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White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
In response to the rumors, President Donald Trump tweeted: “Vance is FINE! We threw some Trump Holy Water™ on him. Trump Holy Water™ is on sale now! 10% off with a special code…
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Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
"Our argument was full of gotchas and strawmen and random factoids that could plausibly be traced to some website or social media post we looked at. There were no contentions, structure, rebuttals, or…
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Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is.
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Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
“I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more!" Governor Cox announced.
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Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
“In keeping with the President’s wishes for us, we have also decided that Roberto Clemente Day will no longer be celebrated,” the statement continued.
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JD Vance Chased By Pitchfork-Wielding Mob for Three Weeks Before White House Comments
The Dealer was witness to the tail end of the chase, which came to a stop when Vance finally managed to contact the White House, who had previously placed his call on hold.
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Pete Hegseth Accidentally Challenges Houthis to Game of iMessage Cup Pong
In what a spokesman for the Department of Defense is calling, “a completely understandable and tactically secure wrong-number mix-up,” Hegseth reportedly attempted to challenge Secretary of State Marco Rubio to a friendly game…
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Donald Trump Comes Out as Serbian Nationalist, Returns Kosovo to Serbia within 15 Days
"It’s a beautiful city, the food is great, the women are great. My wife Melania once made me a pljeskavica, it was the greatest food I ever experienced. Since I was ten, my…
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Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
Musk unveiled the ninjas during a ceremony on Thursday, during which he dramatically ripped back a curtain to showcase an empty stage, which he implied was actually filled completely with ninjas trained in…
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America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
Following the announcement, Trump immediately lifted the travel ban on North Korea, and signed an executive order renaming it “Best Korea.”
