World Affairs

Report: Jesus to Take It Easy This Easter

NEWARK, HEAVEN – Jesus Christ has revealed that He plans to “take it easy” this Easter and avoid getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big Easter guy, but these last few years it’s kind of felt like I’m just going through the motions, you know?” the Son of the Most High said in a statement. “I’ve decided to prioritize my mental health this time around and just enjoy a nice spring day with my Dad, three or four of the likable Apostles, and a DVD copy of It’s the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown.” Jesus also confirmed that He would not be attending any “frankly upsetting” passion plays.

“I don’t want to get to a point where I feel like I have an obligation to go to big get-togethers and put up all kinds of crazy decorations and whatnot,” He said. The Prince of Peace was quick to reject rumors that His laid back attitude toward the holiday had anything to do with His reportedly tense relationship with the Holy Spirit in recent months. “Certain members of the media will try and spin this to fit their completely speculative narratives about the work culture within the Holy Trinity, but I want to be clear that I’m doing this for myself.”

It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday. A spokesman for the Vatican told the Dealer, “We’ve reached out to the Son of the Living God asking if He’s up for transubstantiation this Easter and letting Him know we completely understand if He’s not feeling it this year. If He says no, we’ll see if we can get someone else to sub in for Him. St. Peter has already volunteered as a backup and we’ve conducted some preliminary taste-tests. “Whatever ends up happening, we’re going to be upfront with our parishioners about the situation, because the most important thing to the  Catholic Church is honesty and transparency.”

At press time, the Alpha and the Omega said He had not yet decided on whether He would be taking part in the Feast of the Ascension this year, telling the Dealer that He might, “have a smaller, more intimate thing with the Easter Bunny”