Campus Life

Five Ways to Avoid the Mysterious Wizard Who Wants to Turn You Into a Dove

It’s the quintessential UChicago experience: there’s a scary wizard staring at you from the topmost window of the I-House tower. Your heart fills with dread, and just before you register the glint in his eyes, he leaps out of the window and chases you across the quad on his flying broomstick, casting spells to turn you into a dove. Tuesdays, am I right? Here are five ways to avoid the wizard the next time you see him coming:

Cleverly use his backstory against him

Barnabus the Bagpiper – that’s the wizard’s name, by the way – has been through some shit. For example, every time he sees a hamburger on a stick, he has a traumatic flashback to the time when his evil stepmother forced him to kebab several hundred hamburger patties for her wedding to the wizard’s father (whom she had trapped with a love spell.) Subtly bring this up and he’ll start crying too hard to balance on his broomstick.

Just run, like really fast

‘Nuff said.

Turn yourself into a dove before he can

To be honest, being a dove seems like it’d be pretty dope. You get to fly around a lot, and no one’s allowed to get mad at you if you poop on their head. There’s no reason to give Barnabus the satisfaction of turning you into one, though, when you could do it yourself. 

The Martian

More than anything, Barnabus hates this 2015 Matt Damon / Ridley Scott science fiction film with the burning passion of a million suns. To avoid him, simply fill your backpack with dozens of copies of the film that called “predictable.” DVD, Blu-Ray, torrents on a USB stick, it doesn’t matter. Barnabus the Bagpiper always knows when The Martian is involved. If you’re running low on copies of The Martian, feel free to buy a few extras through our affiliate link.

Threaten to tell his ex-wife that he’s violating the bounds of their custody agreement

Barnabus loves his children, and though his marriage might have imploded, he still treasures the odd Sunday when his ex-wife lets him into the house. Here’s the kicker: the high court of mages ruled that he’d only be allowed visitation rights if he stopped using his powers to harm children, and you’re short enough to pretend to be under 18. Exploit his legal troubles! Threaten to call his ex-wife. For bonus points, print out a picture of his son and wear it as a mask so he’s confronted with the enormity of his actions.

Good luck!

+ posts

Editor-in-Chief, 2022-23

+ posts

Editor-in-Chief, 2022-23