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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
  • Campus Life

    Provost Argues against Atoms Unionizing to Form Bonds

    Justin Ben-Zene / January 30, 2023

    The credibility of the statement was called into question by representatives from the NLrB (the Nitrogen-Lawrencium-Boron Union), as the University is known to benefit from ions and other dissociated species.

    read more
  • World Affairs

    North Korea Wins Unprecedented 18th World Cup

    William Foster / January 27, 2023

    Dear Leader Kim and Goalie-in-Chief Jong-Un scored the go-ahead goal, along with North Korea’s second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth goals.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Struggling in a Toxic Relationship? Try Being More Toxic

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 26, 2023

    We interviewed one of the RSO’s most active members, Jake Neebus, and asked him why he joined. “I like making my girlfriend cry,” said Neebus. “I like it a lot.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: I Wanna Step on the Reynolds Club Seal/ Counterpoint: I Want the Reynolds Club Seal to Step on Me

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 25, 2023

    It’s not like I haven’t tried to make it happen, either. I’ve dropped subtle hints — every time I walk through Reynolds, I make sure I’m looking my best.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow

    Andre Dang and 1 more / January 24, 2023

    I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks. 

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Point: I Can Fix Him/ Counterpoint: I Can Make Him Worse

    Pascal Knowles and 1 more / January 23, 2023

    Beneath his hard exterior and the many demeaning comments he makes about all my female friends, I can see a sensitive man who only occasionally tells me I’m worthless.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    BTS Members Disband for Good After Finding Their True Passion in the Military

    Aidan Jones / January 19, 2023

    “It will allow me to travel the world and see my fans!”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: Hey Guys! Watch Me Do an Ollie on My Skateboard!/ Counterpoint: Uh Oh!

    Tyler McFlash / January 18, 2023

    Josh, grab my phone and text that girl I’ve been talking to. Yeah, Ashley. Tell her to get over here. Tell her it’s the hill by Alex’s house.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Oh Boys! Kevin Abstract Debuts Completely New Boy Band Also Called Brockhampton

    Raphael Ambrösius Cousteau / January 17, 2023

    “Brockhampton,” named after the Texas town where they met, features fellow youngsters Merlyn Wood, Joba, Bearface, and the cryogenically frozen head of John Lennon. 

    read more
  • Literary Happenings

    MLA Edition 10 – 2022 Update

    Andrea Zhou / January 10, 2023

    Stale prose, no more; now poetry, galore  And lines with double spaces we ignore

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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