The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. "We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck," said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. "Like, what's with…

To investigate this phenomenon, the Dealer attempted to reach members of the University of Chicago’s Chemistry Department. Unfortunately, our correspondent fell into an eternal slumber under the fluorescent lights in Kent’s basement, so…

“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”

Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness.

It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.

The study also identified your stupid ass as the cause of mass sea turtle death, every single wildfire in California, and the 2008 Recession.

“They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”

College Dean John Boyer is reportedly hard at work deciphering the bright pink spray paint on the side, which reads: “LULZ WHERES UR ENGINEERING SKL U JUST GOT PRANKT BRO".