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Powerful! New USG Administration to Spend 130% of Budget on Feeding Self Dinner
“We really deserve this. We work hard. Only $160,000 mysteriously vanished from our budget last year. That’s a new record low!”
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Megan Thee Stallion Donates 45.4 Million Dollars for Hot Girl Stomach Issues Institute at UCMC
This issue has become endemic in the United States due to Congress's firm stance that women do not poop, leaving around 1 in 3 American women to experience hot girl shit in their…
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Six Scrumptious Ways to Make Your HUM Crush Fall in Love with You
Joule, a computer science major, suggests: “Trauma dump during discussion.”
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Dean Boyer Unpeels Like Banana to Reveal Younger, Cooler Dean Boyer
"In my tenure as my own replacement, I will prioritize making the students of the University of Chicago cooler than ever-before-seen in our illustrious history."
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UChicago Dining Releases Book of 300 “Adequate” Chicken Recipes
Head of UChicago Dining, Christopher Toote, lauds the recipes as “technically edible.”
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New Shuttle Route Takes You to a Date with Pete Davidson
The destination is a mystery, but the promise of Pete Davidson should assuage any worry.
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US Government Releases Saved Daylight
This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people).
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Frat Party Crème Brulée Surprisingly Good
“The party was kind of disappointing,” said first-year Shel Terdkid, “but the smoky notes in the caramelized sugar will stick with me forever. ”
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Senator Asks TikTok CEO How to Do Renegade Dance
“How should I move my elbows? Like this?” inquired Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas).
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Harry Styles Showcases New Gender-Defying Steelhead Trout Dress
Another said “I think it was supposed to be an environmental statement or something, but I think he just wanted an excuse to wear fish guts."
