Politics
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Trump Vows War to Last No More than 6 Weeks/5 Minutes/17 Years
“This is gonna be over so fast, you’re not even gonna believe it,” Trump told a gaggle of reporters. “This is gonna be—look, in six weeks, this is gonna be done. History. OK?…
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President Trump Declared Dead after Not Posting on Truth Social for 5 Seconds
After President Trump disappeared from TruthSocial for five seconds, the White House received no less than two million emails requesting confirmation of President Trump's well-being. White House correspondents told the the Dealer that…
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Viktor Orbán Wins Bid for USG President
Launching his bid two weeks ago, Orbán decided to run, citing the near non-existent turnout in previous USG elections. “After realizing that when a lot of people voted, I would lose, I realized…
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Trump organizes GoFundMe to buy Greenland
If Denmark refuses to sell its territory, the funds may be used to purchase enough votes of Greenlanders to force them to sell. Details about the last part are unclear (given the decision…
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Heartwarming: SGFC Gives RSO $7.49 for Trip to Washington, D.C.
“We’d already tried a bake sale, a hot cocoa sale, a silent auction,” Poynting said. “We even sold tickets to our debate on energy policy! But we just weren’t raising money.” As a…
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2016 Elections 2.0: This Time It’s Personal
“The people of America will determine once and for all whether I pleased Bubba the most,” Donald Trump said. “I talked to my good friend Putin and he told me, Donald, you give…
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Trump invokes presidential immunity after 7-Eleven shoplifting incident
“The president must be able to act on behalf of the American people without worrying about some woke, corrupt prosecutor dragging him into court to haggle over the commercial policies of this or…
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Candace Owens Claims Ghost of Christmas Past was Charlie Kirk the Whole Time
Owens claims Kirk took her through the formative moments of her childhood, including the first time she “curb stomped the hoo-hah” out of a transgender classmate at eight and her first kiss with…
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ICE Deports Jesus Christ
Police reports confirmed that Jesús C. was deported to El Salvador yesterday, though the Dealer, after consulting library records dating back several thousand years, deduced that El Salvador is not the man’s home…
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Help! My Roommate Thinks Anthony Bourdain and Jeffery Epstein Are the Same Person
I tried to explain that Anthony Bourdain was, in fact, a chef and writer who was featured on television many times for things unrelated to sex trafficking. Idee nodded politely, the way you…
