Dean of the College John Boyer has reported feeling excluded from the “it-crowd” of Ivy League provosts among gatherings of administrators at elite universities. Speaking to the Dealer in an exclusive interview, Boyer tearfully explained, “I try to sit with them at lunch but they’re always, like, so mean to me. I’ll go up to talk to them, and one of them will say, ‘University of Chicago? Is that a community college?’ and then they all start giggling.”
Boyer expressed bewilderment as to why he isn’t more accepted amongst the popular group of Ivy League deans: “We have old gothic buildings just like they do,” Boyer complained, “We have Nobel prize winning professors just like they do. You want to talk Ivy League? We have lots of ivy. Tons. Like, a ridiculous amount of ivy.”
When reached for comment, Dean of Harvard University Rakesh Khurana professed ignorance of Dean Boyer’s hurt feelings. Khurana explained, “What do you mean? We love Johnny. We just joke with him sometimes. Can’t he take a joke?” Exiting the interview, Khurana could be heard loudly making plans over the phone for a sleepover at Dean of Princeton College Jill Dolan’s house.
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a second year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]