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Editors in Chief

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Managing Editor

Antonia Romm

Deputy Managing Editor

Katherine Timm

Layout Editor

Shayaan Gandhi

Photo Editor

Maddy Boneck

Copy Editor

Matilda Robinson

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Internships & Jobs & The Hard Reality of Modern Capitalism

    RSOs Announce New Early Decision Plans

    Niko Natheos / November 14, 2022
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Uh Oh! Frat Guy You Just Met Knows a Little Too Much About Title IX

    Anonymous / November 11, 2022
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Review: UChicago Student Bookstore’s New Chastity Belt

    Drew Peacock / November 10, 2022
    read more
  • Campus Life

    To Prevent Theft of Silverware, Dining Halls Implement Body Cavity Search

    Aidan Cessor / November 9, 2022
    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Op-Ed: Sharknado Was the Last Great Literary Achievement

    Alasdair Greenland / November 8, 2022
    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Rockefeller Chapel Bells Now Exclusively Play for When BeReal Notification Is Sent

    Andre Dang and 1 more / November 7, 2022
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Mansueto Finally Hatches

    Lentil Riggsby / November 4, 2022
    read more
  • Campus Life

    In Desperate Bid to Save Healthy Students, UChicago to Isolate the COVID Negative

    David Wang / November 3, 2022
    read more
  • Off-Campus Life

    Trader Joe’s Introduces New Pumpkin-Spiced Toilet Bowl Cleaner

    Lena Birkholz and 1 more / November 2, 2022
    read more
  • Campus Life

    How to Hold Your 58th Birthday in a Frat House Without Making It Sound Bad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 1, 2022
    read more
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