Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House

WASHINGTON — GOP leadership is scrambling to find a “more appealing replacement” after Speaker of the House hopeful Kevin McCarthy repeatedly failed his Speakership bid, Washington insiders report. Alternative speakers proposed include Dr. Oz (again), Barry Goldwater (posthumously), and a scrapped Sesame Street muppet known as “Traditional Values Tim”.

According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers. However, the Freedom Caucus still seems hesitant to put McCarthy over the top. “The last time we had a McCarthy in office, the whole country went Communist,” said a very confused Marjorie Taylor Greene. “We can’t have that.”

Conservative commentators Linda Chavez and Ivanka Trump remarked upon the difficulty of McCarthy’s bid, saying that “we already gave it three tries,” and calling the election “harder than converting to Judaism — even the harshest rabbis would have relented by now. Maybe fourth time’s the charm?”

A three-part Lin-Manuel Miranda rap musical about McCarthy’s bid is reportedly in the works, to star Lin-Manuel Miranda.

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