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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
  • Arts & Culture

    Oh Boys! Kevin Abstract Debuts Completely New Boy Band Also Called Brockhampton

    Raphael Ambrösius Cousteau / January 17, 2023

    “Brockhampton,” named after the Texas town where they met, features fellow youngsters Merlyn Wood, Joba, Bearface, and the cryogenically frozen head of John Lennon. 

    read more
  • Literary Happenings

    MLA Edition 10 – 2022 Update

    Andrea Zhou / January 10, 2023

    Stale prose, no more; now poetry, galore  And lines with double spaces we ignore

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Shut the Door on Your Ex” and Other Advice From Door Etiquette for Dummies

    Emily Lamppost / January 9, 2023

    The TA who gave you a bad grade last quarter: blockade the doorway and take a nap so they can’t get through.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    University Introduces Mandatory ‘Cool’ Nicknames for Places on Campus

    Michelle Rasmussen / January 6, 2023

    By our calculations, the average UChicago student wastes three hours every day speaking out the names of various campus buildings in monotonous compliance.

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Favorites

    Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

    Andre Dang and 1 more / January 5, 2023

    Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that he went to…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Top 5 Things That I Just Found in Your Backpack

    Maisie Thompson / January 4, 2023

    Ever since I “stole” your “backpack” from “Calc 152” it’s been alllllll you’ve been wanting to talk about.

    read more
  • Politics

    Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House

    Sophie Klopfenstein and 1 more / January 3, 2023

    According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.

    read more
  • Politics

    Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict

    Jeff Broust / December 9, 2022

    At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion

    Alasdair Greenland / December 9, 2022

    "In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve

    Hermosillo Sardinia / December 8, 2022

    Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.”

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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