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To Prevent Theft of Silverware, Dining Halls Implement Body Cavity Search
President Alivisatos announced at a press conference, ''We implemented this policy to protect our utensils. As a side benefit, we’re saving so much money on replacing lost silverware. Now, my giant mound of…
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Op-Ed: Sharknado Was the Last Great Literary Achievement
This may sound like a baseless claim, but the numbers back it up. Literally everybody we surveyed (which was a lot of people, by the way) said they’d rather watch all of the…
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Rockefeller Chapel Bells Now Exclusively Play for When BeReal Notification Is Sent
In a recent statement, Dean of Students Michelle Rassmussen wrote, “I’m sick and tired of students posting their BeReals hours after when the notification was sent out. Students are disobeying the purpose of…
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Mansueto Finally Hatches
Already, some students are petitioning for “Babysueto” (as they’re calling it) to become the school’s new mascot. Administrators argue that Babysueto’s limbs are too complicated to fit on the academic crest, but this…
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In Desperate Bid to Save Healthy Students, UChicago to Isolate the COVID Negative
Once the walls of Woodlawn have been breached, UChicago Campus Housing will lead the remaining healthy students to the roof, where they will be airlifted to Stony Island. When asked about potential capacity…
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Trader Joe’s Introduces New Pumpkin-Spiced Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Customer response has already been overwhelmingly positive. “I always try to get into the mood of the season,” said one customer sporting a plaid shirt, a corduroy jacket, another corduroy jacket, rain boots,…
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How to Hold Your 58th Birthday in a Frat House Without Making It Sound Bad
It is fine if Barbra doesn’t get it. She never gets anything. The only thing she’s done recently is your neighbor George. She got a divorce lawyer, but she doesn’t get your yearning…
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Boyer Insists Bite Mark is “Nothing to Worry About,” Proposes Brains in Dining Hall
“I’ve gotten much worse infections at Snitchcock in the past,” Boyer stated calmly. “This injury is nothing to worry about.”
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Meet the One Student Who Actually Got Suspended by UChicago
"Yeah, I guess I'm lucky I’m not being executed," he conceded.
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Dealer Investigates: How Many 4pm Cigarettes Outside the Reg Does It Take to Write The Great American Novel?
He’s agreed to put a brief pause in his literary machinations to speak to the Dealer, since, in his words, “this interview will be important in five years. I’ll be published then.”
