“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”

Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness.

It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.

The study also identified your stupid ass as the cause of mass sea turtle death, every single wildfire in California, and the 2008 Recession.

“They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”

College Dean John Boyer is reportedly hard at work deciphering the bright pink spray paint on the side, which reads: “LULZ WHERES UR ENGINEERING SKL U JUST GOT PRANKT BRO".

Dear Leader Kim and Goalie-in-Chief Jong-Un scored the go-ahead goal, along with North Korea’s second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth goals.

"Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…