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IOP Announces New Fellow, Former Governor Andrew Cuomo
The Institute of Politics at the University of Chicago has announced that former governor of New York Andrew Cuomo will join the Institute as a fellow for the 2021-22 academic year. In an official statement from the University, Cuomo was said to have accepted the offer immediately — one second after asking the caller what the IOP was. Seen as a real catch by many IOP staffers, Cuomo is one of many high profile politicians to enter the fellowship, joining the ranks of Steve Bannon, Mikhail Gorbachev, and a George Bush Sr. impersonator who is rumored to be in contract negotiations. The IOP has seen a dip in campus popularity…
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Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn
I know that we can all rest our hopes in Kamala and Joe. But, I also know I still struggle with pornography addiction.
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In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue
November 3rd, 2020 has been a historic day for many reasons, not least because of a historic break with conventional election wisdom. For the first time since 1976, Texas has voted blue. A Pew Research Poll conducted this week found that 52% of Texans now consider “Cool Blue” their favorite Gatorade flavor, up from only 43% in 2016. This represents a dramatic shift from previous elections, in which the clear favorite has generally been “Fruit Punch.”
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Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?
You miscreants, you fucking econ majors -- you haven’t fucking voted yet have you. I bet you dick breathed, ass brained nut-rags haven’t even looked up your polling places. You disgust me.
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CANDIDATE Wins Presidency
The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.
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I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt
It has often been said that this election will be the most consequential of our lifetimes, so it is of utmost importance that we motivate voters to stay engaged. After all, it is our civic duty to be actively involved in the democratic process, and our gift bags must reflect this fact. So far I've voted 8 times, and I don't plan to stop just yet. However regrettably, in return for my outstanding efforts I’ve received nothing more than a mediocre t shirt (small).
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Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65
With just a few days left before election day, the presidential race has entered its final hours. And facing a steep deficit in many national and key state polls, the Trump campaign has chosen to change absolutely nothing about how they have campaigned up to this point. In a stunning twist that has shocked pundits, Trump has, against all previous understandings of his personality and demeanor, refused to change anything about how he conducts himself and continued to blame literally anything except himself. The object of his rambling ire this week? Not Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer, nor Dr. Anthony Fauci, or even reason itself—but instead, according to a statement…
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6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important
If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a human, cursed with the ability to comprehend phrases like “electoral college” or “voter suppression.” Here are six cute dogs who, unlike you, don’t have to pay attention to politics during its most stressful month in recent memory.
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Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Attend Hearings Without Ceremonial Mace of President George Washington Present in the Room
Republicans’ efforts to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court with Judge Amy Coney Barrett encountered an unexpected snag recently, as Judge Barrett announced her refusal to attend the confirmation hearings. Judge Barrett’s justification for her absence was even more unusual: she declared that the Senate did not have authority to examine her nomination without the ceremonial mace of President George Washington present in the room.
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Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad
Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be isolated until at least 10 days have passed since symptoms appeared and at least 24 hours have passed since the resolution of fever without the use of fever-reducing medications and improvement of other symptoms. For undergraduates living in University residence halls who test positive, the University has identified isolation spaces where they can recover if they have symptoms, and where there is a low risk of exposing others. A space being prepared for this potential use is…
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