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Masthead

Editor in Chief

Merrin Seegers

Managing Editor

Lena Birkholz

Deputy Managing Editors

Maisie Thompson

Jacob Halabe

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Aidan Jones

Andrea Zhou

 •

Deputy Layout Editors

Vangelis Psylos

Anu Vashist

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Sex and Love

    Self-Proclaimed World’s Tallest Man Just Matched with You on Tinder

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2023

    Disappointed friends reported Monday that you’ve probably hit the high point of your Tinder career and it’s all downhill from here.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Area Parents Contemplating Eighth Divorce

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 14, 2023

    The pending divorce proceedings are reportedly being handled by Looke, Hughes, Bach, and Egen, a Chicago-based law firm specializing in ‘high-numbered’ divorces.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Top Ten Most Romantic Days in February

    Barnabas Spunk / February 16, 2023

    My uncle Fred’s birthday is February 6.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Struggling in a Toxic Relationship? Try Being More Toxic

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 26, 2023

    We interviewed one of the RSO’s most active members, Jake Neebus, and asked him why he joined. “I like making my girlfriend cry,” said Neebus. “I like it a lot.”

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Point: I Can Fix Him/ Counterpoint: I Can Make Him Worse

    Pascal Knowles and 1 more / January 23, 2023

    Beneath his hard exterior and the many demeaning comments he makes about all my female friends, I can see a sensitive man who only occasionally tells me I’m worthless.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    How to Find True Love by Mansplaining Pool in Hallowed Grounds

    Kim Impossible / November 17, 2022

    Casually slip in the fact that you’re in Physics 12100 and begin to explain (in your sultriest voice possible) all about “ball collision theory,” “the sweet spot,” and “relative slipping analysis.” So sexy.

    read more

Read It and Weep

  • EPIC NEW FRESHMEN CHARTER NEW FRAT OMEGA OMEGA OMEGA
  • Chemistry Department Adds Shorthand Requirement to Make Time for Even Longer Pre-labs
  • Op-Ed: I Was Let Down By UChicago’s Frivolous Academic Attitude
  • Golden Retriever Boys Out, Indeterminate Terrier Mix Boys In Says New Poll
  • RH’s Dog Overwhelmed From the Weight of Every Student’s Mental Well-Being
  • University Initiates Book Drive for Local Elementary School
  • Disaster Strikes! Kid You Hate Still Goes Here
  • Classmates Who Voted Kevin McCarthy “Most Likely to Succeed” Express Chagrin
  • UCPD Arrests Peaceful Protesters: “The ‘Free Speech’ Thing Stops After 5:30”
  • 10 Things to Say When Someone Asks What You Did This Summer

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