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Move-in-Day Drama: First Year Embarrassed to Have Parents
“I don’t need them, I’m perfectly sufficient on my own,” Tyler said, while drinking a can of Monster Energy Assault™ and eating dry instant ramen.
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House Movie Night Just Sex Scene from Mulholland Drive
“I like to think that Behar house has always appreciated the highest class of film, and as such, we wanted to pick something that would engage our residents."
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New “germinAte” Startup Empowers Students to Buy & Sell Grades
“This is a good thing for inequality. It’s actually redistributing wealth... We’re like the modern-day Marx and Engels.”
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Rating the Old, White Men I’ve Read in SOSC Based on Their Abilities to Make a Woman Orgasm
"My vagina is not the Leviathan; stop trying to take up the sword against my clitoris. Trust me, that’s not how you do it. "
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Local Business Spotlight: Looking for a Cheap Coat? This Entrepreneur Has a Large Selection That Is Definitely Not Stolen from Alpha Delt
“I swear, this is my coat. I remember it got bleach all over it at the last party, but for some reason the tag is removed? Who knows though? I liked the coat…
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Review: Locking Your Belt Closed With a Padlock (Then Forgetting Its Combination)
Before you ask, and I know you’re thinking it already, no this isn’t a sex thing. I mean, it’s about keeping your pants on, so it’s more like the opposite of a sex…
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UChicago Admissions Requires That Applicants Shove Squirrels up Their Asses
“The requirement not only allows us to admit only the most dedicated students out there – it also will ensure incoming students are better adjusted to the difficulties they will undergo within our…
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Five Ways to Avoid the Mysterious Wizard Who Wants to Turn You Into a Dove
It’s the quintessential UChicago experience: there’s a scary wizard staring at you from the topmost window of the I-House tower. He leaps out of the window and chases you across the quad on…
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Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions
“We see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.”
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Coming to Disney+ in 2027: The Unbelievable True Story of the Man Who Trained Birds to Sell Opioids
Disney+ has yet to release the series, but the Washington Post has already called it “unexpected” and “probably a financial disaster,” adding that “the line of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys containing actual opioids…
