“I thought they gave these awards to musicians or Presidents that record audiobooks,” said my clearly stunned grandmommy.

Henson is also suspected of cross-border trafficking: the court has questioned how Chinese and South American hunters could have acquired the rotting corpse of Big Bird.

Years from now, art history students will take treks to the 1st Floor Harper Women’s Bathrooms to study my seminal painting.

The Danish National Archives said in an email that it was “pretty sure we would know if Queen Alexandrine had a whole ass son in 1898.”

“It will allow me to travel the world and see my fans!”

“Brockhampton,” named after the Texas town where they met, features fellow youngsters Merlyn Wood, Joba, Bearface, and the cryogenically frozen head of John Lennon. 

"If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."

This may sound like a baseless claim, but the numbers back it up. Literally everybody we surveyed (which was a lot of people, by the way) said they’d rather watch all of the…