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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Lifestyle

    Top Six Ways to Totally Own Your Stupid Idiot Grandma This Thanksgiving

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 24, 2022

    Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin “part of the GLBT community,” which was obviously a hate crime.

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  • Politics

    Point: Joe Biden Is Ruining America/Counterpoint: Grandpa, Can We Please Just Have a Normal Thanksgiving Dinner for Once?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 23, 2022

    This is why we never come here for the holidays. You thought it would be such a great idea for the kids to watch Fox News instead of Dora the Explorer because it…

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  • Politics

    Turkey Pardon Gone Wrong: Armenian Genocide Perpetrators Acquitted of War Crimes

    Mike Pence / November 21, 2022

    According to sources, the White House is considering apologizing to the Armenian-American community by promising an open dialogue that will happen sometime in the near, yet far future.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    How to Find True Love by Mansplaining Pool in Hallowed Grounds

    Kim Impossible / November 17, 2022

    Casually slip in the fact that you’re in Physics 12100 and begin to explain (in your sultriest voice possible) all about “ball collision theory,” “the sweet spot,” and “relative slipping analysis.” So sexy.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Ethics Professor Requires Own Textbook for His Class

    Justin B / November 16, 2022

    Professor Hartwell went on to specifically stress that no one should engage in unethical acts online, especially the piracy of copyrighted textbooks.

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  • Campus Life

    Attention Professors: Best Gen Z Words to Add to Your Lectures

    Pascal Knowles / November 15, 2022

    Your least favorite student just got something wrong on a problem set? Guess they just got “ratioed.”

    read more
  • Internships & Jobs & The Hard Reality of Modern Capitalism

    RSOs Announce New Early Decision Plans

    Niko Natheos / November 14, 2022

    "Early applications are one way to show commitment to an RSO, most likely mine, and boost applicants' chances–presuming you had a chance anyway.”

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  • Campus Life

    Uh Oh! Frat Guy You Just Met Knows a Little Too Much About Title IX

    Anonymous / November 11, 2022

    “William is a pretty quiet guy, except when our Self class starts talking about gender inequality. He sure has a lot of thoughts about gender inequality.” When pressed for details, second-year classmate Elizabeth…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Review: UChicago Student Bookstore’s New Chastity Belt

    Drew Peacock / November 10, 2022

    Consumers should be aware that they are not suitable for those with plastic allergies, leaving rashes in awkward areas.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    To Prevent Theft of Silverware, Dining Halls Implement Body Cavity Search

    Aidan Cessor / November 9, 2022

    President Alivisatos announced at a press conference, ''We implemented this policy to protect our utensils. As a side benefit, we’re saving so much money on replacing lost silverware. Now, my giant mound of…

    read more
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Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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