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Letter: There’s Always Winter Quarter
To the Class of 2024: We know this isn’t how you wanted your time in college to start. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type. COVID-19, of course, has made all of that impossible. Frankly, you should have known that a school with a phoenix in its seal…
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Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP
SCRANTON, PA – In a historic, bizarre, and unprecedented move, Joe Biden announced today that he had selected himself as the Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Biden also announced that Kamala Harris would replace him as the Democratic nominee for President. Harris, a pragmatic moderate who spent most of her early career as a prosecutor, tweeted that she was “honored” to be the first woman with a secure email server to be nominated for the Presidency by a major party. Biden, who made the announcement from a moving Amtrak train passing through Scranton, Pennsylvania, said “I look forward to doing what it takes to make Kamala Harris our next Commander-in-Chief.” Many of…
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Dealer Music Review: “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”
What happens when a girl loves America’s pastime so much she insists that all of her dates be at sporting events? Lyricist Jack Norwood and composer Albert Von Tisler give us the answer in their acclaimed single “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” (now available on iTunes for $0.99). The song is a catchy and upbeat earworm that is sure to make its way into your head, if not onto the Billboard charts, pretty soon. Granted, the single is pretty short — barely two minutes long — but that’s no reason it can’t compete for airtime with the likes of Taylor Swift or Billie Eilish. Norwood and Von Tisler,…
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Op-Ed: This New Provost Will Fix Everything!
UChicago students, rejoice! Our university-wide nightmare is over. For too long, we’ve been plagued by an administration that is clearly more concerned with their bottom line than with our academic and emotional well-being. But the recent change of leadership in the provost’s office will put this to an end. Ka Yee C. Lee, who was announced in February as the replacement for outgoing provost Daniel Diermaier, will fix everything that’s broken with the administration, guaranteed. I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype. From the very first words in her introductory email to the student body…
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With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
CHICAGO, IL – Representatives for the Shady Dealer announced today that, despite the University of Chicago’s move towards online classes, the paper would keep publishing, albeit in a different format. Effective immediately, new issues of the Dealer will be distributed by fax. “With the University moving classes to Zoom, we figured it was finally time to embrace modern technology,” noted the paper’s editors in a statement released Friday. “The coronavirus crisis has forced us to think creatively about how we distribute our issues, and we think we’ve hit upon a solution that will finally bring the Shady Dealer into the 20th century.” Among other factors, the Dealer touted convenience as…
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Where Does One Go for a Good Time Wednesday Evening?
UChicago has made great steps toward shedding its “where fun goes to die” reputation. So why is it that I still can’t find anything exciting to do on Wednesday nights? I know what you’re thinking: “plenty of fun happens, especially on Wednesday nights. If you can’t find something, it’s probably because you have no social life.” If that is the case, reader, then I regret to inform you that I do indeed have a friend. Her name is Jessica, and she’s my RA. Shame on you for asking. The problem is that on Wednesday nights, Jessica and my other acquaintances seem to disappear. Nobody is left on campus to study…
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Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year
“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!” That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch, the most effective matchmaking experiment since Bachelor in Paradise, has returned—this time with more insightful questions, and what the press is calling “an insurmountable amount of hype.” For over a year, we have worked tirelessly to present this 25 question quiz designed to help you to find your soulmate or BFF. The history of Datamatch at the University of Chicago is a long and noble one, going all the way back to February 2019. Harvard called, and…
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How to Get Enough Participation Points to Pass Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving break is upon us, but that doesn’t mean the pressure is off. Here are five great ways to ensure that your participation grade for Thanksgiving dinner is an excellent one: Ask questions and create controversy Making memorable contributions to your family Thanksgiving dinner is more important than making constructive contributions, so don’t be afraid to stir the pot a little bit! Ask the questions that will liven up your discussion: why wasn’t the turkey as good this year as it usually is? Immigrants: good or bad? At 1AM, when your family finishes arguing, nobody will remember how often you spoke, only that you asked questions that prompted a lively and…
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