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Thanksgiving Explained by an International Student
So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And…
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A Vague Sense of Dread Based on Your Horoscope
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Consider that due to that projection of planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually…
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UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report
The University of Chicago’s wireless internet services have dropped to No. 333,333,333 in U.S. News & World Report’s 2020 ranking of university wireless internet services (colloquially called “WiFi”). The U.S. News rankings take into account connection…
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How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few sleepless nights in this bad boy. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably gotten your dick stuck in the revolving door more…
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Dean Boyer Just Kinda Hanging Out at FIJI Pledge Event
Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the…
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Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year
“Can I help you with something?” asks a concerned staff member as someone resembling a small but well-dressed first year opens the doors to the IOP. “Actually,” the mysterious person replies, “You can.…
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UCPD Saves Day, Drives around Block
UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements. One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I…
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Letter from the Editors
To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter…
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A Look at the Class of 2023
First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been.…
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UChicago’s Quest for The Perfect Ranking
It’s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pokémon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities.…
