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Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
"Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…
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Why is the Trolley Problem On My Econ P-Set, and What Did Y’all Get?
On the one hand, 40 minutes is a lot of time, time that could be spent improving the PowerPoint I’m gonna use to fire my unpaid intern Jenny.
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MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir
“I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…
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Breaking: Your New Student Government
The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…
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Sexy Jesus & Apoptles Rumble Time!!!
Editor’s note: The Shady Dealer found this written on a piece of butcher paper in a trash can outside the divinity school. Please direct any complaints towards the original author. AUTHORS NOTE: This…
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Four Complaints I Would Have About UChi-Con – If I Went, Which I Definitely Didn’t
The UChicago anime club held its annual anime convention last Saturday in Ida Noyes. To be clear, I didn’t know about this until I heard about it from a couple of weebs in…
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Op-Ed from an Autistic Person: Why I Am Elated That I No Longer Have to Practice Masking
As you, the reader, are no doubt aware, the University lifted mandates on the practice of masking on our campus this week. Masking, defined by psychologists, is a social technique employed by autistic…
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How to Ride a Llama
Find a llama. Choose a llama that is appropriate for you based on height and weight. Make sure the llama has a reputation for being friendly and cooperative. Mount your llama. If…
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Student Swears She’s Not a Bad Person, Just Busy and Tired
Suzanne Walker, a third-year, was discovered by the Shady Dealer investigative team to be “actually a very sweet person,” despite having been pronounced a “flaky antisocial gunner” by her ex-friend Kathlyn Graeber. According…
