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Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”
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Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus
Fourth-years bear higher risk of senioritis than others, though it is not uncommon to see second- and third-years experiencing similar symptoms. First-years are the least susceptible, but even they can be infected, especially…
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Divinity School Discovers New, ‘12% Holier’ God
Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness.
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Local Dog Arrested for Practicing as Therapy Dog without License
“Any therapeutic benefits derived from scratching his fluffy ears, rubbing his adorable tummy, or kissing his little brown nose are wholly and entirely coincidental.”
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Missing: Half an Assistant
Last seen being sawed in half by one Harry Houdini, before announcing he would “make it disappear” to an enthralled audience.
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Op-Ed: What if We Hide in the Trees Instead of Marching in a Huge Formation?
We’re the ones defending our territory, so we know the place and everything. What if we hid everywhere and waited for them to come to us?
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Grunk Invent Weapon, Nation Frighten
“I important think to enforce natural monopoly.” Grunk threaten reporter. “Give berries or Grunk hit weapon.”
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Romanian Government Ranks Safest Campus Bathrooms
Normally known for announcing the official news of their country, this surprise list has been widely distributed throughout Hyde Park.
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Man Founds City of Pompeii in Scenic Location
“We pray that Vulcan will nourish our crops with the ash and keep us safe from any pumice-related troubles.”
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Op-Ed: This New Duke Will Fix Everything
Do you just refuse to believe that Duke Ernest August I, who interviewed and selected Duke Ernest August II, would choose someone who wanted to fix the underlying issues they’ve overlooked (and caused) for…
