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2016 Elections 2.0: This Time It’s Personal
“The people of America will determine once and for all whether I pleased Bubba the most,” Donald Trump said. “I talked to my good friend Putin and he told me, Donald, you give…
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Top 5 Discoveries I Made When My Lyft Took Me to My Date an Hour Late
So, I went on a date the other day with this guy I met on Hinge. I had everything arranged—we would meet at 3pm at Millennium Park, walk by the lake, maybe grab…
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In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
According to recent reports, the letter will contain sharp criticisms of Donald Trump’s domestic and international policy. More specifically, excerpts have been leaked and include sentences such as “Kidnapping people is wrong,” “Kidnapping…
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Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports
According to White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt, the intention is to make sure this program will only generate “M” or “F” markers. However, Leavitt added, “our programmers are not going to implement…
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Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
“I had to go from the Robinstein library to Batchinson Commons. I ordered a Via and it took 20 MINUTES to arrive! UNACCEPTABLE! Illegal immigrants are destroying our own American drivers. Under my…
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I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
Like, are we sure he is going to testify in front of the court? He may not even be real! Lowkey, I was thinking this could be a movie. “Epstein 2: Mark Strikes…
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Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
In what appears to be a logistical error, President Trump sent several bulldozers to the East Wing of Woodlawn instead of the East Wing of the White House owing to confusion over Google…
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Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
Leavitt debuted the strategy in her response to a HuffPost reporter’s question about a proposed summit between President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, but further instances have already appeared. Asked by the…
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Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains
I found out that my mom took one Tylenol when she was pregnant with me. This raised concerns, given that the Department of Health and Human Services has linked Tylenol during pregnancy to…
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Some Motherfucker Broke the Woodlawn Study Room Window over the Summer, Haha!
Like, seriously, how do you break that window? It’s huge, and difficult to even crack. And someone broke it entirely! Did they, like, throw a table at it or something? At least it…
