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Self-Proclaimed World’s Tallest Man Just Matched with You on Tinder
Disappointed friends reported Monday that you’ve probably hit the high point of your Tinder career and it’s all downhill from here.
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Reg to Introduce Death Penalty for Overdue Books
Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a “state of the art automated weaponry system” installed at the building’s front…
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Area Parents Contemplating Eighth Divorce
The pending divorce proceedings are reportedly being handled by Looke, Hughes, Bach, and Egen, a Chicago-based law firm specializing in ‘high-numbered’ divorces.
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Nuclear Reactor Found in Rafters of Harper Memorial Library
Students studying for their midterms did not look up when warned “there’s a nuclear reactor,” only speaking up to respond that Harper Memorial Library is a no-talking zone, and would you please kindly…
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UChicago Startup Awarded Polsky Prize for ‘Best Middle-East Weapons Deal’
“They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”
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UChicago Researchers Invent Quantum Blockchain NFT A.I. Natural Language Processing
Dealer reporters found the project leads furiously consulting a thesaurus for more words to describe their ‘indescribably advanced’ breakthrough. At press time, the researchers had added “machine learning”, “crypto”, and “gigahertz” to their…
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Grammy Award Given to My Beautiful Grandma
“I thought they gave these awards to musicians or Presidents that record audiobooks,” said my clearly stunned grandmommy.
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Mayoral Candidates Spend $4 Million on Crucial Max P Ad Blitz
Max Palevsky residents reportedly have not noticed the garish and colorful portraits which, according to one Graham House resident, “actually blend in really well with our haunted circus color scheme.”
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UChicago Introduces 4:30 AM Final Exams, Citing Cost-Saving
A follow-up announcement clarified that students would be expected to move out within one hour of their last final to avoid a $5000 fine and a one-point deduction to their GPA.
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Heroic Woodlawn Arsonist Blows Up Debt Ceiling
The debt ceiling, recently breached by the US national debt, was finally brought down by an explosion which the Pentagon believes to be a deliberate attack.
