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University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
“This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”
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Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.
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Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
The study also identified your stupid ass as the cause of mass sea turtle death, every single wildfire in California, and the 2008 Recession.
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Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
Obama’s appearance has him join a long and distinguished list of UChicago Chemisty Professors who just don’t give a fuck.
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Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
"Of all the no-fly lists I could get into, this was my top choice."
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Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
Reports have also shown her soliciting 6’8” tall men for “uppies.”
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UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
Boyer cited the hundreds of dollars worth of chemicals and the impetus for the university’s decision to finally axe the sequence.
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“How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
“We were already going to cause awful lunch backups with the Bartlett closure. How much worse could it get?”
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Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad
Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.
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“Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve
When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”
