Lifestyle
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We Should Do This Thing, Says Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It
Unfortunately, Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It failed to consider the existence of the concepts of nuance or logistics. Although his idea seems like a sensible opinion that could theoretically keep cars…
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Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through…
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Top 5 Things Making a Comeback in 2026
Measles - The rash is in! Coming soon to a local child near you (now complete with Nicole Kidman-style intro!)
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“Never Heard of That Movie”: The Top 5 Things You Say When the Oscars Are On
Everyone would agree that the Oscars are definitely an efficient event. Absolutely no bloating whatsoever. And while the Academy promises to limit speakers’ speech time… there’s always that one guy who can’t shut…
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Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
They must be ignoring you. How else could they miss your second peek? Time to escalate. Drum your pencil on your notebook a little. Give them a taste of the pain they’re inflicting…
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University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
Students enrolled in the PMECP can expect the same, if not greater, academic rigor in the afterlife as on the material plane. This will involve weekly problem sets, midterms, language requirements (all students…
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Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
Oh, you sweet summer child (well, frost-bitten husk drifting from Bartlett to the Reg like everyone else). You came here from California expecting what, exactly? A light breeze? A brisk 50 degrees?
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Join Singe
Dearest UChicago student, are you feeling single this Valentine’s Day? Well, never fear. We are here to help. Toss out Tinder and Hinge, and join Big Tech’s newest brainchild: Singe, the college dating…
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Wet Socks Make Students More Productive, Says Designer of the Sidewalk Outside Cobb Hall
The underground reservoir also channels a significant amount of toxic gas into Cobb Café. The water that pools in front of Cobb Hall forms a secret elixir, which once deposited on socks creates…
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Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
Being in a situationship is so much easier when they’re not a good person. Sharon literally fosters rescued monitor lizards, and she lets me pet them. Apparently it’s “good for their socialization.” They’re…
