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Masthead

Editor in Chief

Merrin Seegers

Managing Editor

Lena Birkholz

Deputy Managing Editors

Maisie Thompson

Jacob Halabe

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Aidan Jones

Andrea Zhou

 •

Deputy Layout Editors

Vangelis Psylos

Anu Vashist

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Historical Issue

    Missing: Half an Assistant

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 7, 2023

    Last seen being sawed in half by one Harry Houdini, before announcing he would “make it disappear” to an enthralled audience.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Op-Ed: What if We Hide in the Trees Instead of Marching in a Huge Formation?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 6, 2023

    We’re the ones defending our territory, so we know the place and everything. What if we hid everywhere and waited for them to come to us?

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Grunk Invent Weapon, Nation Frighten

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 5, 2023

    “I important think to enforce natural monopoly.” Grunk threaten reporter. “Give berries or Grunk hit weapon.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Romanian Government Ranks Safest Campus Bathrooms

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 5, 2023

    Normally known for announcing the official news of their country, this surprise list has been widely distributed throughout Hyde Park.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Man Founds City of Pompeii in Scenic Location

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 4, 2023

    “We pray that Vulcan will nourish our crops with the ash and keep us safe from any pumice-related troubles.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Nothing Happens in Tiananmen Square

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 3, 2023

    This year was a big year for nothing happening. Notably, nothing happened in Germany either, where the Berlin Wall is still standing strong.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    As Y1K Looms, Mathematicians Raise Concern About Abacus Malfunctions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 3, 2023

    As many as two goods or services are being exchanged at any given moment, taking up a majority of the abacus beads not being used to count the date. 

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Sorry! We’ll Get ‘Em This Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous two hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Third Crusade’s The Charm

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous hundred and fifty years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    We’re Totally Gonna Win This Crusade

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
  • Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
  • Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
  • Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
  • Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
  • Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
  • Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
  • A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
  • Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
  • Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus

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