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Tired of Seeing His Ads, Mark Zuckerberg Blocks Bloomberg from Facebook Feed
Mark Zuckerberg is just like us! After years of speculation, we finally have substantive proof that he is not a robot sent from Mars to kill us all. He is, in fact, human: he too is completely fed up with seeing Michael Bloomberg all over his Facebook feed. Unlike the hilarious memability that is Bernie’s ads or the tangible desperateness in Elizabeth Warren’s ads, Bloomberg has tight, well formatted advertisements which makes them annoying and no fun. Like a Progressive commercial without Flo or a Pepsi commercial without Cardi B, Bloomberg ads are just not enjoyable to watch. I know that I for one have seen them too many times,…
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With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
CHICAGO, IL – Representatives for the Shady Dealer announced today that, despite the University of Chicago’s move towards online classes, the paper would keep publishing, albeit in a different format. Effective immediately, new issues of the Dealer will be distributed by fax. “With the University moving classes to Zoom, we figured it was finally time to embrace modern technology,” noted the paper’s editors in a statement released Friday. “The coronavirus crisis has forced us to think creatively about how we distribute our issues, and we think we’ve hit upon a solution that will finally bring the Shady Dealer into the 20th century.” Among other factors, the Dealer touted convenience as…
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Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year
“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!” That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch, the most effective matchmaking experiment since Bachelor in Paradise, has returned—this time with more insightful questions, and what the press is calling “an insurmountable amount of hype.” For over a year, we have worked tirelessly to present this 25 question quiz designed to help you to find your soulmate or BFF. The history of Datamatch at the University of Chicago is a long and noble one, going all the way back to February 2019. Harvard called, and…
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University Reaffirms Stance on Campus Regulations
Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list of laws that are still to be enforced on campus. In an email addressed to the undergraduate student body, Dean of Students Michele Rasmussen writes: “Put simply, as an institution we are above the law and choose what remains legal and illegal. Effective February 1, all dancing will be prohibited. Moreover, minorities are not to stand on street corners in numbers greater than three, and no women are to be outdoors past 8 PM. The University is…
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Letter from the Editors
To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,” and oh how heavy our flow has been Mr. Hemingway. So pass us a tampon and call us Bloody Mary, because we’ve got some quality writing inside these here pages. We realize that there are lots of places on campus you could have chosen to get a much needed dopamine hit after a long day, and we’re glad that we, your ever-loyal Dealer, still have your business. Speaking of business, a new school year is…
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A Look at the Class of 2023
First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been. Before you get ahead of ourselves, we wanted to take a moment to recognize how far you guys have come since your acceptance. To that end, we’re going to where it all started: awkward Facebook intros. Luckily, one of you was kind enough to volunteer your intro to us, so read on and get to know one of your fellow classmates! “Hey guys what up, my name is Sauron and I’m so excited to be joining the…
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PSA: PEE AFTER SEX
The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in high school. We know you’ve heard it a million times before, but please be safe this O-week. We trust that y’all know to always ask for informed consent and to wear condoms, but there’s something your prestigious private high school’s sex ed didn’t teach you: PEE! AFTER! SEX! Listen, I can’t stress this enough. Your sexual health and wellness depends on this simple tip. Fucking pee after sex! It’s that simple, you lil shit. You think your…
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Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend like this is some celebration of creativity and intellectual originality. No. Wake up. The administration is not doing anything more significant in not recognizing GSU than those weird geeks with Japanese fetishes who show up at anime conventions in droves having paid hundreds of dollars to create the most accurate Chun Li costume. You want to do something creative? Don’t cross the graduate student’s picket line. Start there. Instead of bashing those participating in labor action, why…
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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily by the need to wrap your dick in some sort of nano-material, since god knows anything else would just overwhelm it. “His dick was honestly getting lost in his XS Trojans,” your ex-girlfriend reported in a statement to the Dealer. “It was like a kid in his dad’s shoes. Or like clown shoes,” she continued, “except less cute. Also, I’m sorry for the kid analogy. I’m not a creep I promise. The point is just that it’s…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine, had to close in 2018 as it outgrew its cozy location at 53rd and Kenwood due to overwhelming popularity. Confirming months of speculation, the report highlighted how natural a fit the Hyde Park Shopping Mall location would be: “While Treasure Island will be missed, we believe that this new location will uniquely satisfy the needs of the UChicago community and Hyde Park.” The report went on to note that the 20,000 square foot basement will become an Einstein…
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