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The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Deblina Mukherjee

Diego Matamoros

Managing Editor

Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Layout Editor

Christian Villanueva

Copy Editors

Harry Weinstein

Rahul Gupta

Photo Editor

R.E. Stern

Social Secretary

Kate Kaplin

Director of Special Projects

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Politics

    Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn

    November 14, 2020 /

    I know that we can all rest our hopes in Kamala and Joe. But, I also know I still struggle with pornography addiction.

    read more
    Mike 0 Comments

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    In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue

    November 6, 2020

    I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt

    November 3, 2020

    Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

    August 12, 2020
  • Politics

    In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue

    November 6, 2020 /

    November 3rd, 2020 has been a historic day for many reasons, not least because of a historic break with conventional election wisdom. For the first time since 1976, Texas has voted blue. A Pew Research Poll conducted this week found that 52% of Texans now consider “Cool Blue” their favorite Gatorade flavor, up from only 43% in 2016. This represents a dramatic shift from previous elections, in which the clear favorite has generally been “Fruit Punch.”

    read more
    Gate Silver 0 Comments

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    Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

    November 2, 2020

    Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?

    November 3, 2020

    6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important

    November 2, 2020
  • Politics

    Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?

    November 3, 2020 /

    You miscreants, you fucking econ majors --  you haven’t fucking voted yet have you. I bet you dick breathed, ass brained nut-rags haven’t even looked up your polling places. You disgust me.

    read more
    David Axelrod 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

    November 2, 2020

    In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue

    November 6, 2020

    Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

    August 12, 2020
  • Politics

    CANDIDATE Wins Presidency

    November 3, 2020 /

    The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.

    read more
    Chicago Shady Dealer 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

    November 2, 2020

    Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

    August 12, 2020

    Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn

    November 14, 2020
  • Politics

    I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt

    November 3, 2020 /

    It has often been said that this election will be the most consequential of our lifetimes, so it is of utmost importance that we motivate voters to stay engaged. After all, it is our civic duty to be actively involved in the democratic process, and our gift bags must reflect this fact. So far I've voted 8 times, and I don't plan to stop just yet. However regrettably, in return for my outstanding efforts I’ve received nothing more than a mediocre t shirt (small).

    read more
    Isaac Murrell 0 Comments

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    6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important

    November 2, 2020

    Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?

    November 3, 2020

    In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue

    November 6, 2020
  • Politics

    Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

    November 2, 2020 /

    With just a few days left before election day, the presidential race has entered its final hours. And facing a steep deficit in many national and key state polls, the Trump campaign has chosen to change absolutely nothing about how they have campaigned up to this point. In a stunning twist that has shocked pundits, Trump has, against all previous understandings of his personality and demeanor, refused to change anything about how he conducts himself and continued to blame literally anything except himself.  The object of his rambling ire this week? Not Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer, nor Dr. Anthony Fauci, or even reason itself—but instead, according to a statement…

    read more
    Trae Falgar-Crostabbs 0 Comments

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    Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

    September 16, 2018

    Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

    August 12, 2020

    Jeb Bush Suspends Campaign to Become Inflatable Man outside Car Dealership

    March 16, 2013
  • Politics

    6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important

    November 2, 2020 /

    If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a human, cursed with the ability to comprehend phrases like “electoral college” or “voter suppression.” Here are six cute dogs who, unlike you, don’t have to pay attention to politics during its most stressful month in recent memory.

    read more
    R.E. Stern 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    Jeb Bush Suspends Campaign to Become Inflatable Man outside Car Dealership

    March 16, 2013

    I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt

    November 3, 2020

    In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue

    November 6, 2020
  • Politics

    Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Attend Hearings Without Ceremonial Mace of President George Washington Present in the Room

    October 18, 2020 /

    Republicans’ efforts to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court with Judge Amy Coney Barrett encountered an unexpected snag recently, as Judge Barrett announced her refusal to attend the confirmation hearings. Judge Barrett’s justification for her absence was even more unusual: she declared that the Senate did not have authority to examine her nomination without the ceremonial mace of President George Washington present in the room.

    read more
    Rahul Gupta 0 Comments

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    Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn

    November 14, 2020

    Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

    September 16, 2018

    I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt

    November 3, 2020
  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad

    September 9, 2020 /

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be isolated until at least 10 days have passed since symptoms appeared and at least 24 hours have passed since the resolution of fever without the use of fever-reducing medications and improvement of other symptoms. For undergraduates living in University residence halls who test positive, the University has identified isolation spaces where they can recover if they have symptoms, and where there is a low risk of exposing others. A space being prepared for this potential use is…

    read more
    University of Chicago Administration 0 Comments

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    UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick

    May 29, 2019

    Zoom Host Drunk with Power

    October 19, 2020

    Top 7 Things In My Room I Haven’t Made Beautiful Love To

    January 25, 2021
  • Politics

    Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

    August 12, 2020 /

    SCRANTON, PA – In a historic, bizarre, and unprecedented move, Joe Biden announced today that he had selected himself as the Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Biden also announced that Kamala Harris would replace him as the Democratic nominee for President.  Harris, a pragmatic moderate who spent most of her early career as a prosecutor, tweeted that she was “honored” to be the first woman with a secure email server to be nominated for the Presidency by a major party.  Biden, who made the announcement from a moving Amtrak train passing through Scranton, Pennsylvania, said “I look forward to doing what it takes to make Kamala Harris our next Commander-in-Chief.” Many of…

    read more
    R.E. Stern 0 Comments

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    6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important

    November 2, 2020

    Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

    November 2, 2020

    Jeb Bush Suspends Campaign to Become Inflatable Man outside Car Dealership

    March 16, 2013
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Chicago Shady Dealer

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