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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Arts & Culture

    Grammy Award Given to My Beautiful Grandma

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 10, 2023

    “I thought they gave these awards to musicians or Presidents that record audiobooks,” said my clearly stunned grandmommy.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Inspirational! The Hunters and Taxidermists That Jim Henson Forced to Make the Muppets Are Finally Demanding Fair Recognition for Their Work

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / February 28, 2023

    Henson is also suspected of cross-border trafficking: the court has questioned how Chinese and South American hunters could have acquired the rotting corpse of Big Bird.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Op-Ed: I Just Completed This Century’s Mona Lisa in the 1st Floor Harper Women’s Bathrooms

    Anonymous / February 21, 2023

    Years from now, art history students will take treks to the 1st Floor Harper Women’s Bathrooms to study my seminal painting.

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  • Literary Happenings

    How to Read Chicago Shady Dealer Headlines Like a Horoscope

    The Dealer's Psychic On Call / February 13, 2023

    They definitely thought about this one specific problem in their lives for at least two weeks before they brought it up at a pitch meeting and then the week that they wrote it.

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  • Arts & Culture

    New Report Casts Doubt on George Santos’ Claim to Danish Throne

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / February 3, 2023

    The Danish National Archives said in an email that it was “pretty sure we would know if Queen Alexandrine had a whole ass son in 1898.”

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    BTS Members Disband for Good After Finding Their True Passion in the Military

    Aidan Jones / January 19, 2023

    “It will allow me to travel the world and see my fans!”

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  • Arts & Culture

    Oh Boys! Kevin Abstract Debuts Completely New Boy Band Also Called Brockhampton

    Raphael Ambrösius Cousteau / January 17, 2023

    “Brockhampton,” named after the Texas town where they met, features fellow youngsters Merlyn Wood, Joba, Bearface, and the cryogenically frozen head of John Lennon. 

    read more
  • Literary Happenings

    MLA Edition 10 – 2022 Update

    Andrea Zhou / January 10, 2023

    Stale prose, no more; now poetry, galore  And lines with double spaces we ignore

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / November 29, 2022

    "If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."

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  • Arts & Culture

    Op-Ed: Sharknado Was the Last Great Literary Achievement

    Alasdair Greenland / November 8, 2022

    This may sound like a baseless claim, but the numbers back it up. Literally everybody we surveyed (which was a lot of people, by the way) said they’d rather watch all of the…

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 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
  • University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
  • Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
  • Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
  • Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
  • Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
  • Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
  • UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
  • “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
  • Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

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