Campus Life

To Prevent Theft of Silverware, Dining Halls Implement Body Cavity Search

Starting Monday, all UChicago dining halls will implement a body cavity search procedure for every student leaving the building. Spokesperson Jacob Builderston announced, “Students and faculty have been stealing forks, spoons, and food from our dining facilities for far too long. The war-time rationing of silverware is no more.”

The Dealer asked several students about their thoughts on the policy right after they had been searched. Gwen Daniels, a second-year, said, “The cavity searches are annoying but at least I don’t have to shovel mac and cheese into my mouth with my hands” Jack Trenton, a first-year econ major, complained, “Not only is it very embarrassing, but the procedure takes up my whole lunch break. I’ve become a nudist for efficiency reasons.”

President Alivisatos announced at a press conference, ”We implemented this policy to protect our utensils. As a side benefit, we’re saving so much money on replacing lost silverware. Now, my giant mound of gold is even more fun to slide down.”

One downside to this program is that one dining hall worker was severely injured today after being impaled by 17 forks during a search. “I never knew you could fit that many 6-inch forks inside a prison pocket,” commented the survivor of this horrible accident.