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Pete Hegseth Accidentally Challenges Houthis to Game of iMessage Cup Pong
In what a spokesman for the Department of Defense is calling, “a completely understandable and tactically secure wrong-number mix-up,” Hegseth reportedly attempted to challenge Secretary of State Marco Rubio to a friendly game…
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Elon Musk Singing Sad Songs, Playing Guitar Outside of Former Federal Employees’ Windows
Musk was seen standing outside the homes of former federal employees for hours, singing love songs such as “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis and “Please Help Me Run the Consumer…
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Trump Tells Obama He’s “Not Looking for Anything Serious” as Relationship Rumors Swirl
At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.
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Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago
2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…
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UChicago Announces Plans To Replace Campus Shuttles With Piggyback Rides
In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want…
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Guy at RSO Fair Uncomfortably Eager for You to Join His Club
First-years at the fair agreed that a club which appeared too desperate for new members was not an attractive prospect. “Whenever I see a club that’s too welcoming, I assume that they’re all…
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“Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer
“Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing…
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Earth as a Planet Students Accused of Cheating by Sharing Test Answers With the Moon
“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.
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Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer
Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!
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Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
