Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions

WASHINGTON, DC – After the latest session of Congress, representatives announced a new plan to invest in renewable energy by preparing the next generation of biomass to eventually become fossil fuels. “We’re excited to have been able to sit down at the bargaining table and come up with something that we’re all really proud of,” claimed Congressman Matt Gaetz (FL-R), going on to explain that “we see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.” Marjorie Taylor Green (GA-R) expressed a similar level of enthusiasm about the new project: “some people may not be on board yet, but you just need to look at the data. One giraffe, once we bury it for thousands of years, could provide enough petroleum for a ride-on lawnmower for 25-30 hours. A squirrel could provide enough electricity to power a TV for two episodes of Two and a Half Men, including commercials. That, to me, is a win.” Leftists demonstrated more concern; one congressman, who chose to remain anonymous, though elated to have shown bipartisanship on the drafting of the bill, was unsure of how quickly the extinction curves of the remaining megafauna could be brought to zero. Even still, he showed some optimism, adding, “I’m sure that with technological advances we can get where we need to be. I’m just happy to have done my piece, and we can wait for NASA and Raytheon to do theirs.”

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Editor-in-Chief, 2021-22