00 : 00 : 00 : 00 days hrs mins secs   The election (if you thought it was on Nov. 3, you’re wrong, get to voting, dumbass) Your parents’ divorce The next time you decide to get Chick-fil-A instead of making dinner again Your parents’ remarriage to other people Plan B’s going out of business sale The ten-second window where it’s safe to eat that avocado you bought in June Your parents’ remarriage to each other, and Doug Pain locker Next time you give up your principles and decide to order dish soap from Amazon When another universally beloved celebrity dies When Doug dies That awkward call where your…

Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests going back months. “Everyone knows that the frats are best at COVID,” said a first-year student who asked not to be identified by name. A representative from the admissions office confirmed that they have fielded waves of calls from students from the class of 2024 wondering if the COVID tests they took in high school were transferable to credits in the College. Last week, third year Econ Major Stew Dent took to Canvas to express his disappointment…

To the Class of 2024: We know this isn’t how you wanted your time in college to start. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type. COVID-19, of course, has made all of that impossible. Frankly, you should have known that a school with a phoenix in its seal…

Don’t shower. Given that you haven’t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven’t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body’s natural oils and “funk,” if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food.   Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don’t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered…

Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this too shall pass. Just let it go. Just lift your chin up, smile, and peel your ass off the toilet.  Don’t take Lactaid, that changes the chemistry of your digestive system! You want to go see a gastroenterologist?  Just snap out of it! Everyone struggles with gastrointestinal problems in their life, but you have to power through like everyone else! Do you think you have it bad? There are people out there who don’t even have a…

Mark Zuckerberg is just like us! After years of speculation, we finally have substantive proof that he is not a robot sent from Mars to kill us all. He is, in fact, human: he too is completely fed up with seeing Michael Bloomberg all over his Facebook feed. Unlike the hilarious memability that is Bernie’s ads or the tangible desperateness in Elizabeth Warren’s ads, Bloomberg has tight, well formatted advertisements which makes them annoying and no fun. Like a Progressive commercial without Flo or a Pepsi commercial without Cardi B, Bloomberg ads are just not enjoyable to watch. I know that I for one have seen them too many times,…