UChicago student Brad Henderson declared his candidacy for this June’s NBA Draft Wednesday. Henderson, a third-year major in Business Economics, cited monetary considerations as the primary factor in his decision. “Most players in the NBA Draft make upwards of $1 million a year. At that salary, it would be a horrible idea not to declare for the draft, because of, uhh, opportunity cost, and uhh, what’s it called, uhhhhhh, the Laffer curve.”
Henderson’s economics professor, Milton Krugman, weighed in on his decision. “That’s dumb Wait, who is this guy? Ohhhhh, Brad. He’s the worst student in my class, by far. He once wrote a paper consisting only of the word, “Stonks,” and after I gave him an F, he tried to bribe me with $20.”
Alice Brecht, a classmate of Henderson’s, agreed with Krugman’s assessment. “Brad thought that the best solution to poverty was to print more money. I asked him what he thought about Bretton Woods, and he said, ‘Who? The golfer?’”
The scouting report on Henderson is quite poor, calling him “the worst draft prospect in the past 50 years. He combines Shaquille O’Neal’s three-point shooting, Wilt Chamberlain’s free throw percentage, and the defensive prowess of the Maginot Line. No NBA team is dumb enough to even entertain the idea of drafting him. Well, maybe the Hornets.”
Henderson has attended a few pre-draft workouts with teams, and has demonstrated a miraculous affinity for getting the basketball stuck in the backboard somehow. When asked by teams of his alternative plans, if “by some miracle he is not selected by any team,” Henderson replied, “I dunno, I’ll probably just work at my dad’s hedge fund or something.”
Sportsbooks are already taking bets on Henderson’s chances. At 5’6’’, 150 lbs, and a 1.98 GPA, he is given 70,000:1 odds of making the NBA and 45:1 odds of graduating college within four years.