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Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn
I know that we can all rest our hopes in Kamala and Joe. But, I also know I still struggle with pornography addiction.
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In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue
November 3rd, 2020 has been a historic day for many reasons, not least because of a historic break with conventional election wisdom. For the first time since 1976, Texas has voted blue. A Pew Research Poll conducted this week found that 52% of Texans now consider “Cool Blue” their favorite Gatorade flavor, up from only 43% in 2016. This represents a dramatic shift from previous elections, in which the clear favorite has generally been “Fruit Punch.”
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Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?
You miscreants, you fucking econ majors -- you haven’t fucking voted yet have you. I bet you dick breathed, ass brained nut-rags haven’t even looked up your polling places. You disgust me.
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CANDIDATE Wins Presidency
The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.
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I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt
It has often been said that this election will be the most consequential of our lifetimes, so it is of utmost importance that we motivate voters to stay engaged. After all, it is our civic duty to be actively involved in the democratic process, and our gift bags must reflect this fact. So far I've voted 8 times, and I don't plan to stop just yet. However regrettably, in return for my outstanding efforts I’ve received nothing more than a mediocre t shirt (small).
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Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65
With just a few days left before election day, the presidential race has entered its final hours. And facing a steep deficit in many national and key state polls, the Trump campaign has chosen to change absolutely nothing about how they have campaigned up to this point. In a stunning twist that has shocked pundits, Trump has, against all previous understandings of his personality and demeanor, refused to change anything about how he conducts himself and continued to blame literally anything except himself. The object of his rambling ire this week? Not Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer, nor Dr. Anthony Fauci, or even reason itself—but instead, according to a statement…
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6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important
If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a human, cursed with the ability to comprehend phrases like “electoral college” or “voter suppression.” Here are six cute dogs who, unlike you, don’t have to pay attention to politics during its most stressful month in recent memory.
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Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Attend Hearings Without Ceremonial Mace of President George Washington Present in the Room
Republicans’ efforts to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court with Judge Amy Coney Barrett encountered an unexpected snag recently, as Judge Barrett announced her refusal to attend the confirmation hearings. Judge Barrett’s justification for her absence was even more unusual: she declared that the Senate did not have authority to examine her nomination without the ceremonial mace of President George Washington present in the room.
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Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad
Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be isolated until at least 10 days have passed since symptoms appeared and at least 24 hours have passed since the resolution of fever without the use of fever-reducing medications and improvement of other symptoms. For undergraduates living in University residence halls who test positive, the University has identified isolation spaces where they can recover if they have symptoms, and where there is a low risk of exposing others. A space being prepared for this potential use is…
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Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP
SCRANTON, PA – In a historic, bizarre, and unprecedented move, Joe Biden announced today that he had selected himself as the Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Biden also announced that Kamala Harris would replace him as the Democratic nominee for President. Harris, a pragmatic moderate who spent most of her early career as a prosecutor, tweeted that she was “honored” to be the first woman with a secure email server to be nominated for the Presidency by a major party. Biden, who made the announcement from a moving Amtrak train passing through Scranton, Pennsylvania, said “I look forward to doing what it takes to make Kamala Harris our next Commander-in-Chief.” Many of…
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