-
Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
Musk unveiled the ninjas during a ceremony on Thursday, during which he dramatically ripped back a curtain to showcase an empty stage, which he implied was actually filled completely with ninjas trained in…
-
America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
Following the announcement, Trump immediately lifted the travel ban on North Korea, and signed an executive order renaming it “Best Korea.”
-
Supreme Court Overturns Measles Vaccine v. Measles
"Writing for the Court’s conservative majority in Super Measles v. Measles Vaccine, Chief Justice John Roberts said 'it is the opinion of this court that despite persuasive arguments by the Measles Vaccine, we…
-
Elon Musk Singing Sad Songs, Playing Guitar Outside of Former Federal Employees’ Windows
Musk was seen standing outside the homes of former federal employees for hours, singing love songs such as “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis and “Please Help Me Run the Consumer…
-
After Seeing Trump’s Shitshow, Democrats Attempt to Resurrect Jimmy Carter for 2028
"The results of this past election clearly indicate that Americans want a really old white dude to be their president. We won in 2020 with Joe Biden, who’s like the third oldest boy of…
-
Dog Couple Discuss Getting Neutered in Light of Political Climate
“Bitches like me are at a high risk for pyometra,” says five-year-old Lola-Bear, a yellow lab, “and following recent decisions made by the federal government, I don’t trust that doctors will prioritize my…
-
RFK Jr. Declares That Snow Can Cause ADHD
According to new directives, parents can help keep their children healthy by melting all the snow outside of their homes first thing in the morning and wrapping their kids in tin foil whenever…
-
Trump in Talks to Buy Atlantis from Aquaman
“Arthur Curry, we call him ‘puny fish-man.’ What a loser! Your tremendous President is here to make a promise: once we have bought it, Atlantis shall be named ‘America in Water.’ America in…
-
Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Directing Economy to Be “Good” Instead of “Bad”
The other executive orders signed today include a variety of measures that Donald Trump has been hoping to enact for a long time, including Executive Order 14185: “Bring us more jobs”, and Executive…
-
RFK Jr. Launches Promotional Tour for Polio: “It’s Really Not That Bad!”
"Polio shouldn’t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.”
