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Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?
You miscreants, you fucking econ majors -- you haven’t fucking voted yet have you. I bet you dick breathed, ass brained nut-rags haven’t even looked up your polling places. You disgust me.
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CANDIDATE Wins Presidency
The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.
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I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt
It has often been said that this election will be the most consequential of our lifetimes, so it is of utmost importance that we motivate voters to stay engaged. After all, it is…
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Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65
With just a few days left before election day, the presidential race has entered its final hours. And facing a steep deficit in many national and key state polls, the Trump campaign has…
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6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important
If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a human, cursed with the ability to comprehend phrases like “electoral college” or “voter suppression.” Here are six cute dogs who, unlike you, don’t have to…
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Letter: There’s Always Spring Quarter
We know that two quarters in a row of distance learning isn't how you planned to start your time in college. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest…
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Mitch McConnell rages at Hype House, looks to contract COVID-19
As COVID-19 rages across the nation, many Americans worry for their own health and the health of loved ones. With the recent breakout of more than two dozen cases among members of the…
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Zoom Host Drunk with Power
In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power.
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I Broke My Pencil and Now I’m Sad I Can’t Fix It.
That’s the title I am ashamed to declare I broke my pencil
