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Masthead

Editor in Chief

Merrin Seegers

Managing Editor

Lena Birkholz

Deputy Managing Editors

Maisie Thompson

Jacob Halabe

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Aidan Jones

Andrea Zhou

 •

Deputy Layout Editors

Vangelis Psylos

Anu Vashist

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions

    Christian Villanueva / August 22, 2022

    “We see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.”

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Coming to Disney+ in 2027: The Unbelievable True Story of the Man Who Trained Birds to Sell Opioids

    Christian Villanueva / August 19, 2022

    Disney+ has yet to release the series, but the Washington Post has already called it “unexpected” and “probably a financial disaster,” adding that “the line of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys containing actual opioids…

    read more
  • World Affairs

    Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama

    Christian Villanueva / August 5, 2022

    "Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Breaking: Your New Student Government

    Christian Villanueva / April 25, 2022

    The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Night Owls: Will It Be Cold This Winter?

    Christian Villanueva / February 15, 2022

    In exclusive, never before seen footage, the Dealer sits down with Agnes Callard to discuss whether or not we can expect it to be cold this Winter, among other things.    

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Data Driven Analysis of the Most Likely Wars Dean Boyer Will Liken to Getting into the University of Chicago at Convocation

    Christian Villanueva / September 24, 2021

    It’s that time of the year again: back to school sales are starting, temperatures are cooling, and college students across the country are preparing to return to campus for what they hope may…

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Op-Ed: Does Anyone Have Any Tips or Tricks?

    Christian Villanueva / November 8, 2020

    Hey guys, just wondering if anyone had a tip or trick I could use. Could be both (a tip and trick), but certainly not neither. I read the other day that you can…

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Top 10 Things Economists Think the Economy Is

    Christian Villanueva / November 4, 2020

    Recent reports have found that most economists believe that the economy will recover quite strongly following the world-ending novel coronavirus. While this sounds like good news, it should also be mentioned that these…

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  • Historical Issue

    Romans So White They Only Salted Carthage

    Christian Villanueva / February 6, 2019

    CARTHAGE, CARTHAGINIAN EMPIRE, 146 BC – Romans have finally conquered the city of Carthage in North Africa following a siege lasting over two years. Although a peace treaty was signed between the two…

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Read It and Weep

  • France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
  • Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
  • Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
  • Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
  • Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
  • Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
  • Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
  • A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
  • Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
  • Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus

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