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Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion
"In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."
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Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve
Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.”
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Point: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away/ Counterpoint: So Does a Knife
I had to go again because of an accidental stab wound, and they even said I could “leave the premises immediately” when I took my knife out.
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University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”
This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.
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Buccaneers’ Tom Brady to Be Traded for a Man Who Will “Spend Some Goddamn Time With the Kids”
Brady was optimistic about his future with whichever woman he will surely end up with. “I feel confident that I can find another woman who won’t be so damn picky.”
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Op-Ed: I Can Definitely Beat You in a Fight
First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you’re on the ground, I will start punching and I won’t stop until my antipsychotics…
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Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”
Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.
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OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
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History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch
"If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."
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Thief Returns Android User’s Phone
Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student’s possessions.
