Mark Zuckerberg is just like us! After years of speculation, we finally have substantive proof that he is not a robot sent from Mars to kill us all. He is, in fact, human: he too is completely fed up with seeing Michael Bloomberg all over his Facebook feed. Unlike the hilarious memability that is Bernie’s ads or the tangible desperateness in Elizabeth Warren’s ads, Bloomberg has tight, well formatted advertisements which makes them annoying and no fun. Like a Progressive commercial without Flo or a Pepsi commercial without Cardi B, Bloomberg ads are just not enjoyable to watch. I know that I for one have seen them too many times,…

Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list of laws that are still to be enforced on campus. In an email addressed to the undergraduate student body, Dean of Students Michele Rasmussen writes: “Put simply, as an institution we are above the law and choose what remains legal and illegal. Effective February 1, all dancing will be prohibited. Moreover, minorities are not to stand on street corners in numbers greater than three, and no women are to be outdoors past 8 PM. The University is…

To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,” and oh how heavy our flow has been Mr. Hemingway. So pass us a tampon and call us Bloody Mary, because we’ve got some quality writing inside these here pages. We realize that there are lots of places on campus you could have chosen to get a much needed dopamine hit after a long day, and we’re glad that we, your ever-loyal Dealer, still have your business.  Speaking of business, a new school year is…

First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been. Before you get ahead of ourselves, we wanted to take a moment to recognize how far you guys have come since your acceptance. To that end, we’re going to where it all started: awkward Facebook intros. Luckily, one of you was kind enough to volunteer your intro to us, so read on and get to know one of your fellow classmates!  “Hey guys what up, my name is Sauron and I’m so excited to be joining the…

The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in high school. We know you’ve heard it a million times before, but please be safe this O-week. We trust that y’all know to always ask for informed consent and to wear condoms, but there’s something your prestigious private high school’s sex ed didn’t teach you: PEE! AFTER! SEX!  Listen, I can’t stress this enough. Your sexual health and wellness depends on this simple tip. Fucking pee after sex! It’s that simple, you lil shit. You think your…