Ahmenhatek VIII, a diviner and analyst from north of Memphis, is renowned across the kingdom for accurately predicting eight of the last ten plagues. His 2500 B.C. papyrus entitled “Buy Gold Before the Plagues Wreck Your Portfolio” is widely credited with accurately predicting the plagues of darkness, blood, locusts, and five others. However, even he admits that he totally didn’t see the frogs coming. In our interview, he said, “Even though indicators were bad, and we were far along in the plague cycle, the frogs were totally out of left field. I had to totally rethink my models.” It has been three years since the last plague and fears of…

Gottfried Leibniz Did Not Read Doing Honest Work in College By Isaac Newton Gottfried Leibniz is a lying plagiarist. I spent twenty freaking years toiling over my books and deriving mathematical equations, and this is how I get rewarded? I suffered so much, disemboweling counterfeiters for the Royal Mint and lying in bed in the hospital after having all the apples in an apple tree fall on my head one day, and then I wake up to this news. Seriously, a pious god-fearing mathematician like me shouldn’t have to wake up to this. I’m not asking for much. All I’m asking is that everyone recognize me as the progenitor of…

MILAN, ITALY – Fuck you, Niccolo Alfonso. You came walking down the streets of Milan just a few years ago flexing your new invention. “Look, you all can finally see clearly, even far away. It’ll be great,” you said. “It’ll make everyone’s life better,” you said. Well, the fact that I’ve been dryer than a Turkish nunnery since then hasn’t made my life better. Before you came along, I was pulling French girls every week. Now, the crooked-nose Austrians won’t even look at me twice. I walk into the bar and try to approach them, but like the goddamn fates they share the eye-glasses and see right through my game.…

PROTEROZOIC ERA – Grumbling that he’s never getting any action, a local single-cell microorganism amoeba was feeling threatened by the floating nearby larger, more handsome “Chad” amoeba. “What’s a guy gotta do to reproduce around here?” said the visibly irate amoeba. “This asshole has undergone mitosis countless times while I’ve never even made it to first phase before.” He noted that the one time he thought he was about to begin a lineage that would forever shape evolution on earth and get him mad street cred, turned out just to be a nubile volcanic air bubble. “To make matters even worse, anytime this guy gets any action, he creates an identical copy…

We live in turbulent times. Monarchies fall, colonies talk of rebelling, and friends get transported to Australia for jaywalking. In these troubling days, couldn’t we all use a relationship we know we can depend on? Maybe the eternal threat of a Cossack horde descending on your minor Polish village wouldn’t be so worrying if you had a warm, dependable body to be thrown in the pits with. It’s just too bad that it’s impossible to truly know how much someone loves you until you’ve been through a horrifying tribulation together. Enter mutilating diseases. In what some are calling “the defining cultural event of Generation A,” a growing number of young…

Following one of the most dominant seasons in history, in which our Maroons went undefeated and claimed the National Championship, the campus community has asserted in one voice that UChicago will forever reign as the football powerhouse of the Midwest. Led by Head Coach Amos Alonzo Stagg and Quarterback Ethan Connor Brosius (commonly known as E-Con Bro), the 1913 team went undefeated in the Big Ten, decisively defeating cross-town rival Northwestern (cross-town that is, if you have a degree in Geography from Northwestern and somehow think Evanston is in Chicago). On the other side of the ball, the team was led by the “Monsters of the Midway”, which apparently does not…

CARTHAGE, CARTHAGINIAN EMPIRE, 146 BC – Romans have finally conquered the city of Carthage in North Africa following a siege lasting over two years. Although a peace treaty was signed between the two Mediterranean powers, Carthage declared war on Rome in what has been described as “stupid” by many citizens of Carthage. “You don’t declare war on the Romans, they’re the Romans,” claimed one man at the time, who chose to remain anonymous. “We marched 30 war elephants over the Alps last time and still lost to them. How many elephants do we have this time? None.” Two years later, and the war has finally ended, with the spoils going…