Hi there! We’re the sentient ghouls of Levi Hall. You might remember us as the minds behind all-time-great administrative emails like “No we won’t lower tuition”, “Something about Thucydides”, and “Here is a riddle!”. We just wanted to confirm that we, collectively, do indeed know a lot of words. We counted! Between all of us, it’s more than 100,000 words! We’ve also been doing DuoLingo, so honestly, if you count other languages, it could even be more. You’ve really only seen a small subset of what we’re capable of in our emails. What’s that? Do we know “Black Lives Matter”? I don’t think we’ve ever heard those words in that…

Don’t shower. Given that you haven’t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven’t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body’s natural oils and “funk,” if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food.   Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don’t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered…

Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this too shall pass. Just let it go. Just lift your chin up, smile, and peel your ass off the toilet.  Don’t take Lactaid, that changes the chemistry of your digestive system! You want to go see a gastroenterologist?  Just snap out of it! Everyone struggles with gastrointestinal problems in their life, but you have to power through like everyone else! Do you think you have it bad? There are people out there who don’t even have a…

“This is the first good decision he’s made on behalf of the black community,” said longtime Hyde Parker Marshall Jackson. “Now that he’s out of the race, I could see myself giving him a second chance.”   Controversy in his home city of South Bend, Indiana for his firing of a black police chief and not doing enough for the black community followed Mayor Pete.   “Maybe if he spent as much time talking about reparations and ending police violence as he did about ‘future former Republicans’, he wouldn’t have to drop out,” said fellow Hyde Parker Amisha Thompson. “Not that big a loss – he was running to be…

The Boomers say cursive is dead. The millennials say cursive is useless. But I, a lonely sapiosexual, say cursive is life.   I like imagining the way cursive was invented. One day, someone looked at text and was like, you know what? These are too many fucking letters. Everyone needs to get a goddamn grip. I’m gonna make this shit one letter. Fucking take that, atheists. You didn’t think I could turn “contrapositive” into one letter — think again.   My dedication to cursive has proved something to me that I will never forget: Words are for the strong. People look at me strangely when I’m drawing connections between the…