World Affairs

Northwestern Spy Balloon Spotted over UChicago Campus

HYDE PARK — A high-altitude weather balloon with surveillance equipment aboard was spotted over UChicago campus, University officials announced Monday. The balloon, which blew over campus in a southerly direction, was thought to be launched by bad actors from Northwestern University, said UChicago Associate Vice President for Safety & Security Eric M. Heath.

University officials were uncertain about Northwestern’s motivations for launching the balloon, though the Safety and Security office speculated that the Evanston school wanted “to observe the movement of our troops — I mean, UCPD corner officers.” College Dean John Boyer is reportedly hard at work deciphering the bright pink spray paint on the side, which reads: “LULZ WHERES UR ENGINEERING SKL U JUST GOT PRANKT BRO”.

Heath announced that in response, the University expects to launch its own weather balloon “purely for scientific purposes.” The zeppelin-sized balloon is expected to be big enough to eclipse not only Northwestern’s project but also “finally show those bastards at Harvard who’s boss.”