Campus Life

Admissions Announces Class of ’28 Will Be 10 Guys Who Do Quizbowl

UChicago Admissions has made an exciting announcement: next year’s class of 2028 will be composed of exactly ten men who participate in the competitive trivia game known as Quizbowl.

Along with shrinking the class size to ten and only admitting Quizbowlers, UChicago will revamp the Uncommon Essay – long a staple of the UChicago admissions process. Rather than featuring quirky prompts drawn from puns or word games, the new UChicago essay will include prompts like: Describe a time when you had to answer a question about William Faulkner in only a few seconds. 

Dean of Enrollment Jim Nondorf sat for an exclusive interview with The Dealer to explain this radical change in admissions policy. Nondorf explained that UChicago will begin searching far and wide to develop a tight group of ten Quizbowlers, recruiting men from across Stuyvesant High School: “By this time next year, we want to have a class made up entirely of guys who can name every US vice president but not a single female singer.”

While in the past UChicago has tried to build a well-rounded class of about 1700 students, Nondorf stated that the administration now wishes to create a close-knit group of “dudes who know a lot about catapults and stuff.” Mr. Nondorf took a  College  application out of his briefcase and slammed it on the table. “Look at this absolute stud,” Nondorf said, displaying a picture of a white male with brown hair. “He’s won multiple High School Quizbowl titles and he eats lunch by himself everyday. He’s perfect!”

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Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal

[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]