• Politics

    Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

    At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving Chicago and going straight to hell, baby!” The visibly gleeful Emanuel thanked the City Council for their cooperation as he finally relinquishes the ironclad grip he’s had on Chicago’s political machine for the past eight years. “It will fill my eyes with tears to leave a job I love, but it’s time for me to start a new chapter. And that new chapter is in Hell.” Emanuel proposed several initiatives that he would like to see implemented…

  • Politics

    Mitt Romney Still Cries Self to Sleep at Night

      By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 The 2012 election haunts many of us, but no one more so than former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney. Tormented by his loss to President Barack Obama, Mr. Romney reportedly cries himself to sleep at least 47% of nights. Mr. Romney told the Shady Dealer, “Back in 2012, I could never have imagined that I would one day be racked by sobs as I flip through binders full of embarrassing and down-right revolting mistakes I’ve made. Now, that’s the grim reality I live in.” For the former Republican nominee, this has been a learning experience, yet Mr. Romney finds it hard to bear…

  • Politics

    Jeb Bush Suspends Campaign to Become Inflatable Man outside Car Dealership

      By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 Former Florida Governor John Ellis “Jeb” Bush has announced he plans to droppped out of the race for the presidency after weak performances in early primaries. When asked about his plans following the end of his campaign, Mr. Bush declared his intention to seek employment as an Inflatable Breezy Geezer. Also known as Sky Guys, the air-filled nylon tubes imitate a dancing man and are often used to advertise businesses such as discount furniture stores, used car dealerships, and struggling wholesale mattress suppliers. Bush will be the first former governor of a US state to pursue the profession. At a press conference, Mr.…

  • Politics

    What are Your Favorite Presidential Candidates Doing Over Winter Break?

    By Breck Radulovic Nov. 19, 2015 10. This holiday season, Jeb Bush will avoid appearing in any family photos. 9. In a break from Trump family tradition, the Donald will give Christmas presents to his children for the first time in their lives. 8. Carly Fiorina will hide from the elves she laid off while CEO of Santa’s workshop in 2011. 7. Rand Paul will keep the Senate hostage over the entire Christmas recess with a Grinch Who Stole Christmas-themed filibuster. 6. In an appeal to the Christian Right, Ben Carson will claim that Planned Parenthood would have aborted the baby Jesus. 5½. Following the demise of his presidential campaign,…