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Yay for the Youth! CDC Finds New COVID Vaccine Side Effect To Be “Just Like Getting High on LSD”
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a statement last night stating that in addition to the flu-like symptoms, COVID vaccines can also lead to feelings of complete ecstasy and otherworldliness.
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5 Cats Who Definitely Voted for Donald Trump
Snuffles has been a part of the Young Republicans ever since she could drink milk out of a dish. She thinks that the free cat movement by those liberal snowflakes is an abomination…
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I Broke My Pencil and Now I’m Sad I Can’t Fix It.
That’s the title I am ashamed to declare I broke my pencil
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In 2020, Which Issues are UChicago Students Most Concerned About?
We decided that it was time to leave the dark cramped maintenance closet of our headquarters and hit the streets and see what the people had to say about the key issues this…
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NEW! Duck Dynasty Inspired Line of Canada Goose Winter Parkas!
Are you a person from the “square states” who wants to show off your newfound wealth without “losing touch with your roots”? Did you just win the lottery or inherit money from your…
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Phil (the Phoenix) Starts Fire
Another $300 million down the drain, and the big question that remains is this: whose idea it was to care for a dying phoenix in a bustling hospital? (It’s almost as if nobody…
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Point/Counterpoint: 11 Things UChicago Students Think They’re Doing Right Now versus 11 Things UChicago Students Are Actually Doing Right Now
Point: Solving the mystery of what happened to the missing sock in the laundry Counterpoint: Watching Sherlock for the 4thtime Point: Supporting local businesses and restaurants Counterpoint: Being too lazy to cook…
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Area Man Sings Aria
Another announcement from across the midway: an assembly of people near the area have reported the appearance of an anomalous activity. Although not acclaimed for his singing ability, our Area Man assumed that…
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Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year
“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!” That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch,…
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Trump Signs Executive Order Making “Gangnam Style” the Official National Anthem
Get ready to gallop into the New Year because President Trump has found a way to make all sports games from now until forever a lot more exciting and culturally relevant. Say goodbye…
