Radium Punch at Glow Party Causes Controversy
HENRY CROWN FIELD HOUSE – Chaos ensued at the O-Week “Glow Party” last Friday after the glow-in-the-dark punch was found by UCPD to contain traces of radium. The historic UChicago Glow Party, known for its Sodom and Gomorrah-like lawlessness, sin, and balloon animals galore, was taking place as usual at the end of a long and tiring O-Week, when radium was discovered in the punch. “I came to the Glow Party to get real f’d up, you know? I even pregamed it with my first White Claw. But I didn’t want to get f’d up like this,” says first-year Freddy Whiz. “Now I gotta worry about growing an extra arm or something like Marie-friggin-Curie.”
Students seemed to be despondent, but no one more than transfer student Peter Parker, says his roommate. “This dude has just been in bed sleeping since the party. He also looks like he’s been working out, I guess when I’m out of the room. But we all know that means he’s not going to make it.”
UChicago administration is currently investigating the case, but is finding few leads. “I knew that one of the dorks at this school would go all mad-scientist on us, eventually. It could be any one of ‘em,” stated UChicago Glow Party Safety Representative Herman Vanderbill. “I gotta say though:” he added, “isn’t it a little cool that the punch at the Glow Party actually glowed? I bet Sig Chi didn’t have that!”
Maisie. Maisie is a copy editor and a staff writer. Like a well-maintained orchid, Maisie will live indefinitely. "Reach for the stars, kid." -Maisie Thompson
