Arts & Culture

Ron Desantis Slams “Gay Ass” Rainbow Fish Book

TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis slammed popular children’s book The Rainbow Fish in a press conference on Thursday, decrying the “gay ass” protagonist as a bad role model for Florida kindergarteners.

“I think it’s disgusting that our kids are reading about a limp-wristed fish on the taxpayer’s dime,” DeSantis stated. “I recently came across this book at a local library, and folks, I nearly lost my lunch. This guy is one of the most brazen degenerates I’ve ever come across in a work of fiction. Never in my most feverish nightmares could I have imagined they’d make a fish who looked so much like a drag queen. He’s covered in sequins, he’s catty as hell, and you can tell just by reading that he has ‘the voice.’”

“We need books that teach Florida boys to be men. They should be growing up to be welders, to be lumberjacks, to be dogfighters.” DeSantis praised the protagonist of the No, David! children’s series as a character who would instill traditional Christian values of masculinity in young boys.

The Republican, who is expected to launch a presidential bid in the coming months, called on school boards to purge the book from libraries. “And while you’re at it, it’s time to toss out this neo-Marxist Lorax shit.”

In the same press conference, DeSantis praised Trump’s indictment as a “masterful display of true American culture” and “the antithesis to all that fruity bullshit they put in kids’ books these days.” At the end of the press conference, DeSantis vowed to continue hunting for instances of “woke propaganda” in children’s books, saying he had recently started The Hungry Caterpillar and hoped to complete his review by the end of May.