Campus Life

Top 5 Things That I Just Found in Your Backpack

I know, I know. It’s the article you’ve been waiting for. Ever since I “stole” your “backpack” from “Calc 152” it’s been alllllll you’ve been wanting to talk about. Well here it is, asshole. Here’s the best things I found in your silly little Jansport. Happy?

1- Homework 

Oh, is this your p-set? The one you claimed wasn’t finished after I asked for your answers last night? Now if I recall correctly, I had really just wanted us to work on it together, but you just had to say no because I “never help” and “blast Cocomelon while you do the work.” Wow, man. Some friend you are. 

2- A notebook 

What are you, 75? Are you literally my grandfather? Did you fight in WWI? Get an iPad like everyone else. 

3- A photo of your childhood pet 

You carry around a photo of your dog in your backpack? Dude, that’s so lame. Didn’t Buddy die like three years ago? Uh, move on already! Geez! 

4- A reusable water bottle 

I know you’re all about the environment, or, whatever. But c’mon, dude! Plastic water bottles are so much more fun than that brutalist hunk of metal you call a Hydroflask. Plus, you can’t pelt geese on the Midway with Hydroflasks.

5- A crisp $20 

Yeah, you’re not getting this back.

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Maisie. Maisie is a copy editor and a staff writer. Like a well-maintained orchid, Maisie will live indefinitely. "Reach for the stars, kid." -Maisie Thompson