I know, I know. It’s the article you’ve been waiting for. Ever since I “stole” your “backpack” from “Calc 152” it’s been alllllll you’ve been wanting to talk about. Well here it is, asshole. Here’s the best things I found in your silly little Jansport. Happy?
Oh, is this your p-set? The one you claimed wasn’t finished after I asked for your answers last night? Now if I recall correctly, I had really just wanted us to work on it together, but you just had to say no because I “never help” and “blast Cocomelon while you do the work.” Wow, man. Some friend you are.
2- A notebook
What are you, 75? Are you literally my grandfather? Did you fight in WWI? Get an iPad like everyone else.
3- A photo of your childhood pet
You carry around a photo of your dog in your backpack? Dude, that’s so lame. Didn’t Buddy die like three years ago? Uh, move on already! Geez!
4- A reusable water bottle
I know you’re all about the environment, or, whatever. But c’mon, dude! Plastic water bottles are so much more fun than that brutalist hunk of metal you call a Hydroflask. Plus, you can’t pelt geese on the Midway with Hydroflasks.
5- A crisp $20
Yeah, you’re not getting this back.