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Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve
Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.”
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Point: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away/ Counterpoint: So Does a Knife
I had to go again because of an accidental stab wound, and they even said I could “leave the premises immediately” when I took my knife out.
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University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”
This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.
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Buccaneers’ Tom Brady to Be Traded for a Man Who Will “Spend Some Goddamn Time With the Kids”
Brady was optimistic about his future with whichever woman he will surely end up with. “I feel confident that I can find another woman who won’t be so damn picky.”
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Op-Ed: I Can Definitely Beat You in a Fight
First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you’re on the ground, I will start punching and I won’t stop until my antipsychotics…
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Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”
Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.
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OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
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History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch
"If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."
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Thief Returns Android User’s Phone
Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student’s possessions.
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Moses! Danny DeVito! Your Dad! What Are the Chances That These Iconic Men Will Get Into Fiji This Saturday Night?
Sanderson is to frat bros what Moses was to the Israelites. However, he’s not entering without first engaging the bouncer in a discussion on why taxation is socialism.
