-
Review: Locking Your Belt Closed With a Padlock (Then Forgetting Its Combination)
Before you ask, and I know you’re thinking it already, no this isn’t a sex thing. I mean, it’s about keeping your pants on, so it’s more like the opposite of a sex…
-
UChicago Admissions Requires That Applicants Shove Squirrels up Their Asses
“The requirement not only allows us to admit only the most dedicated students out there – it also will ensure incoming students are better adjusted to the difficulties they will undergo within our…
-
Five Ways to Avoid the Mysterious Wizard Who Wants to Turn You Into a Dove
It’s the quintessential UChicago experience: there’s a scary wizard staring at you from the topmost window of the I-House tower. He leaps out of the window and chases you across the quad on…
-
Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions
“We see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.”
-
Coming to Disney+ in 2027: The Unbelievable True Story of the Man Who Trained Birds to Sell Opioids
Disney+ has yet to release the series, but the Washington Post has already called it “unexpected” and “probably a financial disaster,” adding that “the line of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys containing actual opioids…
-
Op-Ed: Don’t You Know Who My Dad is?!
You reject moi from the Blue Chips?! I do your RSO a favor by gracing you with my presence, and this is how you repay me?
-
Allen Sanderson Becomes Sociologist by Light of Full Moon
As the full moon emerged, economics professor Allen R. Sanderson was seen declaring himself a sociologist on the quad for no explicable reason.
-
After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat
The new frat, officially named “PSI, no, not that one”, will begin recruiting in April in honor of Earth Day.
-
Wanna Feel Better About Politics? Donate to These 4 Inspirational Democrats Running in Districts They Have No Chance Whatsoever of Winning
Recent political developments got you down? Want to do something to help out? Here are four extremely qualified Democratic candidates for Congress that want your hard-earned money. Donate to ease your sorrows! They’re…
-
Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.
