World Affairs
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2016 Elections 2.0: This Time It’s Personal
“The people of America will determine once and for all whether I pleased Bubba the most,” Donald Trump said. “I talked to my good friend Putin and he told me, Donald, you give…
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ICE Deports Jesus Christ
Police reports confirmed that Jesús C. was deported to El Salvador yesterday, though the Dealer, after consulting library records dating back several thousand years, deduced that El Salvador is not the man’s home…
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In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
J.D. Vance admits that seeing Volodymyr Zelensky’s lashes triggered months of resentment, forcing him to repeatedly abandon his vice presidential duties to take lengthy vacations. But now, Vance is back—not to his position…
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Pete Hegseth Accidentally Challenges Houthis to Game of iMessage Cup Pong
In what a spokesman for the Department of Defense is calling, “a completely understandable and tactically secure wrong-number mix-up,” Hegseth reportedly attempted to challenge Secretary of State Marco Rubio to a friendly game…
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Donald Trump Comes Out as Serbian Nationalist, Returns Kosovo to Serbia within 15 Days
"It’s a beautiful city, the food is great, the women are great. My wife Melania once made me a pljeskavica, it was the greatest food I ever experienced. Since I was ten, my…
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World Leaders Pledge to Kill Last Black Rhino by 2030
The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. "We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck," said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. "Like, what's with…
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Helium Balloons Rise Due to Inflation
To investigate this phenomenon, the Dealer attempted to reach members of the University of Chicago’s Chemistry Department. Unfortunately, our correspondent fell into an eternal slumber under the fluorescent lights in Kent’s basement, so…
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Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”
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Divinity School Discovers New, ‘12% Holier’ God
Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness.
