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SSRIs Cure Great Depression
“The problem is that everyone is sad,” said Council for International Economists chairman John Maynard Keynes. “If everyone were happy, people would buy stuff and the economy would be good. But everyone is…
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Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
Every morning, you all crowd down to Canary Wharf to look for work, and often, you are offered a job. And what a job it is! Unburdened by skill, or artisanship, you can…
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Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
“There’s no way one of those dastardly machines can replace one o’ us!” said Johnny Cross, a ten-year-old orphan in the workhouse.
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Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
“Zis is zee greatest honor a man can be given,” said Crashenblimpen, “I am compliment zat zis vill not be an ironic coincidence years on.”
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Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
“Why a musical? I’m a serious historical figure, and you guys are just dancing around the stage rapping. Oh dear, please tell me you didn’t include the affair… oh yes, yes you did."
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After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
The text reportedly opens five years after the events of the first book, and follows Jorge Jorwell, karate master and secret revolutionary leader who’s also really hot and has a lot of sex.
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Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
Kleene has already had an established career inventing mind-boggling mathematical concepts to demonstrate his non-existent narcissism, such as the Kleene closure, and Kleene algebra.
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Third Year Frat Brother Says He Majors in Bizcon “For the Children”
In a developing story coming out of Fiji House, frat brother Kyle Smith-Jones-Johnson III has announced that he will be majoring in business economics “for the children” (and for Goldman Sachs).
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Mozart Annihilates Beethoven in Searing New Diss Track “Piano Sonata No. 9”
AUSTRIA– The biggest music beef of 1790 just had its most exciting update yet. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart utterly destroyed longtime rival Ludwig Van Beethoven with the smash track “Piano Sonata No. 9.” The…
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Ask Senator McCarthy: Is My Mom Communist?
I am thoroughly convinced that this person who I know as my “mom” is not my real mother. She is some KGB spy that looks just like her, but is not her, you…