Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
The study also identified your stupid ass as the cause of mass sea turtle death, every single wildfire in California, and the 2008 Recession.
UChicago Startup Awarded Polsky Prize for ‘Best Middle-East Weapons Deal’
“They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”
Northwestern Spy Balloon Spotted over UChicago Campus
College Dean John Boyer is reportedly hard at work deciphering the bright pink spray paint on the side, which reads: “LULZ WHERES UR ENGINEERING SKL U JUST GOT PRANKT BRO".
North Korea Wins Unprecedented 18th World Cup
Dear Leader Kim and Goalie-in-Chief Jong-Un scored the go-ahead goal, along with North Korea’s second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth goals.
Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
"Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…
Op-Ed: I am an Etsy Seller and I Paid More in Taxes Than Donald Trump
For promotional purposes, I have chosen to identify myself by my Etsy account name, WorkFromHome123. The reason I have taken the time to write this piece is that I am absolutely irate that…
Field Report from the Egyptian Bureau
I spiral down over the wheat field. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. The parched fields below glow gold in the evening light while the Nile sparkles in the…
Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can’t Swim
By Breck Radulovic Dec. 5, 2018 Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read…