SCRANTON, PA – In a historic, bizarre, and unprecedented move, Joe Biden announced today that he had selected himself as the Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Biden also announced that Kamala Harris would replace him as the Democratic nominee for President.  Harris, a pragmatic moderate who spent most of her early career as a prosecutor, tweeted that she was “honored” to be the first woman with a secure email server to be nominated for the Presidency by a major party.  Biden, who made the announcement from a moving Amtrak train passing through Scranton, Pennsylvania, said “I look forward to doing what it takes to make Kamala Harris our next Commander-in-Chief.” Many of…

At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving Chicago and going straight to hell, baby!” The visibly gleeful Emanuel thanked the City Council for their cooperation as he finally relinquishes the ironclad grip he’s had on Chicago’s political machine for the past eight years. “It will fill my eyes with tears to leave a job I love, but it’s time for me to start a new chapter. And that new chapter is in Hell.” Emanuel proposed several initiatives that he would like to see implemented…

  By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 Former Florida Governor John Ellis “Jeb” Bush has announced he plans to droppped out of the race for the presidency after weak performances in early primaries. When asked about his plans following the end of his campaign, Mr. Bush declared his intention to seek employment as an Inflatable Breezy Geezer. Also known as Sky Guys, the air-filled nylon tubes imitate a dancing man and are often used to advertise businesses such as discount furniture stores, used car dealerships, and struggling wholesale mattress suppliers. Bush will be the first former governor of a US state to pursue the profession. At a press conference, Mr.…