully better one. At CNN, however, producers aren’t worried; they will simply perform the necessary ritual sacrifices to Dark Lord Baphomet and summon his pale servant Anderson Cooper, harbinger of the New Year and host of Anderson Cooper 360˚. “We go through this every year,” said Executive Producer Dave Huntford through his hooded cowl. “In order to get Anderson in front of that ball on Times Square, we always make…
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Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What
During the current holiday season, the usual ornery voices criticizing the use of the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” have resurfaced. But such criticism has gone on for long enough that their fulminations are no longer widely heeded. To try and understand why people should say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”, and make the message of celebrating Christmas relevant to a new generation, we decided to speak with Brent Charles “Chad” Worthington, the Outreach Director of the Institute for Creating Holiness by Restoring Innocuous Staging of Topically Meaningful and Appropriate Sermonizing (the CHRISTMAS Institute.) Brent explained that every time someone says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”,…
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Volume 17 Issue 2
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OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot
When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family, but this year I am thankful for something else: being really fucking hot.
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How to Make the Perfect Un-mashed Potatoes for Thanksgiving
Step 1: Boil a pot of salted water. When the water is brought to a boil add your 8 or 9 potatoes and let them bathe for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes is up, check the potatoes. With your hands make sure they are completely soft, lol. If soft, take them out and place into a bowl.
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UChicago Grad Now Boss of his Former High School Bully
“It’s so crazy! It’s just like that old saying: don’t bully the nerd cause they might grow up to be your boss. But hey, don’t get me wrong! I’m not working these guys too, too hard. Chad loves to come up with fun ideas like this one to lighten the mood,” said Cox, as Mr. Brodie stapled his tie to a desk and proceeded to blindfold coworkers in a game of “pin the cocks on the cox.”
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How to Write the Republic Using Your Excess Plastic Silverware
If you live on-campus and eat at the dining halls, you've probably got at least a few dozen plastic knives and spoons, left over from meals, burning a hole in your pocket right now. Since UChicago can't be bothered to stop giving us this unnecessary plastic waste, it's up to us to think up ways to put them to good use. Like writing out the entire 'Republic'.